I spent three point five hours in the dish. And my brain was basically functioning as if wrapped in gauze. Nancy wanted help with her netbook and four times she had to tell me her email. I just kept fucking it up. So much for that laser beam focus and calmer nerves. My nerve endings are ablaze with anxiety today. It’s feeding the paranoia and fear. Logically I realize no one is out to get me, bad things happen every day, not a catastrophe, et al. (Oh, god my ears itch, who is talking about me!!!!)
But my brain is not being convinced by logic. Frankly I think using logic on mental illness is kind of an oxymoron. Mental illness renders you illogical so how the fuck does it even work…
My kid’s school had an assembly today which meant I had to fetch her from the school proper. OMG. As if I wasn’t anxious enough, I had to go to this unfamiliar place and had no clear idea where the kindergarteners would be and all the other parents and cars and all those screeching monstrosities…I kept it together barely, but the hyperventilation, pounding heart, and feeling overwhelmed to the point of freezing up..
Ugh. Hate this shit.
Fortunately, my kid went right to grandma’s for a playdate and I came straight home to afternoon med date. Now that I am ensconced in my safe bubble, I am started to calm down. Of course, I have to go get Spook later which ensures another trip into the ditch and scumbag anxiety disorder won’t let me forget it so it’s there glaring in the back of my mind telling me I can’t relax because dish duties remain undone…
My brain is gaslighting me.
It wants to push me over the bloody edge.
Today it is doing a bang up job.
Weirder still is I’ve had no energy drinks, little pop, very little caffeine so if anything my anxiety should be lower.
Yet here I am.
Oh, the anxiety has gone right to my stomach, twisting my innards into little pretzels. I can’t make it stop, xanax isn’t taking the edge off well…
What the fuck is this? Why is it so generalized and random then amped by triggers…Why can’t I just beat it?
I endured ten hours of labor before going to the hospital. I was doing high kicks twenty minutes after spawning.I had a bruised rib and took no pain killer stronger than Tylenol. I get infections, I either use OTC stuff or ride them out.
I am not weak by any means.
Not being able to beat this mental stuff makes me feel weak and useless. Pointless even. But I swear with everything I am that I try my hardest. I fight myself, and these issues, every step of the way. I should be able to feel good about that. Yet it doesn’t cure me just to do battle and no one cares about the labor, they just want the baby.
What has me so wired today? Nothing bad happened to set it off.
I haven’t been this paranoid in some time. It all stems from anxiety, not voices or anything. I am more scared of everyday people right now than I am of a chainsaw wielding killer. Because that would be simple, flee, fight, and if you can’t, you’re dead.
This mental fear…There’s no easy solution. And sometimes indecisiveness is the cruelest part of mental illness. You don’t know which way to go so you go nowhere.
But this is part of my rapid cycling. Earlier this week I was more focused and calmer while the depression tugged away. Now the depression seems like an afterthought in light of how amplified the anxiety and paranoia are.
It’s not rational.
It’s very real to me, at this juncture in time.
I wish I could share it with mundanes. I doubt they’d be able to occupy my mindspace more than a day.

I thought with some time for the meds to kick in and solitude, the anxiety (panxiety) would die down. For some reason, it’s really not. Sometimes it goes this way. It never ceased to be both frustrating and exhausting. My god, would it really put the universe out of balance were I allowed a few days where the stars align and I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind?
I am about to do something crazy.
Leave the house. Sitting here going nuts isn’t helping.
Maybe a quick errand, even if it could be done later, might nudge the mind frame into a different space. It rarely works but what the hell, worth a shot.

And…Epic fail. I stopped at a yard sale, usually something that actually gives me this weird buzz of joy, and instead it felt like one more chore I was forcing myself through. Unfortunately with a nagging depression everything sort of feels this way. You remember a time when it made you feel really good and you want to feel that way again.
It just remains out of your reach no matter how much you stretch.
So I am doing everything the professionals say to do to combat this shit and it’s not working.
I just wanna yank out clumps of my hair at this point.
When I start breaking out in hives from the anxiety…Today’s just a wash. You win some, lose some, and some you just eek by.
Thankfully I have MMD. Multiple mood disorder. Who knows I could be shiny happy people tomorrow.
Or Lizzie Borden.
I’m hours away from bed and still have a trip into the dish to fetch my kid but…I am waving the white flag for now. I feel like I’m going insane. It is what is. I must accept that which I cannot change.

Niki Noir took an axe…gave scumbag brain forty whacks….


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