Pre shrink jitters

Last night was…bizarre. I made it through the day, by the skin of my teeth, because it was a sunny day and that brought everyone and their dog’s cousin outside. Motorcycles, gangs of roving children, bickering adults, domestic disputes louder than usual next door…Grr, it was hell on my nerves. So I had a blah mood and I did shower, get my yard mowed and some weeds plucked but…The noise…It was too much. I read. I couldn’t even watch a movie or anything, the noise was so bad. I let my kid play outside, next thing I know, there are six shrieking kids on the swingset. It’s weird because when I was manic, it didn’t bother me as much, I invited the pitter patter of more tiny feet. When depressed and on anxiety’s edge…
Ugh, I wanna crawl in the closet and cover my ears. Mature, yes. Reality ain’t pretty sometimes.
On the plus side…I finished my second book since Friday. On the bad side, I was so worn out by 7 pm, I retired to my bedroom where I played word games with my kid for an hour, put her to bed, and climbed under the covers. I thought I’d rest, I just need some calm and quiet. Unfortunately, I kept starting to doze off, jolting up, and then nodding off. Then waking up. I woke up so many times,it was maddening. It was too cold to get up. I only had one blanket on my bed because the cats horked up on the others (never change cat foods, it’s just bad juju.)
It was a rough night.
Then the usual Monday routine with my kid screeching she’s still tired, pick my clothes out for me, so I do, and she shrieks that it’s not good enough for her fashion…I was relieved to drop her off at school. Of course, with that relief comes the realization that in three or so weeks, she’s all mine day in day out for three whole months.
She’s going to eat my depressive anxiety ridden soul.

Today is shrink day. Second appt, first since he lowered the prozac and added the focalin. What do I say to him? The focalin has made a big difference (seriously, I read 900 pages in two days when it took me six months last year to read two hundred pages, drastic improvement but…The anxiety and depression aren’t getting much better. And I can even buy that the anxiety is just…it’s like a limb, it’s always there and some days it hurts and some days it aches and somedays it’s KILL ME NOW, THIS IS EXCRUTIATING. All the outside triggers of noise and stimuli…
Fine, let’s focus on the depression.
Of course, now I am all hopped up on “he’s studying me, he knows I had a good mood back in January so he thinks I am a malingerer making it all up and he’s going to put a note in the file that says I am a faker and uncooperative…”
I wish I could blame this fear of doctors on my mental stuff. But I’ve been this way since I was 12 years old. Doctors freak me out.
So…I wait. And ponder. And try to come up with appropriate responses which is completely whack because I am faking nothing and my honesty should be enough.
I’m surviving.
That’s not the same as enjoying life.
And yeah, I know, the pursuit of happiness is all we’re entitled to, but at this point…Even my pursuit function is broken.
The biggest problem is the younger docs are all sold on the new cross labeled anti psychotics for bipolar and the newer anti depressants and aside from Cymbalta, I have had nothing but shit luck with their so called wonder drugs. And the Cymbalta made me manic. Reporting side effects, though, makes you feel shitty because they make it seem like it’s your fault for not being strong enough to handle it.
Clown shoed.

I need to eat. But the meds made me queasy and food will help but food will also make me gag.
I need to sleep through the night again instead of in ninety minute increments for a grand total of four hours a night. But I cannot be zonked out in a coma with a kid on the loose so the meds are useless.
I am just going to tell it like it is. And in the interest of being fair and open to his thoughts, I am going to ask if he has any ideas of the next step in my treatment. They push the therapy thing and well…It’s a great idea but considering the only place my insurance covers traumatized me and just hired R’s further traumatizing daughter…I’m lost.
It’s not that I am unwilling. I am traumatized. Give me someone I can trust and work with, I’m good.
Except that’s kind of a lie, too. I think going in and venting is good. I also think all these different diagnoses based on a counselor’s experience and bias just confuse me further and make it all worse. “You mean, I’ve spent fifteen years working on X personality disorder and you’ve known me forty minutes and think I have Y disorder so all my work has been in vain?”
How is that not going to fuck your head up?
And it’s not that I am in denial and afraid of being told something about myself I don’t want to know. In fact, when I found the good shrink and she changed my dysthymic (12 years) diagnosis to bipolar and introduced mood stabilizers…It was a good deviation and it worked and I am eternally grateful to her. But she also took the time to form an opinion based on talking to me for more than 40 minutes.

Blast it all. I’d be so happy if I never had to see another shrink, take another pill, and or even deal with mental illness again.
I want my life back.
What life I ever had, anyway. Maybe I never did learn to live life because of the rapid cycling and depressions.

I dunno.

On an end note, I’d like to thank everyone for their kind comments and reblogs on yesterday’s post. All we have are our own voices and words, so thanks for helping put it out there.

3 Responses to “Pre shrink jitters”

  1. Ugh!! Best of luck!! I have an appointment tomorrow with a new (to me) psychotherapist, thank God she trained for her licensure under my previous therapist Pam, who will see me but is too far (who I love & trust her recommendation) Even though she seems very nice & capable ~ i’m EXTREMELY & terribly ANXIOUS!! So I’ll definitely be rooting for ya!! Hugs & again GREAT luck! (Take your jump rope with you for while you’re waiting)

    • Have the Drano and Comet ready and waiting ! Or Jager in case it goes well, ha ha.

      On Mon, Apr 27, 2015 at 8:48 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Hahaha! If we lived closer to each other, we could do the Jäger, show up together double dutch with the jump ropes (actually I can’t) & see what they do,,, my guess ~ wed be wearing hug myself jackets?? 🙂

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