I’m driving me Crazy (Long nonsensical rant)

Things I Did Right Yesterday:
Got my kid dressed, fed, and off to school.
Picked my kid up from school.
Took a shower (after 3 or 4 days).
Cooked a decent meal for supper.
Finished reading one book, went to the library and got more, and read 55 more pages. Which is not as easy as one might think with a child saying “Mommy” every ten seconds.

Things I did Not Do at all yesterday:
cat boxes

And Things I forced myself to do but did not really excel at:
Errands (It was like every step was walking uphill in molasses, which after two solid days not leaving the house, one would think getting out would be a relief.)
Not getting irritated with my yapping tantrum throwing child. She’s taken to screaming at me for no reason and she’s been grounded for almost a week now and still can’t correlate her behavior needs to change for her to get ungrounded. I am trying very hard to be calm, to talk in a firm but regulated tone, to not overreact to childhood staples…It’s exhausting. Mostly I want to go hide in the closet.
Socializing. R came over and we watched a movie. It wasn’t something I really wanted to do, I’d much rather have kept reading my book. But he’s having a tough time and while he sure as hell does not deserve my empathy, it’s who I am. I can’t let people who behave like jerks turn me into one. And that’s a challenge. (But hey, he did redeem himself after I confronted him about all the work I did on that laptop last week and he blew it off. He brought me a pack of smokes and Mangoritas. Can that be considered income?)
Socializing is hellish for me. Unless I am manic or drunk, every minute just seems endless. I sit and clockwatch and wonder, is it time for them to leave yet. Then there are times when after a drink or two the stick is removed from my ass and I get sad when it’s time for them to leave.
I literally cannot find a happy medium.
While it could be failing to regulate my emotions (the counselors are insane if they think this is even remotely possible with bipolar, the entire definition of that is lack of regulation) but mostly I think it’s my ever changing moods, anxieties, and mind frame. I know when I am in a bad state and being around others will result in nothing good. So I self isolate to “protect” others from me. And it’s sad I feel I have to protect people because I’m the one who’s ill and if it were physical illness, people would be flocking to protect, support, and aid me. It’s just so much ass trash how mental illness is handled like some imaginary friend. I have to take care of myself, manage the illnesses, and tend to those around me who find me so taxing. Try living with it, bitches.
I am driving me crazy.

It does not help that for the last two years, my status quo has been altered. Due to seasonal affective shit, normally I hit my depression around the end of September, then come April, I go half manic. It’s changed. Last years I didn’t become high functioning until July. Which was when the shrink decided I was doing well and it made her so happy so she’d see me in four months when she got back from leave. I knew in my gut this was not a good idea. Just ditching me as the seasons would soon transition.
And I was right. I was with the emergent care guy before November. Because that’s how my cycles run. I will be doing splendidly for two, three months, giving the illusion that all is well. Then like being T-boned by a semi, the depression swoops in for a royal ass kicking. Time after time it happens yet aside from one doctor, the others seem oblivious. Yet this psych center advertises that they specialize in seasonal affective disorder.
I am frustrated by the lack of progress I’ve made as far as the depression. There’s just this lack of joy in everything, even things I normally love. I love Wednesday 13’s music yet it’s been months since I even listened to one song. Why? It’s almost like I am afraid my dark toxic mind will poison music I love so I have to keep it far away from me. I am the bottle with skull and crossbones on it. So easily what I love could be tainted during a depressive bout. I try to force myself to engage in previously enjoyed activities but…Like pasting on a smile, it’s exhausting, it gives me bad juju, and um…NO.

It’s odd how I can be a welcome mat at times when in fact, I am told I am one of the mouthiest most assertive people anyone’s met. Or am I just feeling like a welcome mat because deep down, under all the self protective tough girl crap, I am still this mooshy hearted “No one helped me but I still want to help them” wimp?
Case in point: R.
He all but ignored me for a week. Got pissed off when I couldn’t rise the 2002 Lazurus laptop. He has no concept of what I am going through. I tell him something, he says I never said it. (But he makes fun of my inability to remember numbers.)
I try to vent and talk to him, he just blows me off.
Yet when it’s him struggling, I am duty bound to listen and make soothing noises.
Which to some extent I do.
But him whining about the shop not meeting its overhead for the month cos little has come in for repair, and oh no, the sky is falling, I only have a six month cushion of finances. (His wife makes almost six figures, so my empathy is…um…nil.) I had to borrow money from my sister just to put gas in the car to get my kid to school, ffs. Don’t tell me how hard it is.
Then he prattles on about the fights he has with his wife. She’s going through menopause and I guess it’s a bumpy ride. He’s “finally” come to the realization it’s not her fault, it’s a physical problem and all her hormones have gone crazy.
At which point I said, “Ya mean, like a mentally ill person having imbalanced chemicals?”
To which he said, “Enough, I’m just now wrapping my brain around this menopause thing.”

It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant even educated people can be. Do a little fucking research. Menopause, mental illness, it’s all related to hormones and chemicals, which is scientific fact.
It’s just…I feel sorry for his wife sometimes, but she’s so overbearing I figure they deserve each other. They’re not bad people. Just…as fucked up as anyone else but oblivious to the fact.
I just get so furious with him because it was my mood swings that made him ditch me 15 years ago. Like I could control that. He was afraid it would negatively affect his children. Whose mother was diagnosed borderline and abused them physically. Yet he stayed with her fifteen years.
It may seem petty, but in all honesty…I can handle being ditched because I’m a bitch. I’m stubborn. I swear too much. I smoke, I drink. I am a hoarder. I have too many cats. I’m mouthy. I have a plethora of faults I own that are acceptable reasons for ditching me.
But time after time it always comes down to my disorder. Because it’s totally intentional and within my control. I just take the meds because I loooove side effects.

But under the anger lies the soft hearted person who wants to do right. So when he said, “Can you just come by the shop in the morning and keep my spirits up?” I said I would. I get so little from him and yet…Sap that I am, I keep giving. I think in some ways I am atoning for the past when I was misdiagnosed and the wrong meds were making everything worse so I was a crazy feral at times. At some point, the atonement has to end.
Truth be told, I did not sleep well, again, and I am not feeling all that “supportive” of others’ spirits today.
But I will go do it and at least get lunch out of the deal. (Again, is it income if someone buys you lunch?) And because I have been broke all my life and I know what it’s like when nothing is going right and your finances are freaking you out…I will be empathetic and supportive.

But there will likely be snarkasm thrown in. I mean, I can’t coddle the man like everyone else does. If I stop being honest and speaking my mind, well, that’s just not me. Maybe I should learn some filters.
Or maybe others should just stop being stupid and realize not everything is personal. Most of my snarkasm stems from trying (and failing) to be funny or something you’ve done to irk me or well, bipolar.
Fuck filters.

I despise the way something seems so tolerable at some point and you agree to it. Then next instant, it’s like, wtf have I done? I’m in no shape to play this role today.

Anyway…I think I am done. This is probably one of the least focused most rambling posts I’ve written in the two weeks since I started Focalin.
Oh, well. I consistent in my inconsistency.

Remember kids.
A friend will help you move.
A real friend ill give you an alibi and help you bury the bodies.
I need a real friend.
Except my mood would change and I’d want to bury them.

Fuck, I really am driving me crazy.
Ha, driving Miss Crazy.
I’m out.

One Response to “I’m driving me Crazy (Long nonsensical rant)”

  1. I followed that bouncing ball all the way to the end. And there always is consistency in the inconsistency. Damn, I had to spell check those. On-ward through the molasses!

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