Depression Plus Physical Pain Equals Lump

The chest cold kicked my ass. And while it was annoying, it wouldn’t have been so bad except I was coughing so hard, I pulled some muscles in my side and for four days simple movement has resulted in me shrieking in pain. I barely made a peep in labor sans pain meds, so if I am crying out loudly…it hurts like a mofo.
And when I am depressed and in pain…Well, suffice it to say, I’ve been in bed at 7 pm for two nights straight and avoiding people to the nth degree. Between the depression and pain, I am only going to go off and burn some bridges. Besides, I’ve got all these people making demands of my for their own agenda and I dared to mention not feeling so well and now the shit is flying. “You ignore me.” “You’re not there when I need you.”
Um…Let’s see..Last time I had a major meltdown with tears and everything and leaned toward one of those friends, they told me to take my histrionics and get out of their house.
So I am supposed to drop everything cos they are bored yet my needs get thrown out a door?

I was thinking maybe it’s just me and my damage and moods that are so down on people.
Yesterday taught me I am dead on. My kid has survived the lice rumors and has made new friends. Unfortunately, one little girl yesterday kept saying, “If you don’t let me have your Dora kitchen, I won’t invite you to my birthday party.” Then it was, “I’m going home if I can’t have this sticker book.” And “I’ll be your friend if you give me candy.”
The kids are as bad as the fucking adults in this town. It’s like they’re all soulless ferals wearing socially acceptable masks.
If I am wrong, please explain to me how being made to give your stuff to people and forgo your own needs for their benefit is a friendship.

The good news today is…the pain in my side is much much better. Tender and the coughing has died down so I am on the mend that way.
Depression wise, I think I’d be better of popping Tic Tacs. I don’t think the prozac is doing a thing. If possible,I feel more depressed.
Guess that was the trade off. Focalin calms me down (as calm as I get, anyway) and makes me lucid again but now the depression is stepping up to the plate to kick my ass.
Arguing with it is pointless.
I put one foot in front of the other and I shamble about like a zombie. It’s all I can do.

I wrote this amazing post earlier, or I thought so. It was a good piece, actually. Then something bad happened,either with my net connect or wordpress, but I clicked publish…and it vanished. No draft, no clicking the back button…Gone.; An hour of my life and words that made sense just fucking gone.

My dad called and I’m back in “listen inattentively” space. “Uh huh…yeah…Okay…Uh huh…” He doesn’t notice cos it’s all about him, anyway.
It’s just usually a sign that I need to step back and avoid people for a few days. I’m volatile emotionally. I feel like I’m getting fucked over by everyone in my life and whether it’s fact or half truth or total psychological distortion…It’s bridge burning territory and I need to back off for a few days.
Which results in burned bridges anyway.
Fuck, can’t anything ever go smoothly?

Now I’m gonna spend the next few hours trying to convince myself to take a shower and maybe face the mt vesuvius of laundry that’s needed folded for three weeks.

I don’t need a Magic 8 ball to tell me it looks unlikely.


3 Responses to “Depression Plus Physical Pain Equals Lump”

  1. There is a little plug-in you can get for Firefox called Lazarus that keeps a record of most everything you put into a text box. I ended up grabbing it during one of those periods where the Russian government was DDOSing Livejournal online and I got sick of losing entries.

    Also, -hate- that coughing that rips shit up. The worst.

  2. It doesn’t matter if I’m “sane” manic or depressed-I burn bridges. Right now I want to burn every bridge ever…start Sasstopia. It’s just where we are, and I praise you for recognizing your limit.

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