Boarding The Trileptal Train

I called the shrink office last night declaring that I’m done with Latuda cos it was causing suicidal thoughts. They finally got back with me around noon. Then the nurse said she’d call back. They asked me to come in at three. So I did.

He said there is no withdrawal from Latuda and none of the things happening to me have anything to do with that though the suicidal thoughts could be linked to it. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. That stuff is frigging toxic. (And I am beginning to wonder if my brain will ever return to pre Latarda norm.)

I try to explain I am still depressed but of course, my anxiety is skyrocketing (my blood pressure was on the high side of normal, and I usually am in or below normal range, so HELLO, CAN YOU PROFESSIONALS SAY PANIC ATTACK???) and he says… “You’re not depressed, you’re hypomanic.” Um…ANXIETY, DUMBASS. I was not amused at all. I told him from the first appointment, I panic when facing new people and having appointments sets off the anxiety anyway. I thought he would then  realize I was jittery and fidgeting and acting bizarre because I was nervous and freaking out. NOPE. He thinks it’s hypomania. And maybe he’s right (about hypomania, not the Latarda). I thought hypomania just meant excess functional energy. Apparently, it comes with anxiety, more energy, irritability, cognitive dysfunction, and an angry or empty affect. HUH?

Then he went on to comment on all the meds that haven’t worked for me, (basically implying that it’s somehow my fault). I tried to broach how I was misdiagnosed for so many years and was given nothing but anti depressants, which without a mood stabilizer would have made it worse and could have over years affected their effectiveness. (Affect the effect? Bizarre.) He just seemed to bulldoze right over me, driving the hypomania into the ground. I don’t agree because I don’t enjoy much of anything anymore and I don’t think that level of anhedonia spells out anything but severe depression. And the hypomania could be from the Latarda, it made me so bloody anxious I thought bugs were crawling on my skin. But the doctor rules all, and I’m too tapped out to put up too much of a fight.

So trileptal it is. Never had it. But dual mood stabilizer therapy worked before (though it was Lamictal and Lithium and I won’t take the Lithium anymore) so what the hell. Though it irked me a bit that she said the script wouldn’t be called in until almost five and my pharmacy closes very early so I can’t pick it up til tomorrow. Thought the  point was to get started ASAP. It felt like a rather rushed apathetic visit, I was unimpressed. But then my affect is all wrong and I am irritable so what do I know. I DID ask him about POSSIBLE side effects because he just kept saying “excessive thirst. I told him, Look, I live alone with a 5 year old, I need to know what COULD happen so those I’m around can let me know if I am going off the rails. I don’t always know. (Frankly until people started commenting “get off the Latuda” I thought it was all in my head.)

So…One more ride on the New Medigoround. Lovely. I will keep an open mind but the Latuda tainted me big time. I don’t care what they say. I’ve read enough accounts of others’ experiences on blogs and forums to discern that it ain’t just me this shit is happening to. The doctors are wrong. It sounds arrogant but Latuda is relatively new so it may just be a case of limited information or unreported side effects. Back in the mid nineties, I was on Effexor and the doctor yanked me off cold turkey because back then,they didn’t realize SSRIs caused such awful withdrawal. I spent two weeks with auditory and visual hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia, didn’t leave my bedroom except to go pee…It was living hell and my normal doctor kept telling me it was normal. After I got to the point where I was sleeping with a butcher knife under my pillow out of terror of being attacked, I called the on call emergency doctor. He said, “You never quit these medications, you have to taper off or this happens.” WTF? Now it’s common knowledge but how many of us did it take going through that hell before they acknowledged it? Latuda isn’t any different, even if its a different drug class.ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (Ha ha, kitty Brimstone just walked across the laptop, I’m gonna leave that cos it describes my thoughts on Latarda.)

I left my kid at mom’s for the hour I was at the dr. By the time I picked her up, she’d acquired an injury playing with one of the bum roommates’ kids and the drama was worthy of an Oscar. She can spit on people and shut their hand in the door without blinking but she gets hurt by accident and it’s a tragedy. No empathy. I got to hear about what an angel she was and my mom preaching, “I don’t know why you have so much trouble with her, what did you do to make her not like you?” Oh…Say the word know, set boundaries, dole out consequences…That’ll make a kid resent you and act out. Whereas saying yes to every whim they have results in no tantrums and adoration.

We returned home to cops across the street. It’s so common I barely noticed. Then the neighbor lady came to ask if I’d seen her cat, it’s been missing 5 days. I haven’t. She informed me some squatters had been running a meth lab in the vacant trailer across the street and could have blown us all up. She was the one who called in suspicious behavior in an empty trailer and the meth lab equipment was found. STELLAR. Least this time it wasn’t residents, I cant be blamed for raising my kid in a meth zone if it was being done under the radar by squatters. (But I mentioned it to my mom on  the phone and she tried to blame it on me, saying I was raising my kid in an unfit neighborhood. Ha, they’ve had a murder and a shooting on their street in the last year, the hypocrite.) Besides, I’m doing the best I can and aside from theft and noise, I’ve had no problems here. I could live next to a meth lab in the pricy subdivisions.

