Judgy Much

I have always taken so much pride in myself because I don’t judge people. Yet, I realize…I do. Just not on things such as looks, education, intelligence, etc.
My rule of thumb is generally not to get vindictive unless it’s done to me first. I slip sometimes.
I have a real issue with religion. Soccer moms. Scientology. (That’s a cult, not a religion..) Bullying. Discrimination. Bigotry. Stigma of mental illness. People who harm kids or animals. Parents who don’t support their kids.
I am just a big bucket of judgmental goodness.
The big difference, I guess, is that I’m not an all or nothing type. I don’t need to be agreed with on everything so I am judging less the person and more the behavior/belief that is at odd with my own.
Still feels shitty, though.
But hey, if someone can present a pro side to animal and child abuse, cults, bullying, deadbeat parents, discrimnation, bigotry, stigma…
There isn’t a good side to any of it. That makes it judgment worthy.

In other news…
I did the unthinkable this morning. I braved Wal-Mart. The super shitty superstore from hell. They have this wagon wheel stuff my kid adores and they are the only place that sells it. That place is a huge trigger for me so I don’t go there much. Today I forced myself to do it, for her.
Oddly, I’ve had a churning stomach ache the whole day and I think I am allergic to that place.
Paid some bills. Grabbed a few things for Easter. I really phoned it in this year because, let’s face it…I can’t compete with my mom and sister blowing $130 on my kid’s gifts. It’s insane. I got the pink bucket, some chalk, bubbles, and the candy to fill the eggs to hide. Beyond that…Meh. I hate the way mom and sis turn every holiday or birthday into some sort of “I spent more so I love her more” thing. Asinine.

I talked to R about getting the Focalin and how much it costs. Yeah, it just started him on a “joking” tirade about attention deficit simply being a lack of discipline for kids and excuse for adults. After months of calling me scatterbrained and asking what else I can fuck up this week…I finally get this ray of hope that things might improve…And it becomes his smartass soap box.
While I do think the system labels wayyy too many kids ADHD when they are simply high spirited, and um, yes, KIDS…I have also seen kids diagnosed and medicated. Then they miss a dose and become aggressive semi violent uncontrollably little trollfucks. Give them the pill, they’re sweet as cake again.
I’m not disputing that one, it speaks for itself.
But the overall attitude toward ADD/ADHD needs to go.

So I fetched the spawn and am done with the petri dish for the day. It’s a good thing because lunch disagreed with my already upset stomach and I am in pain. Spook hasn’t stopped talking, nor stalking the new kitten, for three hours now. The noise is giving me a headache. Then there are the dogs next door barking in unison while their owners yell and hoot and holler.
I am concerned about how to juggle in order to afford the Focalin.
And expressing as much got R on a tirade about how I need to go after The Donor for child support rather than whining about being broke.
I tried to do all the paperwork for that shit a couple of years ago. I messed it up, missed a deadline, and eventually said fuck it. Dealing with that creature alleged to be human is going to drive me into a looney bin and I am fine being broke until LEGALLY FORCED to interact with it.
Am I wrong to think this way? Yeah. But it’s the deer in the headlights thing. Sometimes until given a slap to the face in the form of reality…I’m frozen. And unlike Elsa, I can’t let it go.
Ha ha ha ha. I’ve never even watched Frozen and my kid has fed me enough secondhand to make references.
In all seriousness though…Terror can make you immobilized. It’s a job for future Niki. Who knows, if I can get all the meds straightened out, the focalin works, maybe I can get my other ducks in a row.One thing at a time.

It hit me…While my scattered ping pong thoughts are maddening and irksome to those around me…I also find it a little quirkily endearing. What if Focalin takes away my whimsical bent? I like being a little flaky and chaotic.
I am creating problems before they even can exist. I am good at that.

Anyone know of a job where inconsistency and flakiness and a propensity for self sabotage are considered pluses?
Oh, and the mood swings and panic attacks, those are my expert skills.

I want a brain transplant. Mine is as glitchy as a microsoft product.
Oh, wow, there I go being judgy because I’ve had some bad luck with a few Windows products.

Meh, fuck it.
I still use the evil overlord of operating systems. XP and 7 are flawless.
I will to my dying day hate ME and Vista and windows 8.
Just like I will hate my stupid scumbag brain.
Though I honestly have more hope for it than I do the next Windows operating system.

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