The Warp Speed of Life

I’ve been awake less than two hours after a night of being up six or seven times for no good reason.
Thus far I have had four panic attacks and a near meltdown.
Because my five year old is a backseat driver and even if another car is a half mile off, she starts shrieking MOMMY WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING THEY’RE GOING TO HIT US!
This is not good for panic disorder.
In fact, in the eight minutes it took me to drive her to school, she did something similar six times. And I had to say, “Enough, you’re going to cause me to wreck!”
And she kept yapping.
Once she was out of the car I promptly headed back home. Except the sun is blinding and road construction thickened traffic on my usual route and people are morons and…I had another two panic episodes in the right minutes it took to get home.
It’s just like, the world moves at warp speed and my brain only functions in slo mo.
I can never catch up. I am perpetually overwhelmed. The overload of stimuli is terrifying. And no amount of self pep talks, self bullying, or any other cognitive bullshit therapy (that’s what CBT stands for, ya know) fixes it.
Day in, day out. This is my life when I leave my bubble.

So even though I have the next five hours to myself, beholden to nothing but housework (which magic 8 ball says will probably be ignored again)…I already feel like life’s kicked my ass right out of the gate.
Positive attitude means fuck all when days start out like this.
It’s like running a race but everyone’s got two miles on you and you know you will never catch up.

Ugh. Fucking chirping birds. “This is my branch. It is not your branch.”
Blinding sunshine.
Cool spring air.
All of it mocking my depressive cloud like a school yard full of feral children with their snarkly little sing song taunts.
“I’m happy and normal, you’re not.”
“Life is beautiful, you suck.”
“Get over yourself, you loser.”
Makes me want to take a baseball bat to some branches and my own brain.

I am getting overwhelmed again. Not that I’m ever not overwhelmed but it’s getting worse. The Focalin was wondermous for two weeks now…Maybe a dose increase? I’m right back to being scattered and rambling.
Though I wonder if the anti depressant were actually working if it would be this bad.
I know one lie about all these anti depressants, at least as it applies to me: NONE have ever lessened my anxiety, social, general, or panic. None of them have given me more confidence or made me truly giddy.
Which leads me to believe those it helps with those things aren’t really suffering a catastrophic mental illness.
I’ve been on so many SSRI’s I should be the fucking posterchild for self confidence and calmness, if they truly worked as they claim they do, for serious illness.

I’ve been watching United States Of Tara, about a married mom of two with DID (formerly known as multiple personality disorder.) And I won’t go so far as to say it’s funny because being traumatized to the point of splitting into multiple protective identities is just tragic…But the writers handle the scrips pretty even handedly. And the family dynamic, even though her illness affects the kids, there’s still a lot of *dysfunctional* love there. Watching Tara try to cop sans meds because the side effects made her feel dead inside…Then seeing her fall apart, go back on meds, then the alters keep appearing after a stable period…
It’s very realistically written and portrayed. I am no expert on DID as its about one of the only mental illnesses I don’t have but I think this show got it right. I think the actors got it right, too. The anguish Tara feels is palpable, even as new alters emerge to help her cope with what her mind is protecting her from.
And I love the way she’s willing to look for answers, to figure out what happened to bring about the DID.
It’s just the rare example of Hollywood actually portraying mental illness with some factuality and compassion.
Yes, I know it’s fiction.
But it’s based on an actual illness and one I didn’t even particularly understand. So I watch this, I seek out knowledge, and I learn more about the topic.
And they say TV rots your brain. I’ve learned more from TV than I ever learned at school.

God, I am so frustrated. I was, for awhile, writing shorter more coherent posts and now I am right back to clusterfuck city. And the more life moves at warp speed around me with no chance for me to catch up…The worse it gets.
And I don’t get the one size fits all mentality of adulthood.
In school, if you learned more slowly than others or had some sort of learning disability, they would take it into consideration, give you more help, lighter class loads, easier work. They recognized individuality.
As an adult, you either keep up or you’re a fuck up, never mind what hindrances you are facing.
I was never coddled but I can admit I was never truly prepared for just how much of a rat race life is.
I’ve run that fucking maze for 42 years now and have yet to find that elusive cheese. Probably because I managed to wander off into a totally different maze where there never was any cheese. It’s an apt metaphor for my life. I am always on the outside, looking in, never quite able to catch up with everyone else.
No self pity, just the realization that no matter how much life brainwashes you into thinking you’re a failure if you can’t keep up with the status quo..Sometimes, you just can’t. Nothing to do with intelligence, laziness, weakness…

So I yearn to keep up yet accept that it’s not likely to happen. I still run the race every time I get up, face my responsibilities, go out the door.
And it’s not like I am even bothered half the time that I don’t keep up with the rest as long as I am in my bubble.
Stepping outside the bubble, seeing how everyone else’s life has changed for the better, how fast paced they live…And being reminded you’re a “slacker” for not keeping up…
That’s when it’s the worst.
It takes a lot of time and work to learn to accept your limitations, keep pushing ahead, and not to give up when reminded you don’t measure up.
Having the added pressure of others’ high expectations just crushes me, not because I define myself based on their opinion…
But because this semi functional dysfunctional depressive high strung misery ball is never what I wanted to be.
I failed myself by not becoming the person I envisioned and wanted to be.

But must like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle missing pieces…I can’t manufacture what isn’t there. I’m not exactly like others. I was born with some missing pieces and lost more of them along the way. My puzzle will never be complete.
My goal is to do as much of it as I can and use my imagination to fill in the picture that should be there.

Something tells me it’s going to be a pegacorn.
Or a spork.
A pegacorn with a spork.
Meh, sometimes, non sensical pseudo humor is all I’ve got.

7 Responses to “The Warp Speed of Life”

  1. What about sporkacorns?

  2. I just had to get the stupid vegetarian model…

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