Mental Maelstrom

Sometimes I can feel my moods shifting. It’s like a gloomy day when you just *know* it will rain no matter what the weather report says. That grayness, that rumble of thunder beneath the surface, the rise of the wind stirring things up.
I’ve come to understand the shifts into the angry modes are generally a byproduct of hormones or stress mostly. I guess it ties in with bipolar but it is heightened during high anxiety or hormonal issues.

Today my kid came out of the gate swinging. I mean, tantrum three minutes after waking. She’s grounded from playing with her friends until Monday, no cookies, no candy. She just went primal on me, kicking, screaming, bawling, punching, thrashing…I didn’t lay a hand on her, all I did was tell her she’d enjoy the school field trip even though it was indeed very scary.
Off she went.

It’s been that way all day. When she isn’t yelling at me, she is clinging to me like static. She makes it impossible to do anything, really. If she can’t have friends, then damn it, someone will entertain her every single moment and it will be me. The noise, the activity, the climbing me like a jungle gym…
It’s taken a toll today.
And now I am entering the “twilight” zone where the mood shifts and I know it’s stress induced. I started thinking about one thing and for the last hour, it just keeps beating against my brain like a hammer hitting a nail. I try to shove it out, bury it under other stuff, but there it is…Lurking, haunting, demanding attention.
So I think…Did it piss me off *this* much two days ago?
I was pissed, sure, but not to this level of agitation. I am in shovel wielding territory. Not toward my kid. No, I’ve redirected the anger or my brain did it for me. My kid is irritating but she has a feisty mom so I have to reap what I sew.
No…I am more furious with the way R treats me than anything. I always have to have a bad guy but I think it this case, sometimes, he crosses the line on quid pro quo using each other.
And I’ve read him the riot act, complete with cursing, when he’s sober (ish) and drunk and it just doesn’t touch him. If anything, me being offended offends him and he goes on the attack like he’s the one being wrong.
On what planet is that not infuriating?

Yeah, Okay, it’s being fed by this never silent child who just spews rapid fire uzi chatter directly to my brain nonstop from waking to the moment she falls asleep. Then she’s up three hours later, doing it again.
Is it any wonder it affects my anxiety, moods, and energy level?
It’s been a long fucking day.
And I feel bad for getting irked because this is probably how I make people feel with all my mood swings and anxieties. They probably find me stressful and irritating and want to shove me off a bridge. (Though most settle for throwing me under the metaphoric bus).
Compassion. Empathy. Patience.
Breathe in, breathe out.
At least I managed to stay in the neutral (“I am doing nothing today and I am NOT feeling fucking guilty for taking a breather”) zone most of the day.
I read a 400 page novel in under two days.
The focalin is proving to be amazing. I fear a dose increase may be needed as it doesn’t seem to have a long half life but…Wow. I haven’t been able to finish a book in under a week for two years. It was like I’d lost my one true love. Now I have it back. The kid negates the focalin in some ways but at some point all her noise is just that, background noise. Parents understand this is the only means of survival or we’d all gouge our eardrums out with barbecue skewers.
But yeah…I read a book in under two days. You want some scary shit about Obamacare and how it and technology are shaping healthcare…Read “Cell” by Robin Cook. I have never been happier in my life to not own a smart phone.

Some things good. Some things bad.
Such is life.
I feel the depressive undertow now. It follows that spark of “where the fuck did this come from” anger.
I had a little calm in my head, even if my daughter wouldn’t allow me to enjoy it.
Now it’s not so calm and well…It is what it is. Bipolar 101.

Still…Stressed as I am, exhausted as I am (yeah, how do you get exhausted by doing nothing, anyway) I’m not in the gutter like I was a few days ago. I think I may just survive once she goes to sleep. Dig around for another book to read or maybe watch something.
Which reminds me of another amazing feat the focalin has provided.
I WATCHED AN ENTIRE 90 MINUTE MOVIE TODAY.
Yeah, that almost never happens, least not with my full attention and without a dozen pauses.
It was about a drug trial gone awry. Very awesome. I tried to watch Bridesmaids cos it was allegedly so funny…Um, yeah, NO. I quit. If I get an hour in without one single laugh…Give me my gore movies anyday.
Yeah, even though some things are still kicking my ass…I think this new med is actually whacking one of the moles in a way that makes it too lethargic to pop up too often.

It’s a start.

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