Manxiety, Dr. Sweetheart, and Karma

It’s official. Not only do I have panxiety (paranoid anxiety) I also apparently have Manic anxiety disorder (manxiety.)

The new doc thing was terrifying. I got there wayyy early. I read a magazine, remembered nothing, reread the same things over and over. I was sweating and emitting that stagnant stress smell. Heart pounding, mind spinning, yet completely downhearted and exhausted. Ya know, where you bury your head in your hands and try not to yank out clumps of your own hair.
I was weighed. Yeah, if you weren’t already depressed being told you gained 15 pounds in spite of cutting out soda and eating one meal a day…Hate that part. And my blood pressure was higher than norm. I was FREAKING OUT, ffs. Of course, it’s gonna be elevated. The nurse said, “Oh, he’s a sweetheart, you’re gonna love him.”

I’m not sure I love him but…I didn’t hate him. He was…OPEN. He listened. He said I was manic, I tried to explain I just get high strung and panicky like that for appointments…I don’t think he bought it even if it’s factoid. He declared me manic as well as ADHD.
Then I broached the whole focus/Focalin issue and he said he had no problem prescribing Focalin because obviously, I am ADD.
HUHHHH????
For years now I’ve been told I’m just anxiety ridden and finally a doctor sees that I actually have this attention deficit thing and it’s not in my head????
He said a large percentage of bipolar patients do have an attention deficit, with or without hyperactivity, even if insurance companies seem to think ADD or ADHD ends when one turns 18.
I was in his office about twenty minutes. He heard me out, told me his stance, and we just discussed it rather than him handing down edicts. I agreed with him the prozac should be lowered, split into two doses even if the half life should last longer than it does for me. He actually said everyone reacts differently instead of making me feel like a loser for not being one size fits all.
It was mind boggling.
He did consult the old files, but only after talking to me. I guess he was seeing if my story meshed with the record. I flat out told him that I have seen so many doctors and counselors, all with differing ideas, that I am flat out confused aside from the bipolar two and anxiety disorder diagnoses.
He didn’t make me feel like a leper for being honest.
He prescribed 5mg Focalin without a fuss, said he could see why I’d need it and he was trusting me not to abuse it. Considering insurance won’t pay and it’s an extra sixty bucks out of my disability check which barely provides shelter and heat…I wouldn’t be asking if it hadn’t helped in the past. Trying to find the money is stressful but it’s also…hope.
I wasn’t really manic, I was just fucking nervous.
But he perceived it as mania and hyperactivity so at least he saw that there IS something rotten in the state of Denmark. He’s the first doctor in 7 years who saw the attention deficit for something other than anxiety. He gets points for that. As well as for blunt honesty. He asked on the way out if I had any questions, and I said, “No, you answered them all and I am shocked you listened to me.”
He said, “That’s what you pay me for.”
I respect honesty even if it stings.
I also asked him if he, too, was going to rotate out in 2 years like all the other doctors there and he said that he and the hospital were contracting together for five years, minimum, trying to turn the center into a large scale care place as well as a ward at the hospital that hasn’t had one in dozens of years.
That…made me hopeful.
So…Prozac back to 20mg twice a day and 5mg Focalin twice a day. Excellent, Smithers. He wasn’t so much a sweetheart as a…a…PROFESSIONAL. It blew my mind.

EXCEPT…
First off, it’s gonna be sixty bucks a month out of my limited budget which is OUCH!
Second, my pharmacy won’t have that dose in until Monday. I told them I’d wait because truth be told, I’d rather keep all my scripts at the same place so any possibility of interaction can be spotted. So I said I’d wait and I’ve spent the evening crunching numbers, debating what I can skimp by on to afford this medication.
Nothing is ever perfect. I think given the right speech, I could probably sell my soul to R so he’d shell out the lump sixty bucks I can’t. I THINK. You never know because people will promise to help you then the next day ask why you needed the help. (Viva drunk friends.)

My kid is at my mom’s so I have had the day to myself, after the appointment hell ended. I’ve done…Um…Dishes. Cat boxes. One load of laundry, though five baskets remain unfolded…I bought myself a tv dinner for supper. I called my mom’s to check on my spawn and they all started spazzing that it was some sort of emergency. Because ya know, I couldn’t simply miss my daughter.
And I am only allowing this sleepover for her benefit. My mom and sister have kind of pissed me off good. For my sister’s birthday, they had NO food for a week so our dad and stepmom spent a hundred bucks buying them food. Which they proceeded to share with and feed to about 9 people who aren’t family.’
Today, my sis and mom show me how they’ve spent over a hundred bucks on my kid’s Easter baskets as well as a frilly dress and Frozen tennish shoes. I dared to say, “Thirty bucks for shoes she’ll outgrow in a month is dumb” and got fucking verbally jumped.
Apparently I don’t want my kid to be happy because I won’t blow all the money on crap and let her starve for two weeks.
This is just how it is with my mom and sister. They’re all about fun and frivolity whereas I am more like dad in practical terms. It’s never ceased to be a bone of contention. Toss in that I look like my dad, well, mom’s never really forgiven me, like it was some choice on my part.

Now…Karma.
I get a night to myself, Mother Nature (the bitch) gives me cramps from hell. I want to do nothing and be around no one.
I reconnect with someone I think is worthwhile except they’re too far gone to be reached.
I look back at all my blog posts and realize…MY GOD I WRITE LONG POSTS AND I AM AMAZED ANYONE HAS THE PATIENCE TO WADE THROUGH THEM.
I am sooo hoping the Focalin helps with this.
I soo need a federal loan to afford it. (sad ain’t it.)

So that’s the good, bad, ugly, and karmic.

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2 Responses to “Manxiety, Dr. Sweetheart, and Karma”

  1. Amazing. I’m really stoked to hear about the new doctor. Hopefully the extra money per month will work out, it sounds well worth it. And long posts are cool.

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Thank you for the much needed reassurance. I am hoping that this extra expense (which truly is OUCH!) will improve my quality of life, as well as my posts being coherent.

      On Thu, Apr 2, 2015 at 8:43 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

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