Panic Brings Overreaction

I am in my post Latudalyptic world (thanks for that one, Diane) and damn, I hate it. My kid was playing outside and pulled her toy kitchen on top of herself. Enter screaming Mimi. Back in the day my kid screaming would have sent me flying out the door in a panic whether I was naked or what not. Today I hurriedly put on shoes, calm, dead inside…And went out to help her. She wasn’t hurt, but it scared her so there were tears and hyperventilating on her part. There I am comforting my child, all the while painfully aware that I feel nothing. Nothing. Just…nothing, ffs. I know what I should feel and behave accordingly but the emotion…Jebus, it’s worse than when I was on Lithium. My emotions, what little there are, are all fucked up. I nearly teared up over a scene on a TV show and yet my kid is hysterical and I’ve got nothing.

The very meds that are supposed to make me well are making me WORSE. How does that even work. And the doctors and pharma companies can feed their stories to the toilet, where shit belongs. These meds, even if it’s not prevalent, do have lasting effects even after you stop taking them.

I sound nuts, for every one of me with “aftermath” there are ten thousand who had zero problems. Yeah, it was like that for me on the wonderful Depo Provera they shoved down my throat. My stepmonster loved it, did well with it, was pissed when they forced her off of it. For me, it made me a suicidal screaming crying trainwreck. Even after ceasing it, the effects lingered for over a year. So it doesn’t matter what medication it is, everyone reacts differently.

Latarda fucked me up. Maybe there are other factors. Maybe not. I’m not the same. But because their “data” dictates nothing but favorable outcome for the most part, it will never be considered relevant that a few had their precarious mental state further disturbed.

So in the space of ten minutes, I went from dead inside and underractive…To spazzing out because Spook stabbed at random keys when the computer was booting up and basically made it useless. I guess it goes to show how attached I am to my computers, to be so furious and panicked. Thankfully, Google had a fix and it’s fine now but…I have no idea what’s happened to me. I think what made me angriest was her sitting there lying to me, saying she didn’t do anything, when I saw her randomly stab at the keys.

To add to all this…I am filled with self loathing and disgust. There has to be something wrong with me on a chronic level. I don’t buy it’s my personality because that changes with the mood/anxiety cycles. One day I am fierce and brave and the next I am a cowering fragile little girl. Neither of which states are optimal. I’m not a mercurial person. I am very stubborn. What never stops changing is what the chemicals in my brain are doing.

I’m starting to wonder if this numbness isΒ  a result of the Trileptal. The Latuda has to be long gone by now. The only change was adding the Trileptal, and the dose is so low it’s negligible. Or maybe it’s a combo of the others meds with Trileptal.

I don’t fucking know, and neither do the doctors, they just pretend they know. Meanwhile, it’s my life going down the drain again. I feel so victimized and helpless which just leads to anger, but the anger is covered in gauze so I can’t even get too worked up about that.

Adding to it all is the weather. It went from high 80’s last week and the last 4 days it’s been in the fifties, gray and rainy and actually cold. The seasonal can’t break if the season doesn’t change and stayed changed. I’m just disgusted. The fact I am disgusted should probably be a good sign. Least I feel something. wrapped in a dozen latex gloves, but still, it’s something.

Clown shoes. Another day in the post Latudalyptic zone. I’d say kill me now but I don’t even feel strongly enough to truly want death.

This is one fucked up place to be.

 

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31 Responses to “Panic Brings Overreaction”

  1. Sometimes they truly don’t know. And sometimes I think there is no real solution and we are just being fed false hope and dreams. Then again, I am still in Funkytown. But I know I can be honest with you and you won’t be brainwashed by my rebel ideas. Someone gave me some shit recently for saying crap about Latuda “BUT THE CHILDREN WHO FOLLOW YOU WILL LEAVE IT.”

    *eye roll major*

    I’m so glad I can talk with you and Sass in all honesty. We can trash talk the Latuda, the doctors and stab them with sporks.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Utter rubbish. If people are so weak minded (included “children”) that they stop taking a drug they have no problems with simply because they read something on the internet…Well, that says more about them and what they were taught than it says about us. I was leery of Latuda, based on what others said, but I rolled the dice anyway. It didn’t work out. Add it to the long list. But I think we are well within our rights to voice our thoughts on how we responded. If anything, talking about it, the bad and good, is educating people on what the studies might not have uncovered or revealed. Kind of why I am glad I don’t promote my blog, just let people find it on wordpress under mental health. I don’t need to invite any shit from the mindless masses because stupid is incurable. (I got all sorts of whackadoodle comments when I linked to social media years ago, NOPE.)

