Psychologically Chafed

Today’s Accomplishments to impress and astound: I took my kid to school and took a shower, the first since Sunday. (I took two showers on Sunday, so…Yeah, ok, doesn’t count but…Fuck it.)

Yesterday sucked. I finally got myself out the door to go be captive audience for R…And a couple doors down from the shop…There was a dead cat in the road. After losing Castiel, finding a dead cat was the worst thing that could have happened. I SPAZZED. Tears, hyperventilating, just emotional shrapnel flying. I had a plastic bag in the car so I walked down and carried the cat’s body out of the road and onto a lawn. It was still warm and gushing blood, for all my gore whore stuff with movies…Dead animals get me in a way nothing else does.

R at least made an attempt to comfort me. I was allowed twenty seconds to compose myself before I got to hear about his problems. Meanwhile, all my brain can see are dead cats and his voice just makes me want to kick him in the shin because I WANT TO MOURN AND BE SAD. His coping method is to move along as quickly as possible. Mine is to let myself be sad for as long as it takes. So not even being allowed this small thing…GRRR. I was so glad to leave. When you’re in that sad place but surrounded by someone who views emotion as a weakness…Soul sucking is what it is. Not to mention, with my affect so off, every word I said got his panties in a bunch because of course, his first assumption was that I was being mean. In my current state, I can say I love you and I hate you and the tone never changes, I’m DEAD inside except for the pain and anger. And even that feels draped in black gauze. The only other time I ever remember my emotions being this affected was on Lithium. Is this my new norm post Latuda? Heaven help me if it is.

To replenish my soul, as well as thinking about Brimstone being all alone with both siblings dead, I snagged two new kittens my sister’s cat had. One boy, one girl. Boy is black and white, the girl is calico, about the same age as Brimmy. Just what I need, more mouths to feed and care for, right? Well, kittens are like narcotics for me. I  cannot be a hateful ogre when faced with adorable balls of fur. I’d say they make me happy, but post Latuda, nothing makes me happy. Just less stabby. So pardon me while I huff fluffy little kittens, The girl is Absinthe (Abby-sin,for the spawn’s memory) and the boy is Alchemy (Ally-C). They have cuddled up in a fur pile with Brimmy so I think I did the right thing for all involved. To indicate just how catcentric I am, I am sitting on the very edge of my chair because their fur pile is at the back and I don’t want to disturb them for my own comfort. Were it a person in my chair, I’d tell them to move. Kittens, legal heroin.

I feel like I’m sleepwalking, to some extent. I’m going through the motions but it’s like my mind and body have been injected with Novacaine so I’m bumping into everything and I can’t feel it because I am numb. Plus, I am making the stupidest mistakes. Like the other day, I grabbed some milk. I was wide awake, in a blindingly well lit store, I set it down, I carried it to the car..And it wasn’t til later when I went to get some milk for mashed potatoes, I realized…FUCK, I got chocolate milk. How the hell did I not notice I got brown milk instead of white? Not a subtle difference. The housework has gotten out of control again, seven baskets of laundry to be folded. I sent my kid to school today and didn’t even realize til she was getting out of the car in the sunlight she had lint on her black shirt and pants. (And I have my fifty shades of evil mother in my head from the other day, “You don’t send her to school with lint. And her colors don’t match, I NEVER sent you girls out in clothes that didn’t match!) And I felt bad, but then  I remembered the hell I’m going through right now. My kid is clean, fed, and getting educated. Fuck some lint. Could have gotten it playing with the cats before school, I can’t be on top of every shallow aesthetic detail.

I’m doing the run on sentence thing again, smeg. I think I’ve gotten dumber.  But there’s no way to know for sure what is the new norm. I’m off one med, starting a new one, the pharmacy caused my Focalin schedule to be disrupted…It’s probably going to be a month before I can even discern what is going on with my brain. And I don’t give a damn what they say about Latuda being out of your system in “four days”. It may not appear on a test, but the aftermath is very fucking real. I was tapered off Cymbalta and still had withdrawal for two months even though the doctor said it was not possible. My faith in doctors, shaky at best, has become wrought with suspicion and fear. If a doctor has to get out his iphone to pull up a list of “popular and common” side effects for a med, rather than actually know them because, ya know, he’s a doctor and educated and all…It’s not a good sign. And leaving out side effects that are so common they are first up in the pharmacy literature…I’d never take my car to a mechanic who was so lacking in basic information on the job he’s performing. Of course, it’s entirely possible I am having notions of grandeur and am actually a lunachick.

