Refresh These Wounds

*Post Edit”
*Fuck it.*

This post is in no way meant to detracted from the seriousness of borderline personality disorder. If you admit there’s a problem, you’re golden. People like my mother…It’s everyone but them so she doesn’t deserve my empathy.

Oh, yes, as soon as it all scabs over…One trip to my mother’s and the scabs are open and festering and oozing and…
It’s nothing new. I guess I am just ill equipped to cope well today.
Though, for someone who’s told they have such low self esteem, I think I’ve held up pretty well considering character assassination is more of a norm than an exception.

I purposely waited til 1pm to arrive. Food was still two hours from being done. Which meant lots of time with mom and sis.
Yay. NOT.
I like my sister fine, even if she is too much like mom. But my mother is so borderline…And I don’t mean that like “the weather is so bipolar,ha ha”…I mean, full blown borderline personality disorder. Plus she has early onset dementia moments that have made it worse. If ever a shrink wanted a case study for borderline, my mother is it.
“I love you…I hate you…Get away from me…Please don’t leave me!”
She will say one thing, then deny it. Scream if you call her on it, declare she hates you. Then she will say “Why don’t you ever spend any time with us?”
SHE is why the practice of suicide was invented. The only escape.
And don’t get my vitriol wrong, she’s my mom, she loves me in her own evil way, blah blah blah, love her too..
She’s just so damned venomous toward me because I look like my dad and learned his value system over hers. Been this way since I was a teenager. His sins were my sins. It remains the same.
And yeah, mommy issues are boring, blah blah.
It’s just this sort of thing is what fucks me up even worse with all the other mental bullshit going on.

She lavished a hundred dollars worth of clothes and easter baskets on my kid, then asks her what I got her. The tongue clucking disapproval was deafening. (Yeah, but I have food for my child the next week, sinful putting necessity ahead of frivolity.)
Then came the every-fucking-time-we-have-a-family-thing.
“Spook is such a happy kid, how can she be Nikis?”
“Spook is a people person, she didn’t get that from you.”

Oh fuck off.

Then came mom and sis’s inevitable snarks about what all they didn’t have for the meal rather than just being grateful for what they did have. And dad bought half of it as my sister’s easter gift so they wouldn’t have had what they did to blow on easter without him.

I tried to paste on the happy face, god i did. I faked it through the baskets, the egg hunt, the meal…And then I just plead cramps and said they could bring my kid back home when she’s done playing there. How much am I expected to tolerate?

On a side note…one of my friends’ daughter gave me a hand made Easter card. She’s like 13, known her since she was born, very sweet girl.
And I know she meant well, but it still irks me.
The card said, “You are a special person no matter what anyone says.”

She made everyone else a card. Theirs only said that they were special and she loved them. Gotta love unintentional insults.
She’s a sweet girl but it just goes to show…my reputation precedes me.
And I maintain it ain’t all me, I am surrounded by idgets.

Anyway…I am hope. My head is pounding. I want to shower this day away like a nasty film of dirt.
Because while it may have dented my armor…It’s nothing new and it won’t hold me down long. I am defiant until death.

Which may be hastened by that stupid Elsa doll Mom got my kid singing “Let It Go” over and over and over.

What’s tastier? Comet or Liquid Plumber?
(Sorry, no offense intended, just in a pissy mood. Tomorrow is another…Um…)

Some days not even a sweet bunny who gives you candy can gloss over.

3 Responses to “Refresh These Wounds”

  1. You shoot Liquid Plumber, snort Comet!! Good grief ~ if I was with you ~ IDK what I’d do!?! Beer!!? Sounds like you got a Shitty deal! So sorry, but from my end Happy Hoppy Easter!! HUGS!!

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