Urgent Purge

It’s not an urgent purge because anything dire has happened. Except maybe the fact that irksome things have happened and yet…My mood is neither low nor high. I feel sane-ish. Level, even. Like my perception of things is more within the realm of proportion. This is holy grail territory. When everything is just as shitty as it’s been for the last umpeen weeks and yet today…Your Teflon coating has somehow reappeared and rather than sticking, everything is sliding off…

So, yeah urgent. That mind frame doesn’t tend to linger for long so you run with it while you can.

Last night…I actually jerry rigged the tent (and splintered one of the poles) just to get my kid to stop complaining. It was my hope, like ya know, winning the lottery or discovering that moldy bread in the cupboard is the secret cure to bipolar, that in her pink tent with her pink pillow and pink sleeping bag and her ice cream string lights and her leap pad…She might sleep in her own room the whole night.

That didn’t happen. Same as always, she lasted about three hours then was in my bed. Sighhhh. And she’s not even six yet so I don’t want to be making this big deal out of her climbing in my bed. Hell, my sister slept with my mom til she was 11 because neither of them could stand to be alone. Perhaps it’s that dysfunctional cycle I fear perpetuating that makes me so bent about Spook not sleeping the whole night in her own room. After three years, I think I have a bit of right to complain. I did all the crap the doctor told me to do to make her feel safe and encourage her to sleep on her own. There are times I think the term “doctor” is a synonym for “knows a little about a lot but knows a lot about little.”

I stayed up until after ten watching more Empire. (No, I will NOT feel dirty for that, my Morgueticians who shall remain nameless yet publicly admit watching DWTS!) Frankly, I am impressed with Empire. Fox has a shit track record for quality programming that lasts (They kill Firefly, Dark Angel, now The Following) but I think maybe this one will stick around. It’s a little nauseating how they’re basically celebrating “gangsta” culture, especially in a family where only the parents were ever street level and the kids have all been pampered diva boys. Still…Entertaining. I am soo rooting for the shunned gay son to take daddy’s empire down. He has all the true talent (hate rap, but love that smooth r and b stuff) and I despise homophobes so…

I get way too involved in shows. This morning I watched The Flash and for a season finale…It left a little to be desired. I dunno, maybe it was watching it at 7 a.m. and having to pause it so I could drop the spawn at school then returning…It wasn’t bad and of course, I can’t wait to tune in for next season…Just some of the prior episodes had a better cliff hanger.

Spawn woke me at 6:10 this morning. It was already light out and I bolted in panic, reaching for my phone to check the time (fearing I overslept.) Ha. I groaned and told her to go back to bed, we had a half hour. But by then she was wound for sound and my bladder demanded attention so…I was out of bed before 6:30 a.m. That’s depressing.

Fortunately, I live in the trailer hood and we had our entertainment right next door at that time. The cops were talking to the neighbor ladies while this dude was screaming and cussing about her having a boyfriend and where was his wallet. I only heard bits and pieces, but my nosy kid’s window is right next to them so she filled me in. “That boy whose underpants are showing from his pants spit on that girl and that cop says he has to leave but he says the woman stole his wallet…”

This woman has the cops there two, three times a month, always because of this same guy who apparently wears a belt but his underpants still upstage his jeans. (WTF is that?) Kick his ass to the curb and move the fuck along already.  Prior to her living there was a guy who got arrested for knocking up a 14 year old girl. Before those winners there was a guy I used to work with and he was on the sex offender registry for molesting his niece. I actually consider this side of the trailer park the good side. The other side is where all the convicted burglars, meth makers, and drug dealers live. I don’t even go on that side, not in car or on foot. Once you’ve seen toilet paper floating in the street along with raw sewage from someone’s trailer…NOPE. I’m not classy but geesh, I ain’t that trashy, either.

