From Out Of Nowhere: Panxiety Attack

In the last hour or so, my anxiety level has climbed up. For no reason. Now it has morphed into that “cloud overhead” panxiety. The fragile space where I feel unsafe and I don’t know why. My phone rang and I’ve ignored it. Unless it’s the school calling about my kid, I cannot take on dealing with mundanes right now.
I feel vulnerable. Fragile. Almost trembling to the bone marrow.
I don’t like when I get hit with these “attacks”, although it’s more like this gauzy film of paranoid anxiety wrapped around my entire being.
It’s disconcerting. It defies logic.
Mental illness defies logic. Action/reaction.
But so often, there are no triggers for me. It’s just very random. The moods and anxiety are like ninjas sneaking up on me.
It’s making my stomach churn.
I try to distract myself. “Don’t focus on it, ignore it. You’re feeding it by acknowledging it.”
To no avail.
It’s still there and it’s like having a bag tied around my head. I can’t breathe. I’m actually scared to breathe. Not as in not taking a breath, but this looming sense that even a simple thing like taking a deep breath and letting it out will cause the world to implode.
I know it’s not rational.
Unfortunately, the flood of whatever brain chemicals cause this don’t give a fuck about rationality.
Is it just my personality? Am I so fucked up I have the mental ability to make myself have physical responses to stress?
No. Because the same stressers that happen when I am manic don’t even phase me.
Personality does not change at the drop of a hat.
Mood shifts do.
Anxieties flow freely, especially after a week of overwhelming stimuli. I am on overload and this is my mind and body’s way of telling me I need to step back. Pushing myself is only going to make it worse.
Not to mention, it’s very difficult to be around people when your brain is sending you a flood of “fight or flight, everyone is out to get me” messages.

I am home alone. Broad daylight. No one here. No triggers.
And I am freaking out.

How fucked up is that.

3 Responses to “From Out Of Nowhere: Panxiety Attack”

  1. Ugh,,, I HATE that ~ I’ve been plagued by that recently nonstop! I’d much rather be attacked by a band of stealth ninja hamsters! Just kidding, my way of dealing! I hope you feel more relaxed ASAP?

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