Self Service Analysis

It’s that time again. The time where I have conversations with myself. I guess one would call it self awareness or conscience. I dunno. I do know that I don’t need to shell out seventy bucks for forty minutes to hear some therapist give me new disorders due to her own bias. Gotta admit, one counselor declares unequivocally, “You are NOT borderline. This is textbook bipolar.” I saw her for two years.
Then she left and I got transferred (same therapist my brother sees) and after two sessions the newbie declared me borderline. I told her what I’d discussed with the former counselor just weeks before (because I am not blind to my own issues) and she steadfastly clung to her diagnosis of me. After less than ninety minutes spent with me.
Then when she broke my confidentiality by telling my stepmonster,”Niki missed an appointment, have her call me.”
Um…So not cool for someone with trust issues to begin with. Sure, it was common knowledge my brother and I saw the same counselor, it’s a rural area, we all go to the same places and docs and all. But telling a family member I missed an appointment and to call her rather than contacting me personally in a professional manner…HORRIFIC. I have tried very hard to keep my mental issues out of my family life because they are all such assholes about it. Having a family member dragged in that way was the ultimate violation of trust.
I can say it was that sole experience that has made me terrified of counseling. It’s like I come to terms with what six therapists have stuck with for twenty years, I go in and some newbie counselor six months out of school pegs me with issues I never had before.
So yeah, I probably do need therapy but…That scar runs deep.

So here we go. I will analyze myself.

Flaw #1: I grew up in a household with parents who did little but argue. They despised each other. 28 years of it. And to some extent, I think that left me with this “love/hate” complex. It’s not a borderline issue. It’s what I saw my whole life. I don’t have a healthy relationship example so my notions were formed based on what I knew.
In relationships, friend or otherwise, I must always have a nemesis. The person I spend the most time with will drive me insane with their “quirks” all the while critiquing my “flaws”. This leads to me being hurt which I turn into anger because that’s more acceptable than tears.
Instant psycho hose beast. “I love you when you’re nice to me.”
“I fucking hate you when you upset me.”
It doesn’t seem like a disorder, it seems logical.
And I am the first to admit…I have a lot of trouble being at the mercy of another’s schedule and balancing out their personality and their issues while dealing with my own. I suck at it.
But I am aware of it. That’s a start.
I just wish I could impress on people it’s really not personal. Okay, well, maybe getting my feelings hurt frequently is personal and I want to lash out and draw blood…But if people would just let it run its course rather than turning it into war…That sounds selfish.
I don’t think telling someone, “You did this and it upset me, I just need time to seethe.” is wrong.
And if they pick a fight, show disdain, or blow me off…War it will be.
Path of least resistance really isn’t in my skillset.

Flaw #2: Because of all the bullying I was subjected to in school (being spit on seemed more like assault than bullying) I view teenagers as vile hateful creatures. I am willing to judge on an individual basis but on a whole…They are cruel pack animals and will do anything, no matter how evil, to impress their pack. And sadly, some of them never leave high school behind. They just become adults who bully others. So begin my issues with people on a whole.
So okay, it’s my issue and it’s something I should work on. But hey, I didn’t revisit my old school with grenades so I coped okay.

Flaw #3: I come off as hypercritical. Again, it’s all I’ve ever known and try hard as I did, I became that which I hate at times. Rarely do I ever plot out how to be critical and rude and unaccepting of others. It just seeps out, like alcohol escaping through one’s pores.
I try to do better but that petty vindictive part of me gets critiqued with both barrels daily so…venom will emerge from my fangs.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually gotten better at being this way.
Which probably gives an idea of just how wretched I was at one time.
I’m TRYING.

ATM, those are the three flaws I’d like to work on the most.
What proves to hinder more than anything are the misfiring brain chemicals. They muck up everything. They distort everything. It’d not an excuse, it’s just factual.
It’s hard to make improvements when you’re never sure what mental state you’ll be in from day to day.
I’m putting forth the effort.

But on a whole…I don’t think having a nemesis is such a bad thing, provided I don’t write them off entirely out of pettiness. And love/hate…Can’t have that great make up sex if you don’t have a little hate and anger going on.
Okay, I’m fucked up.
It’s part of my charm.

I think my primary purpose in writing this is…Yes, I am aware of my rants and how unfair I may seem to others. But I am aware of it and I am trying to work on it. I am not ignorant of my faults. I am not oblivious to my own propensity to be difficult, critical, or unfair. I need to learn not to take everything to heart.
Unfortunately, my Teflon coating wore off long ago and everything sticks.
I need a really heavy duty scouring pad.

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