Disturbing Sleep

I went off the sleeping pills/Melatonin because they overly sedated me and gave me very weird, sometimes frightening, dreams. Well, I am still off of them and prior to Latarda, my dreams had been fairly tame. I figured it would go away after the system rid itself of that toxin. But I started the trileptal and the bizarre dreams are still there. I woke up so many times last night, due to weird dreams. Maybe not as weird as the ones I had as a kid where the mustachioed meat counter guy from the grocery store was chasing me around my aunt’s sewing room with a knife…Still…A  bucket of what the fuck.

First, I dreamt of this enormous douchebag guy I went to school with. The one who tormented from me sixth grade on, telling me I should take drugs so I’d have an excuse to be weird, telling me I should do the world a favor and kill myself, oh, and then that scene in the high school gym when he offered me a dollar for a blow job because I “look like a hooker.” Yeah, pretty much the bane of my teenage existence. The one reason I vowed to never kill myself, I’d never give that prick the satisfaction. So WHY THE FUCK WAS HE IN MY DREAMS? It wasn’t sex dream, it was more like “getting to know your tormentor and realize he’s actually very damaged and decent under it all.” Again, WTF?

Then I had a dream I ran into a girl I went to school with when I was in elementary years. I haven’t seen that girl since I was ten, yet there I was having a dream where I bumped into her. I remembered her only because of her unique name. Thariscia. If dreams are some sort of subconscious thing, what is this telling me? It sure as hell isn’t “I missed an awesome childhood.” I know sometimes a dream is just a dream, means nothing, but to go from barely dreaming and having no memory to such vivid dreams I do remember…And yeah, I even had a pleasant dream the other night about hanging out with a gorgeous guy with eyeliner. It was very brief. The weirdo dreams…are long. I don’t even know.

So…First day of kid being out of school for summer. I was up by seven. Stupid bladder is more demanding than the child. I did not want to get up, my entire body ached and I was still so groggy…Maybe because I was awake until almost two a.m. Even when exhausted, I have trouble falling asleep. My gums hurt already from the teeth gnashing, which while I buy it’s a sign of anxiety, I find it fucking convenient I didn’t have it even on Latarda, it only started after the Trileptal. I am so sick of this doctor and his “there aren’t many side effects” or “there is no withdrawal.” He’s just so damned nice, it’s hard to question him, and yet the pharmacy inserts contradict everything he says. If the pharma company admits these side effects exist, the pharmacist knows, the patients know…It’s just wrong that a doctor would be so dismissive.

Starting to feel a little overwhelmed with the kid yapping and the kittens climbing me. I know inevitably my dad will darken my doorstep with a call or visit at some point. (The man makes me want to kill myself, sometimes. He’s just so gloom and doom and critical. But it’s a mystery how I got those same traits.) Oh, the teeth gnashing is driving me crazy.

Oh, I just remembered another whacko dream I had. I was at Dollar Tree and they were selling dentures on the shelf. WTF, seriously. Maybe because I’m gonna grind my teeth down and need replacements?

I have this strong desire to write yet I am still blocked. I know my stress would be lessened if I could just escape into my world of fiction. Yet…Forcing it doesn’t work. I’m trying to read a Jonathan Kellerman book but my heart and head aren’t quite in it. It’s gonna be a looong summer.

And I just remembered I’m on call today so at some point I am gonna have to put on actual clothes. Fuck. I like jammies. Good morning, pretzel gut says. I swear my innards are braided.

Breathe. Picture the STOP sign. I actually spent a bit of time the other night trying to get to sleep with the STOP sign method. Making up what the letters stand for.

Serenity. Tranquility. Offer. Peace. Stop Thinking Of Problems. I do the same thing with license plate letters.

I am coming off the Prozac, so it’s gonna be a bumpy week. In the event the shrink is right and there’s no withdrawal…It will be the first time ever for me and I will alert the world record books.

 

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8 Responses to “Disturbing Sleep”

  1. Pretzels… Now that’s true love. I cannot think of a single thing I don’t like about them.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      The pegacorn shall arrive in a few days with a bushel of Pretzels for you. Unless he gets the munchies, then you may end up with nothing but salt dust. Damn bi-mythical creatures.

      On Sat, May 30, 2015 at 9:01 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. You are my hero. I suspect the nearest place to me that sells pretzels is 300km away; if it doesn’t have any, it’s 1000km. Bah.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Lack of ease to purchase pretzels??? That is cruel and unusual. You should sue someone for hindrance of basic pretzel access rights.

      On Sat, May 30, 2015 at 9:05 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  3. I remember the nightmares I had on pristiq and fanapt. They were horrible! You’d think these side effects would be discussed prior to writing the prescription.

  4. I came off Prozac and Paxil cold turkey. No effects. They thought the fact I tried to commit suicide was a good reason to stop that drug immediately. So I did. Actually when we were trying to find a drug I could tolerate the psychiatrist took me on and off , no weaning. This psyche nurse is the same. The only one that bothered me was the Latuda.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      I had a super bad reaction to Effexor cold turkey back in the 90’s, hallucinations, sleeping with a knife under my pillow…It was bad. Guess some people are just susceptible and some aren’t. I know with SSRI’s, I have worse withdrawal than quitting Xanax cold turkey. I’m special in that “I don’t want to be special” way.

      On Sat, May 30, 2015 at 4:34 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  5. C’mon! Now you of all people should know the ONLY side effect of psych meds is delusions of having bad/major side effects!! LOL! Dammed BIG PHARMA PHUCKERS!! (just a side note, I had terrible terrible night terrors almost nightly from at least 4 y/o until I can’t tell you, so bad I’d crawl into bed with my mom & dad or my brother)

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