Spork Shortage

(I know there have gotta be some people looking perplexed and asking “wtf is her deal with sporks”.)

Let’s just say I am running on about eight sporks today. That shindig for my kid’s reading night was sensory overload to the nth. My kid, normally scared of nothing, spent the time whimpering and cowering while the guy did science experiments then she got mad that he didn’t pick her to assist. Just like, I’m burning up, there are kids kicking me in the ass, I think that mom over there is glaring at me and I can’t breathe so GET ON WITH IT. I’ll admit watching him blow shit up and flash freeze shit in dry ice was pretty wicked. Not because I’m a pyro or anything. Just…Okay, maybe a little pyro but I’m a Beavis and Butthead alum…Fire fire! (At one point, the guy asked the kids “do you know what corrosive means?” and all I could think was, my personality…) I didn’t let my kid down but I am going to be paying for that hour of multi spork useage for days to come.

Then came the really fun part. R’s visit. No “How ya doing”. Oh, no. Just “Open my email, get me this, get a pen, make a list of this and that…” And then my kid yapping the entire time, pissing him off, because ya know, he’s far more important than anyone else and his busted shit should definitely take precedence over my child. I even sneered “So sorry me having a child inconveniences you.” Not that he caught it. Then he said, let’s have a smoke break…So I put the pen and paper down and then he just keeps prattling on and getting mad because I’m not keeping up.

There are times I swear the man is cracking up. And I don’t mean mental illness cracking up, I mean, he’s just deluded himself for so long he has no grasp of what an irritant he is. Frankly, I think it’s running his own business. He spent so many years working for others and now it’s do or die time and one day of things going wrong sends him into a tail spin. A month of it and he’s circling the drain.

It sounds awful but I was glad when he left. I get so sick of hearing about busted shit. And I told him as much. And then when he went on about how he helps me, I totally went off and said, “Yeah, sure, you buy me a pack of cigarettes but the minute I’m crying and wanting to die, you throw me out of your house cos I make you uncomfortable with all my emotions and moods!”

Think that one landed like a slap. Good. Not like he’ll remember it, he was on beer five by then I think. (Ya know, tall boys, not small cans.)

I was further glad that I didn’t have to watch The Flash with him. God, that’s a miserable feat, watching tv with him.  Because even them he talks about busted shit. Workaholics need to be slapped with a fish. Turn your fucking brain off for a bit, or at least turn your mouth off. It’s gotten to the point where being around R is like being around my dad. Money, broken stuff, work work work, money blah blah. There’s talking about your work, loving what you do, and then there is boring everyone to death with redundancy. I think I am just going to start randomly bringing up mental health subjects and drive them into the ground.

Like any of these assholes would draw a parallel.

So…I’m definitely down to six sporks now. It wasn;t even 7:57 a.m. and I passed R on my way back from getting spawn to school…And he’s texting, telling me I’m going the wrong way, he needs his list from last night. OMFG. Corrosive. He’s corroding my sanity, which does not need help being corroded.

I responded with one of my stepmonster’s favorite retorts when dad is being as nag: “You’re not a diaper so get off my ass.”

Elegant, no. Makes the fucking point, yes.

Now what to do with all six of my lovely sporks that have to last me for the next 14 hours..

I’m screwed.


4 Responses to “Spork Shortage”

  1. I’m down to 8. Let’s combine them and work together today. R gets on my nerves just from what you post. I’m getting irritated for you. What stops corrosion? Let’s flash freeze ourselves in dry ice and liquid nitrogen.

  2. Smoked spork lasts longer.

  3. I have plenty of sporks because for one of the few times in my life I feel ok. Not depressed and not hypo-manic. Sporks to spare.

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