Countdown to New Psych Doc Time

It’s 9:42 a.m. My appointment with the new psychiatrist is at 2:30 p.m.
Suffice it to say, I am literally sweating bullets, my gut is doing pretzel mambas, and there’s this mixed sense of dread and hope settled down into my bones.
All kinds of questions swirl about. Will he be a jerk? Will he be open to hearing me out? Will he just follow the notes of his predecessors? What if he’s dismissive?
I can handle about anything but dismissive. I have walked out on a shrink before because they were condescending and dismissive.(Zoloft doesn’t work because you don’t want it to work???? Really, this is a professional saying something so ignorant?)

To add to it, I have cramps and my spine feels like it went ten rounds with Pinhead, courtesy of menstrual dysphoria and all. I feel low but solid at the moment, mood wise. I am terrified one wrong word from him and I will either burst into tears or go full on pissed off manic. Neither state is optimal because I become irrational and run on emotion that is amplified by all the chemical and hormonal imbalances.
It’s bridge burning territory.

On the plus side, I guess, is my daughter is having a sleepover at Grandma’s tonight so if the shrink appointment turns to shit…I can come home, bawl, and lick my wounds without worrying about her seeing me come apart.
It really is post traumatic shrink disorder as opposed to pessimism.
I have had so many shit doctors and one decent one. It leads to serious trust and faith issues.

I have made a list (a rather incoherent one that makes sense only to me) to take with to the doctor appt. I know he doesn’t have a lot of time so I have prioritized the list in my own sloppy way.
Lamictal works great.
Xanax works well, could be raised until whatever this current anxiety plague resides.
Prozac…Willing to give it more time, but that mid day crash sucks.
The disturbed sleep thing definitely needs to be addressed, if only to explain why I am so exhausted all the time.

The primary focus today will be my memory/concentration issues. I have to get my point across on this one. Like the medication is not covered by insurance and I will be paying out of pocket which I can’t afford so I wouldn’t be asking for it if I didn’t know how much of a difference it had made in the past. I am willing to do it on a week by week basis, and if it doesn’t work this time, fine.
But for three years I’ve watched my life turn to absolute chaos because my mind can’t focus and organize and retain information due to all the swirling thoughts.
I need help.
It’s so bad you get replaced at volunteer jobs for friends, well, seems to me something a doctor would pay attention to.

I am literally sweating. Palms, armpits, neck. Anxiety is a fucking scourge. I have yet to get dressed because well…Um…I don’t even know. It’s that whole mental restraint thing. I know I need to, have to, but I am a deer in headlights, frozen and the car ain’t stopping and I am ain’t moving.
I have an ass ton of housework I’ve gotten behind on and I don’t even know where to start on that.
I’ve been drowning for so long and these doctors are supposed to be my lifeline to stay afloat. Epic fails. I can only do so much if the chemicals aren’t aligning properly. Being made to feel like I’m just not trying hard enough is counterproductive. Professionals should know that.
I’ve always said though, top of the med school class doesn’t end up in this armpit of a town. Can only get what is there. I get Dr. Chihuahua and Dr. Osteo run-up-and-down-the-stairs-to-cure-depression.

I’m also scared that this switch to in person doc may result in him taking away my Xanax. The new order doctors are just so biased against it. They push this clownapin and it does fuck all for me.
I could be making things worse for myself here.
It’s said, “You miss a hundred percent of the shots you never take.”
I suppose.
Then again, Sartre says, “Hell Is Other People.” It’s been the background on my desktop for three years now.

GRRRR.
I would have less fear if I were attending a tea party with Michael Meyers, Jason, Vorhees, Freddy Krueger, Pinhead, Leatherface, and the sadistic fuck from Saw.
I know they’re out to kill me.
This new doctor…is unknown.
That’s petrifying.

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4 Responses to “Countdown to New Psych Doc Time”

  1. Good luck, good thoughts & HUGS! Wish you well!

  2. How did it go? I hope it was good … so sorry your anxiety levels are high 😦

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