Then the crazy woman says, “I asked her if you had a boyfriend and she says yeah, R.” She also thinks her daddy works at the brain store and boy cats can have babies. Jebus, is it anyone’s business? I have no inclination to socialize (thank you sex drive lowering meds) and I especially have no intention of bringing around a parade of men who stick around a week or two then split. Not because I give a damn, but because my kid latches onto people and then I never hear the end of it. I won’t do it to her or myself. I should have just said, “I have a girlfriend, actually.” My mom’s always had this weird view that gay men are ok but gay women are “lezzis.” CRAZY BIATCH.

So I had 8 plus hours in the dish today. It was daunting. I actually did something sorta brave. I returned to the very same convenience store that so set me off yesterday. And I was okay, right up til all those beeps started going off for gas pump authorization. That was when fight or flight kicked in. (Apparently the hypomania combined with ADD result in uber sensitivity to sound, so shrink says.) So the theory that I avoid  that which triggers me is crap. I keep trying, gotta get me an e for effort.

I did my time at the shop. Mrs R popped in and that made it more tolerable. Mostly I got to disassemble a couple of projection screen tvs with a hammer and follow R around like a puppy while he bounced from topic to topic. He did express gratitude for my friendship. (And the after I left, he texted to tell me I fucked two things up today and he was going to kick my ass.) Cripes. Ya think being off kilter with the meds might earn me some slack, especially from a long time friend. Ha. That’s about as feasible as my family being supportive and nice.

But alas, my servitude earned my cats nommy kibble so it was quid pro quo. I reiterate, they should worship me for what I am willing to put myself through just to feed their asses.

Since getting home, I put on jammies at 4pm, ate a breakfast scramble bowl for supper, and that’s about it. Tapped out doesn’t begin to cover it. I don’t think the problem is whether I can do dish dwelling. I think the price of doing it, especially more than in small stretches, is what makes me have the breakdowns. I can do, I just can’t maintain long term and it sets into motion the chain of dominoes that fall. My kid hasn’t stopped talking in hours, my brain feels like it’s been hit with Uzi fire. And I know, I complain a lot and probably give off this “I shouldn’t be a mom, I’m too grumpy and picky” vibe but…What the doctor said about sensitivity to noise makes sense. Even the music I love I have to play at a low  volume and it’s not because I’m too old, it just makes me come undone. And I guess that’s the big thing, person with my issues having an extroverted talkative child that never runs down leaves me in constant “melting down, must vent” mode. Not a day passes that I regret having Spook or am unaware how lucky I am to have her. But if the music I love sets me off, it makes sense any loud noise, especially incessant noise like hers, would make me crack up.

Now…I am going to work on getting her calmed down and put her to bed then I will contemplate whether to shower and fight the urge or just say I served my time today and deserve to batcave early. Not like I’ll get to sleep before 11 even if I do go to bed now. Again, that’s just anxiety and mania, and the doctor seems half offended I won’t take sleep meds. I should think he’d be bright enough to draw the conclusion, “If she really wasn’t trying, she’d want to sleep 10 to 12 hours a day.” Been there, done that, and it was unhealthier than not sleeping much. It’s so easy, when depressed, to get sucked into that vortex of sleep where you can hide and not think and not have to face the monsters that are mental illness. Too damn easy. I won’t go back to that place. And I can’t afford to because if I were as looped out on Trazadone and Seroquel as I used to be, my kid could murder me in my sleep, I’d never know, it’s like coma territory for me.

So…Pardon me for not having the shiny happy people thing going on but at least I tell the truth about how I am feeling, distorted, negative, manic, or what not. I shall leave on this note. ALL HAIL OUR LORD AND MASTER FOAMY.


6 Responses to “Boarding The Trileptal Train”

  1. I ride the Trileptal Train. I’m up to 1200 mgs a day-600 am 600 pm and the ONLY side effect I have his drunken dizziness for about an hour max. I’ve been taking it for 3(?) years I think. It helps with my “irritation and aggravation” Your psy doc is an asshole and quack and should be beaten for not listening to you. Fucker. I LOVE Foamy! I’m gonna worship him in the Kingdom of TubeYou!

  2. Doctors should PAY ATTENTION to symptoms reported on Latuda precisely because it’s a new drug and this is invaluable data. Of course since they bank from having you on such an expensive drug I can see why they would say it’s not the dammed drug. I am dying to see my psych ARNP (they’re fucking with me again) so I can start leaving this. I have never been so suicidal in my life. Not even all my depressive episodes combined have totaled the number of times I’ve thought of killing myself.

    But I’m at 60mg and don’t want to stop it cold turkey. I will wait. The last thing I need is to see unicorns and have them lock me up in the white padded room. Fuck that.

    I hope the new cocktail works.

    • I agree with Sass, your Dr’s a fuck face, good luck with the trileptal! From your track record, I see that you don’t fare well with lots of meds, but at least this isn’t brand spankin’ new & using us as human guinea pigs,,, so once again, good luck!

    • Can you not even get them on the phone to report side effects? Suicidal thoughts are commonly known with Latuda, even my doctor admitted that. If you can’t do that, just start tapering off. Even a drop ten mg might lessen the side effects and hold the unicorns at bay.
      I make no guarantees the pegacorns will stay away because well, they’re just awesome.
      Why is it med cocktails don’t come with little umbrellas and fruit flavoring so we could fool ourselves into thinking it’s yummy?
      (Ignore me, it’s 7 am, I’m not even awake yet.)

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