Randomizing The Thought Machine

This was written in a paragraph here, a paragraph there, during a 24 hour period. It is not intended to be disjointed but rather a random spewage of the day’s demons and angels. Now that I am more focused and my brain is slower I can spit out thoughts here and there instead of turning it all into one giant soup of run on sentences. Perhaps a bizarre way to write but random is me.

It does…

my heart (and mind) good to see others without mental illness get frustrated with my hyperactive never silent uber annoying loud kid. It means I’m not just amplifying things due to mental issues.
I swear, she’s like an Uzi to my brain at times. I love her to pieces but an introvert with an extrovert child…It’s a bit of a strain.

Princess and the pea…
I froze for months. Still do some mornings.
But today…I have sweated four buckets and it’s uncomfortable and miserable and makes me feel dirty and smelly and…
There is no happy medium for me and it’s maddening because it’s not on purpose, I just cannot get comfortable. Ever.

Psychological shrapnel…
R has had three bad days in a row where everything has gone wrong and he hasn’t fixed anything successfully. Thus he is grumpy, depressed, pissed off, and not quite there.
Three days? Really, dude?
That’s my every day. Yet you judge me for being mentally ill and frustrated?
Pot, kettle, black.
Play fair or get out of the sandbox.

Sad but true…

In the middle of a thunder/lightning storm. R sent me a text basically amounting to dollar signs. Because ugly as the truth is storms fry electronics thus needing repair thus needing his skill thus making him money.
Is it any different than feeling profitable because people have to eat?
Gray area.

R was saying, “Maybe if you’d do THIS instead of looking at Reddit…”
I had to remind, sternly, that I can’t keep him on track if he isn’t cooperating, nor can I read his mind as what he wants done while he’s hyperfocused on a repair.
I rarely look at Reddit at home because I am in charge and I can put together what I need or want to do.
Being at the mercy of others…Not my strong suit.
I have to remind myself a thousand times an hour “He fixes my car for free, he fixes my car for free.” (And the regular mechanic gets sixty bucks an hour, so on a limited budget, this IS a big deal.)
If that sounds shallow, let’s just keep in mind this is man who dumped me for being bipolar and upsetting the balance in his life yet not offering to help in any way. I give as much empathy as I receive.

Porn is responsible for sexual violence.
Hmmm…So every rape committed before the mass marketed porn industry was inspired by what…

I got wayyy too cocky. The Focalin seems to be settling in now and while my brain is still slower…Manic undertow is tugging. Manic episodes are fun. Until you come down and look at the wreckage around yourself. Do Not Want.

Doing my masochistic Reddit thing…I found a picture a man posted of him painting his little girl’s nails. Apparently, it’s their Sunday morning ritual.
And it just made me so super sad.
My kid deserves a dad like that.
I want to say I dropped the ball making a baby with that subhuman but…She’s our creation so I can’t.
But she deserves a hell of a lot better than him.
The only person to get hurt, truly hurt, in all of this, is our child. Shame his ego is too big to realize that.

It probably seems like I have no concept of the beauty in life. I carry on about the negatives because, well, there are a lot, and venting is the only way I have to cope.
But..I saw a couple of trees yesterday. One had white blooms, one had pink blooms. And I thought how pretty they were. No cosmetic surgery, no publicity, just natural beauty.
And this one house has a gorgeous bonsai tree in front, I drive by it to pick up my kid.
I see the beauty.
I can’t always voice it.

Same with humor.
Last week’s episode of NCIS had McGhee harping on something and Dinozo said,”Let it go, Elsa.”
I found that hysterical. I have to laugh at this Frozen thing or I will go postal. Makes me appreciate how my parents put up with me playing Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick In The Wall” in repeat.

Hit my wall in the dish after only three and a half hours. Panic and paranoia set in and while I’d been set to just go run errands until my kid’s dr appt at 4-ish…I just came back home. Xanax time.
Odd thing is, I swear the yellow ones they’ve been giving me don’t work as well as the old orange ones. It’s gotta be some psychological deviation thing because they wouldn’t be handing out the wrong or mixed up med for six months. Just weird. I am weird.

More dish time. I came very close to canceling the eye dr appt for the spawn. I was just so anxiety ridden and panicked. But coming home and taking the afternoon meds and just chilling out helped.
I paid the power bill. I took her to her appointment where it took for bloody ever. I did read some health magazine that had a cover story about depression and how people don’t have to feel bad about it. The author also posited that we don’t need to specify “mental illness” because “Illness is just illness.” I found that an enlightening read, mirroring some of the points I’ve made in this blog.
Then as it took even longer waiting for the doctor to see her (she insisted on going alone for all the exams, such an independent little monster) I picked up a Parenting magazine…And as it turns out, I am doing some things right. That made me feel better, because my mother has this epic way of making me feel like this bucket of fail as a mom just because I think kids need limits, discipline, and boundaries. I’m not one for the party line, but these were individual mom submissions on discipline and such so it felt less like following the masses than…Wow, I did this on my own and others use it, I don’t suck so much at this parenting gig. (Such as, not flipping out every time my kid takes a tumble or gets a boo boo. I don’t want her seeing me freak out thus equating life as this scary place…It may seem lacking in empathy but really, when she does get an ouchie, I ask, “You okay?” Because I sooo don’t want to program her to panic over every tiny thing.)
We went to two more stores after that. That’s like ten different places I went today. To say I am “dished out” is an understatement.
But…The day started out battling myself to even get dressed and when I did, it was bra and undies and clothes I didn’t sleep in, slap on some deodorant, but I still looked well…Frumpy.
Oh, well.
I did get out the door. I was faking the smiles and giggles (except for the college humor videos on youtube, those are hysterical and R was busy having his tantrum so it’s not like I had anything else to do.) It’s just depleting when someone else is in this volatile mood and you’re teetering on the edge between tears and fury…I need to learn to process it better. I’ll get right on that, just as soon as I convince scumbag brain that everyone is NOT out to get me no matter how much my fight or flight response kicks in.


6 Responses to “Randomizing The Thought Machine”

  1. Have a great weekend! (both you & you’re lil’ Chicka) 🙂

  2. Are the angels and demons puking, or are you puking them up? I wish I had the brains to write a more intelligent comment, but I’m a moron today.

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