Psychological Distortion

My brain started out okay this morning. I was up an hour and a half before my kid. Started working around the house in tiny increments (only way I can keep from getting lost) then decided a trip into the dish of petri was needed for supplies.

Yeah. Epic fail. Lots of traffic. Easter crowds at the store. I bumped into someone but was having such a panic attack my “sorry” didn’t even register so my kid apologized on my behalf after chastising me.
Got back to the bubble ASAP. Yeah, I know I am supposed to fight my own limitations blah blah blah, but some days, it’s best to just wave the white flag rather than enter into a losing battle.
My mind is distorting things today and there’s not a damned thing I can do to stop it short of getting drunk, which would just be another form of distortion.
There are days when I feel so bloated and my back hurts so bad, I look in the mirror with horror and think HOW CAN YOU GO OUT LOOKING LIKE THIS BADYEAR BLIMP!!!
So I try to combat that with doing make up and hair, like hey, at least my face is passable. Then I realize I have dual chins and my eyeliner is smeared and lipstick lasted two minutes…
and it’s right back to distortion land where I hate every single thing about myself even if yesterday, I was completely cool with who I am.
This distortion is unsettling because it won’t be sent away. It just fills my every thought to the point I cover mirrors with scarfs or flip them around in the cabinet to avoid them. I’ll stay in pajamas because it’s not like real clothes make me look any better.

It’s so bizarre because it’s not constant enough to even report to a doctor as anything other than an intermittent problem they’d dismiss as hormone fluctuations or some sort of self esteem issue.
But my brain is really seeing my reflection as some sort of personal affront that should be drawn and quartered and the more I try to point out the things that are right about me…The more the distortion keeps bending and twisting and contorting. (Mudvayne-“I feel it on the inside..twisting and contorting…”)
It’s a crap mind frame to occupy. But much like the cyclothymic rapid shifts of my apparently unique bipolar two, it doesn’t stay forever. If it were something with a trigger or only happened when I ate gluten or on Thursdays after watching Grey’s Anatomy and feeling dirty….
But this is just random from nowhere fucking bullshit.

Oddly a few hours from now or tomorrow, I’ll probably reread this and go, “What the hell was I smoking?”
Because my brain plays games on me that expertly.
And the most bizarre part of it all…
I NEVER had this issue before my daughter was born. It’s like that whole experience somehow altered my chemicals and they’ve picked up a new way to torture me.

Forget waterboarding.
Real torture is living with a distorted brain.

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