Off all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

THIS is where mentally ill people become the best targets for manipulation and abuse. We can’t always trust what our own mind is telling us, how we’re feeling, how we perceive things. Not because we’re blind to our flaws, or unreasonable, but because our wiring is crossed and sending out wrong messages. It’s so easy for someone to use that against you. I see people do it to me all the time. And I am humble enough to know I do go off the deep end sometimes so there are things I do that are legitimately annoying, angering, et al. Not being able to trust my own mind is absolute ass trash. But over the last few years, I’ve come to a method of discernment. Because of the cyclothymic rapid shifts, I can be mad about something at noon and forget why I was mad by 6pm. My general rule is, bite your tongue, let it be for now, and if it’s still bothering you in a day or two, then you speak up.  It’s been very helpful in letting me determine what’s a good response and what is actually a distorted response that validates the “crazy bitch” remarks. Some stuff I totally forgot hours or a day later and even marveled at why it made me mad because by then, I was pretty apathetic about the whole thing. And sometimes, when my response is legitimate yet I am surrounded by people who’d rather manipulate and blame me and make me doubt myself…It’s still festering a day or two later, it bothers me and I can bring it up now that I’ve calmed down. The assclowns don’t stop manipulating but at least I’m in a state where I am calm and collected and stating my case in a sane manner rather than flying off the handle thus validating their opinion.

My kid gets out of school early today, some sort of school improvement planner thing this afternoon. I have this sheet the school sent home wanting the parents to volunteer for the end of year fun day, to supervise, serve, et al. And I WANT to participate in my kid’s school life, I want to be a help. I just don’t see how I can let myself loose on civilized people and masses of noisy children when even the people who know me best are finding my every response nasty. It has to be returned tomorrow. I honestly don’t think my nerves or my mind can handle even a two hour exposure to a hundred fifty kids, all the teachers and parents…It’s weird. I never felt bad when I asked the doctor to write me a note to get out of jury duty (face it, last thing any defendant wants is a bipolar person deciding his fate or holding up the jury because their wonky brain is rejecting logic on that day.) But when it comes to not participating in my kid’s school life, it bothers me. I am not an uninvolved uninterested parent. I am, at this juncture in time,a bit of a livewire. That much stimuli…It could be a powder keg. So how do I beg off without becoming “that bitch who won’t lift a finger to be involved in her kid’s school life.” GRRRR.

I want to sue the makers of Latuda and the doctor, I was not this fucked up prior to that stuff. My blog can attest to it. Just watch how the tone and lucidity changes from the pre Latuda posts and the ones during its use and then after. It’s pretty obvious. I understand medications have side effects, they cannot always be predicted, people respond differently…But with my disability review pending and me actually get worse instead of an iota better…This is nerve racking. “Hi. I think you should hire me for this job because the powers that be think I am A-okay. Just be aware that I may fly off the handle, stab you with a spork, and then  collapse in a pile of fury and tears at random intervals. I am totally stable and able to do this now.” Jebus, this couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

On the plus side, it’s warmer and sunny today as opposed to yesterday’s cold (we all turned our heat back on which hasn’t been used since March) and rain. That helps lift my mood out of the sewer. Still feeling psychologically chafed. Like blisters have formed and if there is the tiniest bit of friction the blister will explode and raw open wounds will be rubbing together. This is not simply thinking negatively or being scared. This is my reality. The fact I’ve managed to not stick my head in an oven is truly amazing. I just keep sleepwalking. It’s all I can do.

I think R wanted me to pop by the shop today. I don’t think I can do it. Yesterday was bad enough, him taking every word I said as some sort of snark. Until my proper affect returns, being around others is just not advisable. My kid is so oblivious to anything but her own needs my state isn’t a blip on her radar, and I like it that way. My shit shouldn’t be her problem. But mental illness isn’t like some drug habit you can simply stop using or go to rehab for. It’s just the elephant in the room that is never going to leave and even if it’s mentioned…It changes nothing.At some point, my kid is going to catch on that her mommy isn’t quite “like other moms.” I don’t look forward to that day.

Okay, purge over. I showered, that was my goal for today.Now I am gonna zone out and do nothing. Which allowing myself to do just might result in something getting done. I work quite well when not under the pressure to perform.

To prove my funny bone survived Latuda…Just a couple of ha has I found.

pink slipbears

Advertisements

22 Responses to “Psychologically Chafed”

  1. I like the sleepwalking comparasion. I say I’m on autopilot-but they both work. I think ALL drug makers and dealers and healers should look at our blogs pre-latuda, during and post-latuda and then they MIGHT see that their medication is fucking dangerous. You have showered more that me-kudos. I don’t know when I will shower again. I don’t feel like getting dresses. I started laundry last night and IDGAF if I finish it. I did take my trileptal and klonopin so we shall see how the rest of today goes. Snuggle and snort for fluffy kittehs for me. I miss soft stuff. That’s another thing-I don’t really FEEL textures. Like, I know they’re THERE but the nerves that tell me to feel them are poof! Like I’m wearing gloves all the time. WTF is up with THAT shit?!
    Love ya woman! Sporks For All! (No, not really….sporks for a select few-I’m being selective and bitchy right now.)

    • That gloved thing you have going on sounds a lot like what I call the “novacaine” feeling. Like drinking through a straw after having a tooth pulled. You see yourself do it, you know you’re doing it, but you’re so numb you can’t FEEL it.

      Love you too, with a bouquet of sporks and more orgasmic chocolate to cure what ails you. Or make it suck less anyway.

      On Thu, May 21, 2015 at 12:14 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

    • I meant to tell you, that jaw clenching is a symptom of atypical anti psychotics like Latuda and *may* not go away even after you stop taking it. They forget to mention that. Seroquel left me with facial tics and it took years for them to go away. Can’t believe this shit is legal.

