Inconvenience Store

11:05 am. I showred (for what it’s worth, I’m drenched in sweat again) and went into the dish. I anticipated the worst part would be Aldi for the place is always packed and lines are long and even when they’re not, there’s something disconcerting about the place…

Noooo. Panic disorder decided to throw me curveball today. I went to the gas station to get my first Dr Pepper in days,bought some beef jerky…There are maybe four customers milling about, two employees…And I go to swipe my card and suddenly all the beepy things go off indicated people need approval to pump gas. Like TEN of them all at once, incessant beep beep BEEEEEEEP. It was like knives in a  blender for me. My fight or flight instinct kicked in, I was just on overload and overwhelmed. People waiting behind me, more coming in, BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU ARE APPROVED TO PAY INSIDE BEEP BEEP BEEEP. And I’m just a customer who has to do little more  than swipe a card and enter a pin number…And I PETRIFIED. I can’t tell if my pin number went in right because all the other beeping covers the keypad entry tone. I wait, thinking, what if the card is rejected due to some glitch…It was ninety seconds of my life and yet it was grueling and terrifying and I fucking hate the petri dish.

I left, in tact,  but rattle to all hell. Didn’t want to waste gas and make a second trip for food so I forced myself to trudge onward. Aldi was blessedly not packed. Not empty, but no line and I got out fast. Got it all carried in. I am marinating in my own sweat and I’m not entirely sure if it’s perspiration sweat or sheer panic and fear sweat. Jebus. I can’t even manage a simple trip to a gas station without spazzing. It was too much.  I worked two months at a convenience store in the late 90’s and I curled up in my closet and cried every single day I had to go in to work there. It wasn’t a busy store, but it was…Overwhelming. Like having six jobs, one title, all by yourself. I never feared robbery, oddly Just the wide open space and all the light and noise and…God, I was glad when my old boss called me back to wait tables. On graveyard shift. Dead enough to handle, but able to make some tips too. (I lasted three months before I melted down on that one.)

I feel so ashamed and weak and stupid. Yet I know it’s no affect, not deliberate, “I’m gonna get myself worked up so I can write a post and get sympathy.” This is just my life. They want you to identify the triggers so you can be prepared. Ha. What do you do when everything is always changing, even long patterns of triggers? And yeah, at home, trying to go to sleep, the STOP sign method is good. In the thick of petri dish with everything so bright and loud and moving so fast…It’s ass trash. Maybe it works for a zillion others. Just not me mid panic. Of course, there is a huge difference between having a panic episode in your own bedroom and staring up at the stop sign picture you printed out, repeating the mantra. Out in the open…Like wearing a bulletproof vest made of tinfoil.

I’m done with the dish for today. I am so overwhelmed now I can’t stand sound, no music, no tv. My kid will eat me alive as she returns in the next couple of minutes. She’s been an ass all morning and I should give her some sort of consequences, but after six days…it’d be punishing myself more than her. GO PLAY OUTSIDE WITH YOUR LITTLE GREMLIN FRIENDS. (Seriously, there’s one, then like getting a mogwai wet, that one morphs into a popcorn bag full of ’em.)  I need to breathe. Have quiet. Get my equilibrium back.

Fuck. I used to think I was improving. Now I think I’m decompensating. Maybe the Latuda thing, maybe having a kid just finally sent me off the deep end. Whatever it is, I am going to reward myself today by reading a book and NOT obsessing over how disgusting the house looks.

Clown shoes.


One Response to “Inconvenience Store”

  1. i need a shower after my walk..and to do laundry..and tell Cute Neighbor Guy about my trip to Partial..and go get a salad for lunch..i’m too tired already…holy it 215?! ugh..can I go back to my box already?

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