Slave To The Grind

I’ve been awake ninety minutes and already my gums hurt. This unconscious jaw and teeth grinding is a bucket of suck.  My gums are killing me, it’s amazing they aren’t gushing blood. I fear I may break my own jaw, I’m grinding so hard. And it’s not conscious, and I wasn’t doing it two months ago. The shrink says it’s not medication related but I’m not buying it. I remember when Sass was on the Latard and talking about the jaw clenching and my primary thought was, “Wow, the ONE side effect I DIDN’T get.” Even going off, it was never a problem. Enter Trileptal and suddenly, it’s this major issue. It blows goats to be in a place where you question your own sanity, and your doctor-the one who’s supposed to help you- tells you all your side effects are imaginary even when the stupid pharma companies admit it’s been reported.

I’m starting to wonder if the numbness is the Trileptal, too. Or maybe that one mixed with the Lamictal. I dunno. I’m just in this sucky place and I might as well be talking about the weather for all the affect my doctor shows.  Suckier is when the doctor is a nice pleasant person, cooperative, open to your input..And yet still so dismissive. I feel like the bad guy and yet…This is my life, this is what I live with daily.

The weirdo dreams continue. The other night it was a return to my teenage years and a shopping trip with my mother. Talk about trauma. I had dreams about being in sitcoms last night. Okay, maybe not terrifying, but definitely bizarre. Oh, and food, I’ve been dreaming about food. Then there was one where I was standing at the counter somewhere and this girl came in and she was wearing this black cobweb and fishnet tights and all I could think was, wow, those are awesome. Just..wtf.

Yesterday was…not so awful, if Novacaine brain is your thing. Of course, I could feel the anxiety to the bone marrow, set off by every tiny thing. Someone down the street playing music yet all I hear is THUD THUD THUD bass. Hell, I made a whole ranting list yesterday of observations of things setting off my anxiety. Should I post it? Hmmm… I got nothing else. Except the observation that once I pried myself out of bed this morning (taking the Xanax too late really makes waking up hard) I went outside to feed the stray cats and put out trash…And it’s sunny and warm and I said, “Good morning, kitties.” For one brief moment, I thought, hey maybe today won’t suck from the mental state. Nah. Just fleeting moments.

Okay…At the risk of some redundancy…yesterday’s countdown list of things that made my anxiety worse.

1.) Someone down the street is playing a stereo. Can’t hear music, just thud thud thud wall rattling bass. It makes me a nervous wreck, like hand wringing pulling out clumps of hair nervous.
2.) Squealing kids. Ugh, lock them back up, pleeease.
3.) My kid asking for a snack ten seconds after I just gave her one and admitting, “I had to give them to (j) so she’d be my friend.” Evil little monsters.
4.) The notion that by telling the truth in a blog about medications and side effects somehow influences people to go off their meds. I read on the internet snorting sea monkeys makes you high. I’m smart enough to not even wanna go there. Stupid is not my fault.
5.) That my anxiety is so high without a trigger, and it’s resulting in hives and itchiness.
6.) When a pill sticks to my tongue and starts to dissolve. EWWWWWWWWW. Takes forever to get that bitter taste to go away.
7.) Not being able to move an inch without a kitten hanging from me. It was sweet to wake up to a bed full of cats snuggling me. But I am so anxious and squirmy, I feel bad having to disturb them every time I move. You’d think they’d catch on that I might not be the comfiest place to rest but nope. They either adore me that much or my chair is that comfy.
8.) My kid yelling at me one minute, declaring I HAVE A BAD MOTHER. Then the next saying I am the best mom ever. Is that how I confuse people? Except I have no intent and am not throwing tantrums. My head hurts.
9.) The fact I can’t even listen to music without it making me feel like my skin is crawling off my bones. Not even Xanax makes the noise bearable. I don’t even know what the fuck that is. This goes beyond my fear of tainting music with my bad mental state. It absolutely sucks.
10.) The teeth gnashing. My gums are killing me, it’s amazing they aren’t gushing blood. I fear I may break my own jaw, I’m grinding so hard. And it’s not conscious, and I wasn’t doing it two months ago.
11.) My daughter’s fashion choices. She went with pink and gray striped shirt and black polka dotted pants. I figured what the hell since we’re going nowhere and I pick my battles. Could be I’m just too apathetic to care if she coordinates. She asked me to give her piggy braids and I did, but wow, they’re awful. I used to looove to do hair and was good at it. Now I am shit at everything.
12.) Incessant chatter. I’m not into utter silence but for some reason, certain things set me off. Thudding bass, high pitches, constant yapping. And it’s not like it puts me into a rage. If anything, it makes me feel nervous and a little scared. WTF.
13.) That the day seems interminable and it’s not even 2:30pm yet.
14.) It’s 6:42 pm and the day still seems like it will never end.
15.) I’m still anxious and irked even though I’ve not had to deal with the dish today and my kid has been busy playing outside, peacefully with friends, most of the day. I HATE feeling anxious with no trigger. The powers that be in mental healthcare seem to DEMAND a trigger to explain anxiety but with me…It’s wily nily even if it doesn’t fit into their neat little box.
16.) The fleeting feeling of little enjoyments. I made meatball subs for supper. They were very good and it made me feel good for the moment. Then…numb and dumb. Like, is it bedtime yet? But I can’t even enjoy sleep anymore because the bizarro dreams are fucking me up. Hell, last night I dreamt of being a teenager again and shopping with my mother. She was just as eevil then, it was just sporadic. Toxin spreading into my dreamscape is unacceptable. Nightmares as the default are not optimal.
17.) My Avon lady stopped by. And she’s got four kids, and the youngest is the Downe’s boy who’s been getting treated for the last six weeks for second degree burns, and he has to have appointments and treatments every day…And she’s still working, managing,and I am daring to complain??? That makes me feel shitty.
18.) It’s irking me how bad my body is aching today even though I’ve done nothing to warrant the ache and general bruised sensation in my skin and muscles. I’m just sore. I don’t know why, I don’t like it. And it’s not something that responds to Tylenol, it’s…Like every inch of me is bruised. No doubt it’s psychological. I’m sure even if I get a urinary tract infection, it’s because I willed it so with my anxiety. Everything is because of mental illness and neuroses.