I suppose I’m not giving a ringing endorsement for how fit it is for a kid to live here. But hey, I can’t be held responsible for the landlord’s slumminess nor his taste in renters. I’ve been here six years and I don’t cause anyone any shit. I mind my own business and I shield my kid, as much as possible, from the seediness around. Frankly, aside from the lady with the weekly cop visits (and only because her front door is right outside my window) I wouldn’t know a thing about my “neighbors”. Only reason I know is because my father can’t wait to call me daily with reports on which of my neighbors ended up in police beat for what crime. Thanks, dad, it’s comforting. But trailer parks aren’t a sign of being a criminal or a druggie or a bad person. For some of us, with bad credit, low incomes, shoddy renter’s history…This is the only game in town for us. So my neighbors are less than sterling silver human beings.  Not my business unless they bring it to my doorstep.

Besides…the street mom and sis live on (where Spook’s kindergarten is) has had two fatal shootings in the last year. I don’t think seedy trailer park trumps three blocks of police tape roped off street with ten cop cars walking about when dropping your child off at school.

Oh, I am prattling again and ya know what? I’m not sorry. It’s lovely. I’m not feeling all Hulk SMASH today. I guess that Latuda really was fucking me up. Not that the doctor will  buy it. They never do. And frankly, having watched and read several things about the pharma industry and their kickbacks for docs prescribing their “new med of the week”…I am more convinced now that my shrink is getting Latuda reward points or some shit because he didn’t warn me of ANY side effects other than causing sleepiness and weight gain. To be handed a three page print out from the pharmacist, to read horror stories from others who have taken it…My faith in doctors needs a splint, it’s so broken.

So thus far today I have…Watched The Flash, taken the spawn to school, and gotten my lip clawed open by a cat who wanted me to pick her up then swatted me for my troubles. Yayyy. I’ve done nothing, I have nothing to say, and yet I feel so lucid, I want to say nothing and lots of it because even as I’m saying ‘this is shitty” I’m not feeling shitty or mad or well, anything. Just lucid. Unicorns are real!!!! (Still have some brain zappy numb tingly finger withdrawal thing going on, but the fact my mind is clearing without the Latuda…HELLO, doctor???)

And while I should probably not even give this any notice…I am going to, because it truly indicates how everything depends on frame of mind.

Last night at 9pm, after 5 days without so much as a “you alive” R sent a text that said “WOW!” And it was Tuesday and he’d just watched Flash so I knew what he was on about. Still…Five days, not so much as a reply to the text I sent…I texted back: “In the five days since you last sent or replied to a text, Niki was attacked by honey badgers and died.” I was expecting a call where he’d do his manipulation thing. Ya know, make me feel shitty for “misinterpreting” his shitty behavior. Instead he sent back the text, “Damn those honey badgers.” ha ha ha ha. Idget.

THEN as I was finally drifting off, another text came in. And I ignored it. Fuck him. When I read it this morning, it was little more than a quote he likes from Guardians of the Galaxy. Sent at nearly 11 p.m. !!!! What the actual fuck is wrong with this man? Is he that wasted? I fail to reply to his call or text once, he berates me. He blows me off for 5 days and it’s cool. I know it’s pointless, the man hasn’t changed a bit, and never will, because narcissists simply don’t have a clue there’s anything wrong with them.

But I cling to a tether of hope that deep down, like maybe inside his bone marrow’s marrow, beats the heart of a human. That and I like the perks of having someone buy me smokes and booze from time to time. I’m shallow. The entire point is, he doesn’t play fair. He  can ignore me 5 days, but if I miss one phone call from him, he’s  yelling at me for treating him like shit and using him. PLAY FAIR. My expectations are not unrealistic. His are.

Oddly I have zero inclination to go scoop out his heart with a spork. I feel almost giddily blank…Like I am watching things going on around me but I’m not involved or feeling it. It’s pretty pleasant compared to the last ten days of wanting to puree someone’s spleen and pour it down their own gullet.

Back to Empire. I may do some housework eventually. I may shower eventually. I may do fuck all. But it’s all good because I’m not violently angry now and my skin is NOT crawling off my bones.

