Psychological Sludge

It’s one of *those* days. I’m not feeling much of anything except anxiety. Now that I have fulfilled my debt to R by meeting the dudes to pick up their TV, braved the dish, traffic from hell, pouring rain…I think I may be able to relax. Or at the very least breathe a little. Every movement feels like trudging uphill in sludge. Am I functioning? Yep. Am I feeling a damned bit of it? Nope. Pure auto pilot and pathological anxiety.

I can’t explain this sudden fear and anxiety when out in public. Oh, sure, I have my attitude toward the petri dish of humanity, it stresses me out, I don’t fare well under stress, et al. This is more than simple anxiety, this is almost a pathological fear. That “painted with a target and everyone has a gun” feeling. It just started in March, I’m not sure what triggered it. The doctor, of course, is very dismissive. You’d think when someone’s telling you all these symptoms and your diagnosis is “anxiety induced”, y0u might want to adjust their medication so their anxiety is better managed for the time. Nope. Just dismissal. And it’s fairly common with shrinks, they have great disdain for anxiety disorders, I think. Whereas anxiety medications are viewed as “masking” the condition, the truth is, for some of us, we need that mask just to start at the same point others normally do. Otherwise, our functionality is hindered severely.

And I was severely hindered in today’s traffic. One of the lights on the main drag was blinking, which meant eight ways of each car having to completely stop, then discerning whose turn it was go next from which direction. My kid in the back, yap yap yap, I felt like the walls were closing in on me. And trapped in traffic, door to door basically, it’s a logical feeling. I was so relieved to turn off onto a side street. Of course, my relief was short lived because my mini backseat driver let out a shriek of, “Watch out, Mommy!” For no reason other than a car was in front of us. Thank you, Spook, mommy needs help being more paranoid and nervous.

I had three bags to carry in and it felt like I was facing a marathon. Just the simple act of carrying three bags inside. Pathetic. And the house work? I can’t bring myself to face it.  Psychological sludge. One would think after a relatively slow paced week I’d be coping better and calmer. Ha. My brain has other ideas.

In a display of my evil side…I am feeling a bit of schadenfreude. There are events going on all over town and out of town and it’s pouring and ha ha ha, the dish dwellers and their normal people activities are ruined. I really am a bitch at times. Maybe because I envy their ability to live normal lives. Then again, crowded events aren’t my thing anyway so even if I were functional, it’s doubtful I’d be at those events.


Cripes, it’s like living with Sheldon from Big Bang Theory minus the OCD knock on the door.

Okay. Dish time done. I need to chill. It would probably help to take a half dose Xanax since I haven’t had any since last night. I try to do without as long as I can simply because of all the stigma and addiction bullshit attached to Xanax. And I don’t get it because I’ve seen people just as hooked on Ativan or Klonopin. Leave it to a bunch of fucktards to taint what is a very good medication for some people who need it. I know it helps me, yet the guilt and stigma attached…Sad that I’d be looked on more favorably if I were just a constant drinker.



16 Responses to “Psychological Sludge”

  1. I love that term ‘Pathological anxiety ” I live with p. anxiety, FUCKING SUXXX!! I can’t tolerate repetitive sound (doesn’t have to be loud either) & light (natural is ok, although I prefer dim) Ugh those set my anxiety sky rocketing!! Xanax down the gullet right now CHEERS!

  2. I got my pooper scooper..think that’ll help with the sludge?

  3. Can’t do Xanax. Heightens my anxiety usually, but have some here still. I am hooked and I do mean hooked on Klonopin. 4 mg a day. Pretty high dose. Started on .25 twice a day. Look at me now and it barely touches my anxiety anymore, but don’t think they raise that any higher. I have been on it for several years and I know people who tried to get off it and had a hard time weaning off. If not physically addicted definitely mentally hooked on it. I use to take the low dose as needed now I take 2 mg twice a day every day. And panic when I get too low and the pharmacy has to order it.

    • I don’t dispute the validity of addiction to these type medications. My former shrink called it “controlled addiction”. If I don’t take at least .25 Xanax daily I will get withdrawal symptoms. At the same time many days that’s all I take and I am fine. Klonopin did nothing for me, nothing. Nor did Ativan or Buspar. Just goes to show how our chemistry varies. I think the fact my dose has come down over the years and it still works just spells out that this is the one med that works right for me. And my six month stash ensures i don’t run out 😉 Pill Hoarders, Coming to A and E. Come to think of it I think I still have a few Klonopin I never took cos they did nothing. Blows the doctors’ theory that everyone gets addicted and pops them wily nily. Everyone responds differently. As soon as the doctors start realizing that, the sooner I can put away my stabby spork attitude. Or not.

      On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 6:13 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • The hospital used Ativan, useless so is vistaril. I couldn’t sleep. At their 15 minute room checks I waved at them or sat on the side of my bed and got yelled at to get back in bed. I would tell them I can’t sleep and I would get a dose of Vistaril. Come to think of it they wouldn’t let me have Klonopin and I don’t remember a problem with it. I have been lucky with the cold turkey stopping of drugs. Buspar didn’t work either.

      • One of my former doctors was very anti Xanax and pro Klonopin and I told her flat out they don’t work for me. She was on about the addiction aspect so I asked about Vistaril, which my counselor had suggested. Doc flat out said it wasn’t going to touch the level of anxiety I had.
        My brother takes Vistaril, he’s still way high strung.
        It’s a lot like the sleeping pill thing. Create something that works, without heinous side effects or addictive propensities, and we’d be taking it. Until then…gotta go with our options and what works for each of us as individuals.

      • Ativan and Vistaril are jokes. If the hospital would use what the patients are actually on they may have better luck.

      • True that. Come to think of it, it was after I had that Nardil reaction and went into the hospital they swapped me from Xanax to Ativan. I made it a month before the shrapnel started flying then demanded my Xanax back. Must be a hospital policy thing to go with the lightweights. Idgets.

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 10:24 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • They probably go with the cheapest and there will be less side effects if the doses are low. I spent every night awake and agitated. I used to go out to the nurses station (behind glass) and cry because I was so upset and not able to sleep. It was a horrible time. The only time I sleep was the first couple of days when they put me on Haldol which I had to come off of once out of the hospital because I was having terrible side-effects. The one I am on now if not cooperating with an antidepressant causes severe depression with suicidal thoughts and I am afraid I will try again. This time with the Cymbalta I am doing good so far. Almost 4 weeks of stablization and no depression or mania.

      • I am about to start the Cymbalta, I’ve had good luck with it. If I may ask, what mood stabilizer are you on? I’ve been on Trileptal three weeks and aside from the weird dreams, it seems okay, he wants to take me off the Lamictal eventually. Just trying to find the right cocktail is maddening.

        On Sun, May 31, 2015 at 10:41 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • I take Trilofon (sp) an old time mood stabilizer and for once I am actually stable almost 4 weeks now. I am on 4 mg of Trilofon and 90 mg of Cymbalta.

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