      I’m very thankful to have you and Sass and Diane and Blah and Tessa to talk to about all this crap. Therapists are useful but no one is more helpful and supportive than those who live it. Besides, we’re all sarcastically funny about it, not like we wallow or anything. “The Volatile Femmes Support group.” I like it.

      On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 12:16 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • It you tell a therapist about your skepticism over a certain drug they will do whatever they can to change your thoughts. It’s just not the same talking to them. The health care people are hell bent on keeping you on the drugs and most shrinks don’t want the fuss of changing meds to find what’s right for YOU and instead send you the basic bullshit that “works for the mass” and “is all the rave.”

        Thinking back to all the times I’ve been prescribed something the top reason was: “this has shown great results and it’s new and shiny.”

        100% fucking agreed on the weak minded folks. I am not going to censor myself or what I say on my blog. I put up a disclaimer on the sidebar (which may need revision to be more aggressive) and go about my business. I appreciate when people like you or anyone honestly and valiantly share their real experiences because up until I stared seeing “the not shiny effects” I realized I wasn’t crazy about what I was feeling. (Which of course can be a number of things as so why it’s not “working.”)

      • Here, here! The Volatile Femmes Support Group. I like it! I feel bad because I am actually stabilized after a few bad weeks and you guys are still struggling.

      • morgueticiaatoms Says:

        No, no, no! You an organize things the rest of us aren’t quite managing. Way this disorder goes, we can all take turns with a stable period. It gives us hope to see someone doing well. Means it can be done.

        On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 12:55 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Oh I see and what am I organizing exactly? πŸ™‚

    • I’m so over all the crap pharma feeds the docs…this med is shit and should be reported as such. I want to lead a picket line thingy at their building with me spewing forth my “positive results”. Fuckers. And if the “children” leave it because he say it it’s either A) They are thinking for themselves or B) It’s drilled into their head that they gotta keep trying med after med after med to be perfect and fit into society’s perfect fucking box. FuckallTHATshit. I’ve been feeling kinda stabby today anyway..rawr

      • morgueticiaatoms Says:

        I am pro stabby in spite of my apathy. Thank the sacred spork I have a voodoo doll to stab with sewing pins. Amazon sells the coolest shit πŸ˜‰

        On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 3:40 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Damn I need one of those…but they won’t let me have pins…fuck where’s the fun now??

      • morgueticiaatoms Says:

        May be you could make some little felt sporks in art therapy, use Velcro tape, and feign the stabbing motion? Pin the spork on the (enter organ/body part). Personally. I’d like to find the guys who developed Latarda and make them take the shit for a few weeks. Then declare them whiners when the claim to have side effects or be getting worse. Muhahhaha.

        On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 3:45 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • OH I DO like the idea of making the makers or the Latarda take it. “SEEE?! Your drug is SHIT!” I would make my own felt sporks, but the thought exhausts me…ugh..no-win. Maybe I can find some on google, save them to my flash drive and have them printed out at therapy?! OOOOOO

  2. I agree with you guys, I won’t even entertaining latarda or other ‘new’ drug! That shit scares me. I’m having issues with my moods weirdly fluctuating & constant increased anxiety some panic attacks lately,,, I think I can still co-organize with Tessa if needs help! πŸ™‚

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      I simply do not respond well to the newer atypical anti psychotics. Maybe a body chemistry thing, I honestly don’t know. But were they to actually create a new “anti depressant”, not simply some fluke of an atypical having positive effects on bipolar depression for *some*…I’d try it. There’s so much pressure on the patients to respond to the flavor of the week med, and they’ve lost sight of what we need more than anything: Progress. If you look at what was available 50 years ago, now what there is, it could be possible the magic cocktail simply hasn’t been created yet for a few of us. Organize away. Gofundme Volatile Femmes.

      On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 1:12 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Haha! I hear ya! I don’t react badly like you, Zoe, Sass,,, but I do get some moderate side effects & don’t wanna be a guinea pig. Call me paranoid, but Big Pharma makes us sick purposely to justify pushing more meds down our throat. I’m sure you know I’m not anti drug, I take 5 psyche meds daily, (just wanna clarify that to others) Go Find Me ~ LOL! We should put one up for Shits & giggles πŸ™‚

      • I am on an one of the first mood stabilizers combined with the Cymbalta. I am still feeling fine. I ended up on an old one because I had no insurance and that helped me pay for it. It was much cheaper since it wasn’t new, but it works quite well and right now things are in sync. I am sorry all you guys are still having problems.