      • Fucking great…what a bunch of asshole bullshittery..oh-the doc at partial what’s to try me on saffrys(?) after the anxiety is under control. What’s your take on this? It’s prob the only med left I HAVENT tried..

      • Same class and about the same side effect/adverse reaction list as Latuda. But you never what will work. I’ve told my doctor I won’t take anymore atypicals, period, as I have never once responded well to one. Thus we are are trying the dual mood stabilizer therapy.
        http://www.drugs.com/saphris.html

        (Ya know, the name kinda resembles your username..Saphris for Sass? is it a sign??? LOL)

      • Could be a sigh LOLOL Ima peep out the list, then see if a freak out is needed. I need to keep the mania and depression under control so I present a ill trouble lol. I respond to some meds but the side effects make them not worth it-like the 14 hour sleeps when I have small children at home. Nopenopenope

      • Sam here. I don’t want some noncompliant mark on the record but really, we should be respected for considering our responsibilities as well as our own recovery. Side effects are a BIG deal, especially with kids on the loose.

      • Yes! God forbid we want to be good parents and want to take care of them. Asshats. I’m good at giving meds 6-8 weeks but my kids come first then my mental health. Shame on me for being a parent tsk tsk

      • I just read the side effects of saphris…uh, I’m leery seeing as it’s like the same fucking thing..I will need to talk to my pharmacist since I’m on trileptal and it metabolizes shit quicker through the liver. Did your pharmacist talk to you about that??

      • Only thing my pharmacist said was it could cause drowsiness and I *might* need to take it with food. It’s supposed to be taken with at least 300 calories for proper absorption, something they failed to tell me as well. I’d have known nothing about it had I not read the entire 3 page pharmacy insert. I can’t believe the incorrect or lacking information we are given about these drugs. As for the new med…it can only be your choice. Maybe check out some forums, see what the norm side effects are, what the positives are. Better than what the professionals say is what the people actually taking it say. That way you can at least make an informed choice. Heaven knows the professionals don’t tell us shit. And this “Latuda is gone in four days and has no withdrawal symptoms”, I think we are all proving that to be a crock. Maybe it’s not the norm in the studies but for some of us, it would have been nice to know this was a possibility. Had I known, I would have said hell to the no.

        On Thu, May 21, 2015 at 3:51 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I would have said the same thing. I wanted desperately to be better, but at what cost now? I will look at some forums and deff speak to Trevor about it as well. The reason ask about the trileptal is because I have to use a backup method with my birth control-like I’m having sex, HA!-and that’s when we found that the trileptal can affect the latuda as well. My psych nurse didn’t even know. Disappointment abounds. And since when is anyone with any MI/CI in “the norm”?! Fucking dicksmacks..

      • Yeah, sex life with these meds and children on the loose, ha ha ha. But he didn’t ask if I was on birth control, let alone warn me this stuff could make it less effective. I learned that from YOU for free. It’s in the pharmacy insert as well. For $150 for fifteen minutes of his time, you’d think the doctor would be the one to educate. My cats are more useful. I had such hope for this one…Guess that’s what qualifies for “adequate” mental healthcare in the midwest. The decent docs don’t want to be here! LOL

        On Thu, May 21, 2015 at 4:04 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • LMAO hahaha May is more attentive too. I’ll take animals over docs any day. Hell I don’t wanna be here! I wanna be in Florida near The Gulf of Mexico for the rest of my life! I hate the cold here. Maybe that’s my problem..I need vibrant heat. You and Spook should come with us! We can be warm year round and look for eye candy even when we don’t want/need it 😉

      • Yess, the sunshine state needs my gloom! And objectifying nuggets of eye candy sounds like fun. I’d settle for any place with competent mental health care, truthfully. Like isporkacorns, non existent except in my vivid imagination.

        On Thu, May 21, 2015 at 4:34 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I think there’s competent healthcare in Europe…ooooo! Let’s go to the medeterranian! There’s LOTS of handsome eye candy there! We can breed isporkacorns and live on luxurious yachts and be fed grapes by men in menkinis!! SOLD!!

      • Hells yeah! I have some people to invite on the yacht. They don’t swim so it’d be a shame if they were bumped into and went overboard. I’d cry.
        Two whole tears 😉

      • BWAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂

  2. I guess I missed a bullet on this one. I had a hard time for the 2 weeks on Latuda and for a few days after I came off, but I went right on back to my trusty old-fashioned mood stabilizer the first day off Latuda. No time in between. I am just happy not to be super duper depressed and suicidal. Hope you 2 feel better soon.

    • The weird thing is, since I quit it, I no longer feel suicidal. Truth be told, even in my worst 8 month long depression, I never felt that angry, depressed, and suicidal as I was on Latuda. Now I’m just numb and suffering some sort of mental deficit resulting in flat affect and intellectual misfires. Bad juju, Latuda is.

      On Thu, May 21, 2015 at 4:28 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  3. Get a tourist, then death by ranger… Double the fun!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: