Is She posting Again FFS? Death brings perspective

I wouldn’t be posting yet again because I know flood posts can be irksome…But it was not a run of the mill night.
I was absorbed watching The Flash when R called to ask me to come “hold his hand” at the shop tomorrow. Then he asked if I’d mind some company watching the rest of the show. Hey, my kid’s asleep, I have four sporks left, why not…
Unfortunately, despite of his “I won’t do that, I promise…” The show was paused four times.
Then…
His phone blew up. All three of his kids called to tell him their uncle, aka R’s best friend, had been killed. I’ve never seen R fall apart so completely, so quickly. And I understood because B (the deceased) went up against his own sister in court declaring her unfit so R should get full custody. That did not make B popular with his family but it was the right thing to do.
And his wife, L, gave me a job working daycare. (Although R was quick to point out “she gave you a chance because no one else would.” Gee, thanks. Couldn’t be that she watched me interact with his kids for two years and saw how good I was with them.
Okay, that’s petty but geesh, some stuff stings no matter how true it is.
Neither here nor there.
I knew this man. Not as well as R and he is the kids’ uncle…But he was at the shop a few weeks back, in good spirits…
And now, at 54, he’s dead.
He went to help a neighbor cut down some trees and apparently, the saw sent a limb flying so hard and fast it hit B in the neck, basically killing instantly. And his wife was right there to see it happen, to see he was gone and nothing could be done to save him.
What the actual fuck. You go to help someone out of kindness and you get dead? This is the God everyone subscribes to, because there’s some master plan, some reason for taking away decent people yet letting absolute shit stay alive…
It’s less faith and more logic.
I know some people who are just plain shitty and useless but they live on and on and on…(And sometimes, I feel like one of them, not because I am a bad person but because my best efforts never help me get better and become more than this.)

I’ve never seen R cry like that. Fall apart like that. The man is…for the most part, dead inside. Just emotionally…short circuited.
He wasn’t tonight. Especially as he fielded calls from all three of his daughters, then he called the widow to commiserate…
It was sad. It made me think, why the hell am I bitching? I’m still here.
Things can change on a dime, though.
I could step outside tomorrow and catch a bullet from one of my volatile “drank too much and got too high” neighbors.
No one can know.
And while I wasn’t really close to B (just his wife, when I worked for her)…He was fair to me even though I was essentially replacing his sister in his nieces’ lives…I didn’t dislike the man.
R kept going about how B was a saint, and I think that’s grief inflating someone a bit more than is reality…
But to my credit, I dug down deep and found the social skill (albeit sooooo uncomfortable) and empathy to be a comforting, supportive friend.

I’m not a monster, just because I have mood swings, have my scars, and feel disconnected from other people. It’s far more complicated than simply being “bad.”
I was griefstricken over the death of my kitten Yoda even though she lived only three weeks and had zero chance with that particular birth defect.
I’m not heartless. I am actually quite mushy.

Still…Selfishly…I am down to two sporks. It’s midnight so I can simply slither off to bed but…I just keep thinking about B and his wife and their kids (I used to go to movies with their middle daughter and play ball with their youngest) and I just…my heart goes out to them, no matter how hollow and pointless it is.

WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED WHEN THE BOTTOM LINE IS, I AM ALIVE AND YET SOMEONE MORE FUNCTIONAL THAN ME WITH MORE PEOPLE WHO CARE IS GONE????

It’s sadness, grief, and my own depression talking, of course. I am not important enough to be held accountable for those cruel twists of fate that lead to things like this.
I do wonder, often, why so many have died when they had so much to live for when I just keep hanging on yet making no progress that sticks…
It’s not fair.
I wanna think the fates are trying to tell me I have a purpose to serve and that’s why I am still here.
It’s…so fucked up.

Needless to say, I have to open the shop in the morning so R and his kids can grieve so I should probably make an effort to sleep. I am so sad and anxious I don’t know how easily sleep will come. Then I feel like a selfish bitchbeast because, dear god, how is the man’s wife and children feeling? They’re adults but still, he’s their dad and he’s gone.
Just…why.

It doesn’t cure my depression but it does make me want to lay claim and gratitude for all that I have rather than obsess over what I don’t have. Nothing like the death of someone else to make you realize just how lucky you are to still be breathing. Reminds me of a line from Sixx A.M.’s “Life Is Beautiful.”
“You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive.”

No matter how much scumbag brain tells me all is lost…
I’m still drawing breath so it ain’t over yet.
Too bad it’s hard to remember that in the throes of mental illness and its distortions.

I just…
What a tragedy. To be killed so cruelly simply by doing a friend for a neighbor…
This is why my faith wavers.
There’s good and bad, hand in hand.
And then there’s just WTF is the point of this exercise in cruelty?

I didn’t see this coming anymore than any of the family did. It’s almost…unrealistic and unable to be believed. Yet it’s real, his wife witnessed it.
That poor woman, living with those images for the rest of her life…

My mental illness isn’t going to be cured by this tragedy but…
It sure as hell does put things into perspective provided your mind is lucid enough to grasp it.

I think sadness is universal,not exclusive to fucked up brain chemistry. It’s sad when someone dies.

As it should be.

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3 Responses to “Is She posting Again FFS? Death brings perspective”

  1. It is very surreal when someone you know is suddenly, unexpectedly killed. Hard for even the most mentally healthy person to deal with.

  2. This is just insane. The way he died. It reminds me so much of someone in my life who was also an unexpected death. Sending strength your way.

  3. I feel so sorry for all involved. What a crazy trajedy.

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