    • What do you need help with Diane? I am sort of following all of this, but backwards so a little confused. Not that I am not always confused. Just ask my son. He told me to be quiet today. I said did you just tell me to be quiet and he says no, I know what you are trying to say, but it isn’t coming out that way. Gee I wonder what others think if I do that and he has the guts to tell me. I still think that is all part of the drugs I do take. Or part of the Fibro fog.

  3. I love all you Volatile Femmes ❀ I seriously believe this med has fucked with our brain chemistry. I was on it the longest-about 2 months, and I feel absolutely N O T H I N G inside. THe new Muse "Dead Inside" doesn't even BEGIN to describe the emptiness in there…I just called and left a voicemail for the clinical director of operations at the place I'm at to get authorized more days because I HAVEN"T SEEN THE PSYCHIATRIST AGAIN. What the actual FUCK?! One lady kept asking to see him every other day, the guy that started the same day as me has seen him 3 or 4 times. I'm fucking PISSED. The depression is worsening every day and NO BODY THERE SEEMS TO GIVE A FLYING FUCK. You guys here, have given me the most fucking support and I love you like no body's business. *I'm so anxious right now I'm chewing on the cord to my phone charger* I'm just…ready to give it up and say fuck it and stay empty. I know what you mean about the "feeling" for Spook. Scary place to be. Latudalyptic-awesome word Diane! I'd say I feel my own post coming on, but now…meh-empty.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      We should file a class action lawsuit against the psychiatric professional community on a whole. Bet we’d have people lining up to get in on that because sub par care is the norm, not the exception. I’d also like to sue every doctor who prescribes based on the samples drug companies push at them. And every insurance company who overrules the meds we need because of costs. And KFC for making sporks square instead of fucking round as the sacred spork was intended to be…

      Sue ’em all!

      Um…Maybe when my give a damn returns, IF it indeed does.

      On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 3:36 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • I agree. My give a damn didn’t but, it got up and ran the fuck away.
        I feel bad/shitty and drug reps because they are pushed bullshit facts and make everything shiny and new *Cue Madonna* even their fucking suits and shiny shoes piss me off now…fuck. I was mad, now I’m empty. And ya see why I wanna stay at partial longer?! “Dead Inside”

  4. I was going to write something but I can’t think what?
    Then again, me commenting on a post about emotional numbness and extremes seems relevant somehow
    I stare at an abyss of crap, knowing what I should do to solve it, three rounds of CBT and a flat rate rejection of ever wanting to fuck up my screwed mental valence with chemicals, drugs, have not done anything to make any impact on my inability to act
    In my job I deal with tantrums, stare down a screaming fit with no emotional weakness other than my compulsion to win, think nothing of shouting across a playground of parents and children if needs be and my reaction to finding out someone has had a kid involves acidic humour, when it’s the most important event in their lives
    Then out the blue for less than an hour I’m staring down the barrel of my depression and wandering if I’ve read any situation with half the social awareness I should, found out a colleague had cancer and the most I felt was ‘crap, that ain’t right’ then back to blank emotionless operating standards
    The only time I publicly displayed emotions was when my girlfriend\now good friend dumped me, I was on my knees in crazy reactions and then…. Nothing…. Until I nearly fucked myself professionally by going full obsessional
    Part of me is curious to know what normal human emotional states are like, the rest of me says ’emotionless robot mode works, use it’ before my old friend depression reminds me my emotional compass is fucked, epic style
    I don’t even know how I should ‘feel’ about this vent!
    Sorry for train crashing this one, will put a metaphorical bullet in my brain and go back to robot mode

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Venting is good. Only acceptable robots allowed on my blog are Mr. Roboto (child of the 80’s here) and Bender from Futurama(kiss my shiny metal ass!). We’re all mad here, said the cat. Let your madness loose!

      On Mon, Jun 1, 2015 at 5:44 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • My veins flow with poison
        My mind runs on pain
        The air of a negative crap storm
        Is the weather that I most adore
        As the ice storm of depression
        Makes me remember I can feel
        The heart shaped void
        That failed to kill me
        A reminder I am built to endure

  5. morgueticiaatoms Says:

    Very brutal in its honesty and darkness…Melikes.

  6. Unfortunately, medicinal treatment is often Russian roulette. what works for you, may not work for me. Doctors PRACTICE medicine.

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