Sleep is apparently for sissies

Yesss. I am awake at 2 a.m.
I was also awake at ten p.m., 12 a.m. 1 a.m.
I ran out of sporks around eight pm after my child succeeded in sucking the life out of me. I curled up in bed, fully expecting to get warm, take a breather…And next I know I was asleep.
Obviously I didn’t stay that way.
My 12 a.m. wake up call was Voodoo clawing my chest and headbutting me to let me know the dishes needed filled. Persistent little fuck he is, I relented and got up to tend to the royal felines.
I went back to bed. Juju is in heat so she decided to come make love to me with her butt in my face.
Then Willow aka psycho hose beast hissed Juju away and promptly laid across my throat so I couldn’t breathe.
My kid, as usual, stowed away in my bed at some point and she’s snoring like a lumberjack. It was like, fuck this, I am getting up.

So 2:13 a.m. The day hasn’t even begun and I am already using my allotment of sporks for the day.
Fuck. Feck. Clown shoes.
On the plus side, I wasn’t too cold to get up and stay out from under the covers. On the sucky side, IT’S TWO A.M. AND I HAVE ALREADY STARTED ON MY SPORK ALLOWANCE, FFS.

I’m sure I will go back to sleep. And as usual, it will be after hours of tossing, turning, nearly nodding off, jolting up in terror, being too panicked to breathe and calm down, and then I will be out…Ten minutes before the alarm goes off.
This is my life.
I love the way the doctor makes appropriate sounds and yet seems to have this “oh well” attitude about how exhausted this disrupted sleep makes me constantly. He’s realistic like me, because I can’t take the sleep meds without being comatose or awful hangovers which hinder my ability to care for my child, so it’s lose lose. Still…Little acknowledgement of why lack of rest to the brain might increase one’s instability would be nice.

I am viewing Friday’s start of Latuda with growing wariness. And it’s not necessarily that others have had bad side effects so much as it is…knowing I do not respond well at all to these newer fangled meds. Abilify and Lexapro are supposed to be the wunderkind of psych meds and they both about put me in a rubber room with the side effects. And considering Dr. B’s obvious lack of faith in the newer meds, it was surprising he’d even latch onto the Latuda thing. He’s either getting kickbacks from pharma or he’s just got a lot of patients doing well on this one drug.
Oh, hell, it can’t be any worse than when I took Tofranil and it caused all my muscles to lock up in some sort of semi lethal side effect. Or the infamous Nardil incident which gave me brain damage.
I will try Latuda and I will give it two weeks. Max. If it’s got intolerable side effects, I will be calling the office to rant. If the side effects aren’t horrendous, I will give it the full month. But when something doesn’t work for me or the trade off of benefit v side effects is too much…I am definitely assertive and won’t suffer fools. I mean, I left a shrink because he wouldn’t prescribe anything but Zoloft which made me suicidal. They may have the fancy degrees but um, I’m the one shoveling the poison pills down my gullet.

I think I may be calming down. I’m getting a headache from the lamp and it’s on its lowest setting. I don’t know why I am so sensitive to sound and light. Part of my “introverted” personality? Or is it legitimately because these things affect me negatively in physical ways?
If you had self doubts to begin with, seek treatment for mental illness. It will rob you of your self esteem faster than anything.

I think I want a piece of meatloaf.
Too bad I can’t train one of the cats to nuke stuff and bring it to me.
Oh, lazy doesn’t begin to cover it.
If I can get back to sleep by four a.m., I will still get three hours of sleep (interrupted, no doubt) and maybe that will recharge the two sporks already stolen by all this sleep and wake shit.
I’m a dreamer.
Or I would be if I could fecking stay asleep.


5 Responses to “Sleep is apparently for sissies”

  1. imptiness Says:

    Hey, we are in sync again, without even trying this time!

  2. Wow, you’re having all the nocturnal fun, leave some for the resr of us … erm no, what I mean is, fuckit. And the spork it rode in on. Xox

  3. It’s kind of weird to like something that is making you miserable, but you know it’s meant as a “I hear you”, right?

    • My friend Bex used to say that when people would click the like button on her major depressive episode posts. And I still feel bizarre clicking like if someone’s having a bad day and venting about it. But I think we all get the gist of “like” towards blogging means “I hear you.”

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