“Milder” side effects my ass, Latarda.



12 Responses to “Urgent Purge”

  1. I managed a shower AND to shave my pits. The rest was too much to think about-but I Fucking did it. I think the Latarda has effected-or is it affected?-me badly…psychosis, anyone?

    • Wow, we are on the same page. Your comment inspired me to reach deep within my blankness and shower and shove pits and legs. Now I’m gonna pass out from the sheer exhaustion of lifting the razor and using shaving cream.
      Fried onion rings and pixie dust for everyone! As long as someone else cooks, procures, and delivers. Oh isporkacorn…..

      • I’m just reading this…went and chatted with Cute Neighbor Guy. He’s saw me pretty bad yesterday, thought I could redeem myself with my freshly laundered self. I win! Now I’m exhausted.
        Dad my fajitas, but I fetched and cleaned up. Fair is fair. Need some pixie dust..even my isporkacorn soldier is pooped.
        How do you shove pits?? Hehehe 😉


    Sorry had squeeeee moment.

    I want to give you a gold spork trophy for handling all this mess. I had to share a room with my mom until I was 18. I always DREAMED of having my own space so I can’t understand wanting to sleep with my mom thing, but usually kids have a reason for this. One of my brothers had nightmares. He wouldn’t have them when he slept with mom. He confessed this as an adult. Some kids are just spoiled. Not because you didn’t teach them better but because they just are. Sorry things are going so rough with Spook. 😦

    • And I’m sorry my personal experience with Latuda was negative thus spewing all my venom and glad yours has been positive. Thank the sacred pegacorn we have medication options rather than one size fits all.

      On Wed, May 13, 2015 at 4:54 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Actually I don’t think Latuda works for me either — I’m just trying to give all the dosages a chance. I’ve never felt more crazy and out of control or been manic as much as I have been on Latuda. If I’m honest I wanted the weight I was supposed to gain but even pills won’t fatten me. If at 80mg I don’t feel less manic I’m going to have a serious talk with my shrink.

      • Are you on a mood stabilizer, if may be nosey?

      • I’m not. The options for those terrify me. We discussed adding one after I’m on the right dose of Latuda but so far I’m on that, an antidepressant, and the anti panicky frackity pill.

      • Mood stabilizers changed my life. But they are laden with side effects (Lithium was awful yet so successful.) Anti psychotics and anti depressants alone do not stabilize, they can, in fact, spark mania. I learned that from ten years of misdiagnosis and being given only anti depressants and anti psychotics. I got worse rather than better.
        Lamictal has been my savior as far as the mood stabilizing. I trip down a couple of steps instead of a staircase now, big improvement. Few side effects for me, too, which is a huge factor in my case.
        Just don’t let yourself get bullied into a med routine that not only doesn’t work but makes it worse either with depressions or mania or mixed episodes. They’re pushing these cross labeled anti psychotics something fierce and one has yet to do any good for me.
        Remember to stand up for yourself. And if need be, I think I can round up a pegacorn posse and some metal sporks to be your backup with the mental healthcare mafia 😉

      • I can’t take lithium because of my kidneys. They wanted me on that in 2008 and that was my ticket into the cave. If I’m honest I prefer not taking medications but I have to while fighting for disability. They actually mentioned Lamictal which is probably what they’ll try to start me on in a couple of months. Willing to give it a try since I’ve heard from others that it doesn’t have as many side effects as other drugs.

        Thanks a lot for the reminder. It can be easy to get sucked into taking all the stuff. I’m supposed to be on 3x daily Klonopin but I’m taking just half at night.

  3. With you lady, when the rare spell of that magic kicks in, play to the bone
    Makes the inevitable fall off the cliff easier to handle!

    • Play it to the bone…I like that. Worst part is, you have one good day people assume you’re all cured so when you do fall off the cliff…They’re all confused.
      Doubt anyone could be more confused by it than we are.

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