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13 Responses to “Slave To The Grind”

  1. I really wouldn’t doubt it’s med related. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I don’t have that side effect, but ~ I have had really bad teeth grinding & clenching when I did ‘trips’ (LSD) in the past & read articles & spoke with people that that experience with ecstasy (& sometimes meth) not all side effects are known &/or reported,,,

  2. I’m completely novacained out. IDGAF at all…sad and scary that I know this, that I am in THAT place, and I’m scared to death that I know my danger zone and no professional seems to give two fucking shits. Numb, empty, void, going into black hole territory. Meh

    • I’m numbly feeling spork stabby and law suit-y toward my doctor simply because he’s so apathetic. This place sucks and I can’t even work up the appropriate fury. My god, I’ve been robbed of my anger, it was all I had as fuel. Stupid Latarda, stupid mental illness. Clown shoes.

      On Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 12:24 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • We are in the same clown shoes. Now, I’m ready to fall over the edge into recklessness. Because I seriously don’t give 2fucks anymore. Scary

      • Honestly, my only tether to earth is if I don’t cling with all my might, then I’d be considered unfit and get my kid taken away. I just run on auto pilot for her and the more she screams at me and tells me I a bad mother…I even wonder why I do that. Hopefully when I start the Cymbalta tomorrow it will start me on the right track, or at least a different one. Not sure it gets worse than this place, even in the black depressions. Least then I have enough emotion to cry. This nothingness is…UGH.

        On Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 12:33 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I know exactly what you mean all the way around…I’m in serious IDGAF land..fuckitall

  3. I feel for you all. I used to feel sorry for myself because I couldn’t take any medications, but right now I seem to have found a working cocktail and we aren’t messing with it unless there becomes a problem. I feel my drs and nurse actually listen to me and care.

    • I often wonder if my doctors seem so apathetic because every med has failed me, anti depressant wise. I suppose were I on the other side, I’d view it as unlikely. The fact the Xanax and Lamictal have worked and I haven’t wanted to change them should be indicative that I only protest if something doesn’t work. Oh, well, onto the next cocktail. Fingers crossed.

      On Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 1:07 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • I did have one psychiatrist tell me that she didn’t know what to do with me because I can’t take all the meds she prescribed. She only prescribed the new stuff. My current prescriber is a nurse and she isn’t afraid to step outside the box and try the older stuff. That is what is helping me now I think. The old fashioned mood stabilizer. Good luck.

  4. I grind my teeth sometimes. When I added Lexapro I noticed more headaches and jaw aches. Something funky is up.

    • What freaks me out the most is tracking all the side effects from each med, what happens when combined with the others, and the doctors say it’s not a side effect but the pharmacy says it is…I could be dying of something and I wouldn’t have a clue because I’ve come to accept so much of it as “side effects”. And sad part is, the only way to truly know if they are side effects or maybe you’ve developed bubonic plague thus explaining the jaw grinding…is to stop all meds. No win situation.

      On Tue, Jun 2, 2015 at 5:31 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  5. I remember grinding my teeth while on Lexapro and Seraquel. I actually bought a mouth guard at CVS to prevent the clenching and nashing. I would have headaches, neck and jaw pain as well. I do not have it on the Trileptal, but I did experience it at times on the Lamictal.

    ” When a pill sticks to my tongue and starts to dissolve. EWWWWWWWWW.” If you are taking Lamictal then I know what you mean. Any mg higher than 50 tastes like hell! I pray this all gets better for you.

    • My pharmacy keeps getting different manufacturers for Lamtrogine and I never know if I will be getting the dime size blue 200mg or if I will get the quarter size white ones. Ick ick ick when those start dissolving.

      On Thu, Jun 4, 2015 at 12:54 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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