Quieter

Three doses in with the Focalin…And already the tornado is dying down in my mind. The anxiety is, as well, because I am not so stressed processing everything at once. If this is the start, well, I have high hopes for when I get a steady level of this stuff in my system.

I don’t really have anything to say. I just wanted to report the quiet mind phenomena. I haven’t had this quiet a mind since ’07 when I was prescribed Focalin in the first place. I think all these doctors who wouldn’t even entertain the notion should be sued. They may well be why I never seemed to improve for long. Blaming everything on anxiety when the condition most causing the anxiety needed treated.
Or I could snorted Comet, who knows.

One thing that’s not changing is the depression. I can’t explain why but that dark cloud remains. Like it’s seeped into my bone marrow. Of course, the prozac was decreased after just being increased (none of these doctors can agree on anything) so it will be awhile until those levels get back on track.
Depression with no cause sucks.
Oh, today it’s logical, foggy gloomy morning, my kitten with encephaly is dying and the mother is rejecting it. It’s so sad. It lived for nearly four weeks. What kind of deity promotes being born only to suffer? That goes so far beyond “gotta have bad to have the good.”

I don’t want to do shit at the moment. I’d rather stay home with Yoda (the encephalic kitty) and comfort him until it’s over.
But I sold my soul to the devil and I have to go babysit a fifty some odd year old man because he can’t stand to be alone. I know my venom is irrational, but there is nothing rational about my existence anyway. NONE of it makes sense.

Anyway…What might have been a four page diatribe is simply…This brief post about nothing but questioning the futility of life and yet holding out hope things are changing.

Hope never works out well for me, I don’t know why I even bother.
Maybe that’s the mental illness, daring to hope for things to get better.
Back to snorting Comet. (Inside joke, I don’t even use the stuff to clean, too lazy.)

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5 Responses to “Quieter”

  1. I’m happy for us in respect to the focalin helping (mind quietness) but sorry about poor lil’ Yoda & the depression, (I hope when he goes, he goes peacefully??) 😦 l haven’t been ‘right’ stuck under a cloud since my pharmacy/mood stabilizer debocal,,, blahhh,,, you bring the comet, I got the LP ~ *CHEERS*

  2. You’ve seen the video with Stephen Fry going off about god for allowing horrors?

    I’m glad your mind is quiet…that’s huge

    • There’s a video? Hmm, I interact as little as possible with the outside world, especially videos. Just have my own beliefs and on no planet would I ever worship a deity that is okay with needless suffering, rape, murder, and yet takes issue with what consenting adults do in the bedroom.

      Do you ever sleep? Seems no matter the time difference, you’re always awake 😉

      On Tue, Apr 7, 2015 at 8:09 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Have a look at this tho – I love it and will be v surprised if you don’t at least approve mildly 😉

        I sleep … in strange intervals atm, waiting for a new sleeping pill script.

  3. The darkness never goes away. You just have to learn how to coexist with it. I’m glad your mind is quieting, though. Even though we’ve never met, I wish you the best.

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