I find you offensive for finding me offensive


Our kitten, Castiel, who reached three months and last week was flourishing…died. I have no idea why, he just started dropping the weight he had gained and he couldn’t keep food down then he stopped eating and omg, the sweet little kitty is gone…

Prior to that I was indulging myself with, “I really hope my earlier post doesn’t piss off people, I came off pretty looney in and I don’t want to be a people pleaser but there are people on wordpress I’ve grown to consider friends and I don’t want them to run screaming into the night because I get award for being the craziest of them all…”

Finding my kitten dead reminds me…I’m getting right back into the trap I always do, bonding with people, no matter how distantly or shallowly, then I get comfortable enough to REALLY say what’s on my mind (you didn’t think I was using filters? ha ha ha) and I remember…I’m not a people person. Cats are my friends. I never have to have anxiety about offending them. I mourn their loss more than I do human relatives. (And while my affect is dead and I can’t muster up a single tear, I am devastated inside even if it’s coated in ten layers of black gauze.) Castiel just had this gentle pumpkin face and when he looked up at me, I could melt into a puddle and…

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

So…Being that I am out of my mind and all, and even I know that now whether it’s Latuda-damage or whatever new malady the shrink picks for the week’s theme…I’m a train wreck and I simply cannot be worrying about offending people when I never set this blog up for anyone to read by myself and one other friend. ONE person I gave the link to, no self advertising at all. I purposely did it that way so I wouldn’t have to be anxious about speaking my mind and setting off a shit storm of offended comments from internet trolls or people who simply have a differing opinion or are very sensitive when I say I think Nirvana, and all grunge music, suck…

I can’t do that or be that anymore. It’s taken me a long time to realize…THAT is a personality trait. MINE. My own fault. I’ve never shied away from dressing how I want, listening to the music I like, voicing my opinions with those I know either agree or disagree but can handle the dissent…I do this to myself, no one else does. Much as I don’t want to offend people I really like…

I’m just going to go with the Eminem line. “I find you offensive for finding me offensive.”

Because if me speaking my mind, even if you don’t agree, causes some sort of rift…I’m not sure I want to associate with people who can’t have a mutual respect for the thoughts of others as well as their own if they differ. Frankly, if I were one of those people, I’d hate me. Hell, I hate me for worrying about such idiocy when normally it’s not a blip on my radar and I swear to sacred isporkacorns that Latuda has made me lose my fucking mind…And my kitten is dead yet so many useless beings continue to exist and that’s the second kitten I’ve lost this month and it is all just…

Massively sad.


R.I.P Castiel ❤

(Postnote, I got an insert with my Trileptal listing the number to call the FDA about side effects and I think I just may do that because I was nowhere near this fucked up a month ago before that Latarda crap. No drug should be allowed to wreak this much havoc on your mind and no,I am not blaming my personality on it, but the way I’ve been thinking, reacting as of late…Yeah, that’s from the Latuda and it’s not going to get acknowledged until more of us who have had  a bad reaction report it to someone other than the dismissive doctors.)


4 Responses to “I find you offensive for finding me offensive”

  1. I want that number. I want to reem someone’s ass for the shit.
    I am so so so soooooo sorry about your lil punkin face Castiel </3 I don't find you offensive in the least bit. I find you honest and real and I think THOSE are GREAT personality traits you need to wrap around your shoulders like a fucking cape cuz you're a damn strong woman to be "dealing" and fucking living through it at. I love you-eww I stepped in mushy warm feelings-and I'm proud to call you a friend, even if I'm just words 😉

  2. Sorry for the loss of Castiel. We had that happen to a boy kitten of ours. Did you feed him a lot of fish foods. It seems male cats can’t handle a bunch of fish in their diets. At least that was what we were told. Perfectly healthy young male kitten just keeled over.

    • Oddly, my cats can’t stand fish, so all I ever buy is chicken or beef. I think it was just his litter being born premature. His sister had an unformed skull, which was what killed her. I just thought she’d lived three weeks, he made it three months, thought they were out of the woods and then got this kick to the face…I take it way too hard but they’re family.

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