Put On The Spot…UGHHH

I don’t well when put on the spot or caught off guard. This is why I’ve always begged people to call before they stop by. Well, I just got a call a few minutes ago from a guy who only calls once or twice a year when he wants something. Of course, it’s all under the guise of “hanging out” which somehow usually involves him dropping trou and trying to prove chronic pot use doesn’t cause impotence . (Seriously, what on Earth possesses a man to drop his pants without so much as a hint there’s interest?) TMI? Oh, well.

I’ve neverΒ  been all that into this guy. I don’t dig potheads, just don’t. I don’t think they should be persecuted like cocaine dealers but I simply don’t relate to people who are stoned out of their gourd every day of the year. I require a modicum of intelligence and lucidity. It ain’t coming from this guy, which was why I lost complete interest. Unfortunately, I don’t have the heart to tell him to fuck off. He’s a friend of my brother in law’s and I have no desire to kick the hornet’s nest. My mother would go ballistic on me if I upset their pro stoner bum lifestyle. (Not my mom or sis, just her husband’s friends, every one of them.)

Instead, I keep going with, “You want to visit? I wouldn’t recommend it, I’m not in a good mental state.” I feel rude and yet…This guy ignores me but a couple of times a year when he wants something. And I’m not gonna go too graphic but he ain’t after my mind. Is he a bad person? No. Just kind of a lazy stoner. He’s 40, still lives with his grandparents, has no license or car, and basically lives to smoke dope and play video games. Not to be judgey, but he got out of this place, joined the military, had a career, made good money…And he flaked out and came back to this hell hole. It irks me because if I could ever get out of here, and support myself and my kid well enough, I’d STAY gone.It is unfathomable to me to give up a career to come back and smoke dope and play video games.

I am judgey. Oh, well. If this person treated me with a modicum of respect rather than random booty calls I might have a different attitude. Instead, even when I was doing okay and willing to hang out, I’d have to say, “Can’t, I have to do this, and pick my kid up and do that…” And he would say, I kid you not, “Oh, yeah, you’re busy doing the mom thing.” Doing the mom thing? Um…Like it’s a short term hobby? Immaturity personified.

Weird thing is, last summer, I ran into him at the smoke shop and we chatted a bit and I was in a decent place, Bex was here, and I told him he should pop by and meet her and we could all hang out. He never did call or come by. Kind of told me what he wanted didn’t involve hanging out and watching movies or listening to music with me and Bex and my kid. So I’ve copped a major attitude. And it’s not like I’m lying, I am NOT in a good place right now. I am coming off Prozac, starting another new med, I’m only two weeks into the Trileptal, my anxiety is pathological. I am in prime screaming mimi territory, to be honest.

Of course, I was caught off guard, put on the spot, and I think I gave too much truthful info which is likely going to bite me on the ass. “I just had a bad reaction to a med and kind of went off the deep end.” Not untrue. But he will tell my sister who will tell my mother and next I know I will be getting a call berating me for not snapping out of my depression because I have a kid and no wonder men can’t stand me and I am unfit mother. My mom’s off the deep end these days and this is exactly the thing she salivates over. Kind of like last July 4th when they had a cookout and I dared to have a Mangorita. OMG. One Mangorita? I am a raging drunk!

I never should have entangled myself, in any minute way, with this stoner guy. It’s all so incestuous, the way he basically lives at mom’s so he and brother in law can spend hours gaming and getting high. I shun him, he tells my sis, she tells mom, and I’ve got a shit storm no matter how you go about it. I’ll either be rude or unfit or whatever tangent momster wants to go off on.

And I am starting to fear that maybe her influence has rubbed off on me and I am too critical of my kid. Though I lean toward impatience due to the anxiety and her defiance less than any evil intent.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR. I don’t like being caught off guard. Never should have answered a call from a number I didn’t recognize. Bloody hell. Now I feel guilty, and for what? Telling the truth about my shitty mental state? Not wanting to be an orifice?Β  It would be one thing if ya know, like R, he just wanted to hang out, watch Dr Who or whatever. That’s the sort of thing I can handle for the most part, provided I don’t have to leave my bubble. But random booty calls…Ugh. I’m too fucking old for such immature men. And I use the term man loosely, because age is not indicative of maturity in the men here.

Sad thing is, were I in a good mental place, I could have said “Nope, not in the mood to hang out” and not felt a second’s remorse or guilt. But because I am in pathological anxiety whining simp mode…

Even doing the right thing is making me feel shitty.

Everyone keeps asking me why I don’t start “getting back out there” since the Donor’s been gone four years now. Frankly, I’m not in that space. My priorities are maturity, intelligence, and someone who doesn’t view my having a kid as “doing the mommy thing.” Just done with the shallow assholes who’d rather smoke a joint and play World of Warcraft than actually spend time having a conversation with a woman. They’re man children and they seem so prevalent in this town, my hope is dwindling. On the days I let myself have hope, and I’m not entirely sure those aren’t just hormonal spikes telling me I need to get laid because I get this super cranky when I don’t.

Now, watch. Couple weeks on the Cymbalta I will probably be raging gleeful and social. Okay, maybe that’s overstating it, but I’ve had good results with it in the past so I am hopeful…

This consistent inconsistency mental illness brings should be used a method of torture.

22 Responses to “Put On The Spot…UGHHH”

  1. I agree on the form of torture. You don’t have “high standards” for wanting to have someone in your life. It’s a reality to want someone you can talk to. Ugh, Stoner Dude needs to be kicked in the balls and stabbed by Reggie. Can we come play? I’ll come and kick ass for you any day and stand up and by your side. Wanna gtf outta there? Let’s buy a condo on the beach and drink mangoritas and have Rs-hole be our man slave. And eminem in his superhero suit and big ass cheeks chillin with us!

    • Hells, yeah. Think we can raise the money with a gofundme account as “life saving mental health care”?

      On Sat, May 30, 2015 at 5:12 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Fuck yeah we can! If someone can get a gofundme for their animal-which I don’t criticize-we can do one for OUR “mental health care”! Buahahahaha evel laugh fail

      • You can do it for just about anything!

      • Who’s in good enough shape to organize? I can’t even sort laundry at the moment. I have sarcasm and sporks and a lot of mental health horror stories as persuasion for donations.

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 11:45 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I’m gifted with words, and I can be VERY persuasive. I even got a softball game changed to hockey for Cute Neighbor Guy last night πŸ˜‰ Too bad i can’t use boobs and batty eyelashes on a gofundmepage…

      • People love animals and boobs. Maybe we can feature some sort of monkey with self esteem issues that needs money for a breast augmentation.

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 11:51 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Nah..that’ll upset those PETA assholes. We should use your kittehs and cardboard box signs…shaming people instead of pet shaming! HA!

      • Well, Nightshade has adopted the two newbies and is nursing them as if they are her own…Guess we could work that angle. “Compassionate mother cat adopts orphans, needs donations for Fancy Feast and catnip.”

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 11:56 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • We can work with that…need to incorporate beaches, alcoholic beverages and hot men into that πŸ˜‰

      • Hell yeah. I can make the graphics for the “spreading of the word.”

      • Swwet! Cuz I SUUUUUUUCK at photoshop or graphic art

      • I made money editing on it so I’m confident we can bedazzle all our ads.

      • Sweet. I am confident in your skills, though maybe I should be the vocal person of the group… πŸ˜‰

      • I vote you for that. You can handle all the press with that bedazzled spork (our logo and primary weapon) β€” maybe a customized microphone spork?

      • Can you make it shoot out poisonous darts with a forgetful toxin? That way people pay for our venture?? And Morgue can use the kittehs as bait for the peoples…

      • We’re very imaginative and sarcastically funny for a bunch of mood swingy chicks. Need to find a way to turn that into some sort of money making career for us all.

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 12:44 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • They do-they have infomercials about fly-by-night fad products. We need to be the ones MAKING the advertising for these! Then we’d be rich..rich I tell ya RICH!

      • Well, I reject smart phone technology but we could have a mental health spork ap. Track how many sporks you have left during the day so you can base your choices on your mental state.
        Or Fifty Shades Of Grey bondage sporks.
        I’m so not running on 8 cylinders today.

      • Me either…I’m on 2…maybe together we can run the car like the Flinstones. People might be into the 50 Shades bondage sporks..I like the idea of the app too..ZOE! Your creative genius is neeeedeeeeed!

  2. OMG! I’m in!! πŸ™‚

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