Socially Disordered

My “give a damn” quit around 2 p.m. I was overwhelmed with this cloud of anxiety and apathy. Seems like an oxymoron, to be anxious and apathetic simultaneously. Welcome to my post Latuda days. I suppose apathy is a selective state (not consciously, because not even being able to enjoy music really FUCKING SUCKS.) Mostly I am loathe to associate with people beyond a quick shallow exchange of civility. Just apathetic to the idea of socializing.

I made the mistake of sending R a text asking if he could get my meds for me in exchange for me helping at the shop yesterday. Instead of running that quick errand, he and his wife appeared at my door and hung out for an hour. No biggie, right? WRONG. To his credit, he did text to warn me they were going to stop by. In fairness, I sent back, place is hazmat, suit up. Because I know Mrs R and she thinks anything less than sparkling white carpet and dust free surfaces is filth. Not to mention even the smell of burned pizza sets her off, let alone litter boxes. I didn’t want them to stop by. Him, I don’t mind, he’s not as prissy. Her, I know she considers my lifestyle sleazy and health code violating, (She thinks the same of his shop, she’s just that much of a clean nazi.) It was unnerving, and she kept sniffling and kinda covering her nose. Not sure if it was the litter boxes (which I just cleaned out today) or if it was my scented oil burner. Oh, and that whole bad sewer backup beneath the trailer the landlord won’t fix so no amount of cleaning helps. Honestly, I’m just in this blank mind space where people near me just makes me feel freaked out, hostile, and uneasy.

On  the plus side, she brought Margarita hard lemonade drinks. I had two. They talked about their busy weekend, all the places they’d gone, they’d toured a Hershey factory where Heath candy bars were made, went here, there,  et al, the granddaughter was a defiant brat (HA HA HA HA HA, SCREW YOUR DISCIPLINARIANISM, KIDS ARE BRATS!!!) Spook was in time out for most of their visit, just as they arrived I told her she couldn’t play on the computer (again, because grounded means nothing to her) and she threw a tantrum which resulted in her tennis shoe flying off her foot across the room at me. I was feeling awkward all the time, apologizing for my less than stellar house keeping. Like I can control how stinky a cat’s bowel movement is…

I just despise social interaction. On a computer, fine. That’s awesome. In person…I paste on the fake happy face but it’s pretty transparent. I think the whole time I am being civilized and faking smiles, people know there’s something hostile about the clenched jaw and grinding teeth. It’s not intentional, the jaw grinding is painful as hell.

They left, I fed the spawn, had her put on jammas, then I read her a book and we played the letter game. I have noticed since the Focalin, I can actually read an entire book to my kid without my mind being in ten different places and screaming for mercy after a page. That’s good.

Now…It’s nearing 9 p.m. I am furniture for kittens which is uncomfortable because if I breathe too deeply they either cry out from my movement or dig their little hypodermics into my thigh. I think I am nearing crypt time. It was a gray gloomy cold day and that brought my mood to the gutter. I am feeling shitty for my house being so dirty (isn’t that subjective to non clean freaks?) and having those two drinks…Why is everything such a clusterfuck? Can nothing in my life be simple? I even started guilt tripping about The Donor and Spook not having contact and yet, this has been his choice, not mine. I have purposely kept the same address, same home number, same cell number…I have done nothing to block him from seeing his daughter and yet he has shown no interest in her. So why am I feeling bad for it? Because I am a decent person in spite of my flaws and doing anything that could hurt my child is repugnant to me. That being said, the way he flits in and out of the lives of all three of his kids, with no support emotionally, financially or otherwise, makes me ponder whether his involvement with her would be for good or for bad.

I’m not evil. All I want is what’s best for my kid. I just don’t know what that is and I don’t think anyone can know. She gets attached so easily and if the donor reappeared then  let her down  because parenthood somehow detracts from his quality of life…

I’m the bad guy, no matter what. My self esteem is in the gutter now. I know it will pass but it still pisses me off. Why can’t I just have a normal life? Whatever normal is.



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