Stability Challenged

Words like “crazy” “nuts” “bashit” “insane” “nutty” “nutso”…
Gotta go.
I am stability challenged and sanity disadvantaged.

I have nothing on the agenda today except a quick trip to the store. Yet my anxiety feels like it’s eating me alive from inside out. I see the new doctor tomorrow. And I am PETRIFIED.
Honestly, how can it not be terrifying to have your own progress at the mercy of another who will have their own style, philosophy, biases…
And the psych center’s style has always been in and out. I have literally spent more time waiting in the drive thru at McDonald’s (and gotten more courteous service) than I am allotted with the doctor.
Last time I saw Dr Chihuahua I went in with this paper list where I’d jotted down my mood patterns, anxiety issues, stressing factors, lack of focus…And he spent three minutes with me, said we’d increase the prozac and everything else is due to anxiety.
And were I not so nervous in such situations, I’d probably have let out a primal scream and insisted on being heard out. How the fuck do these doctors live with themselves? Five minutes to not listen to a patient, push some pills, and charge nearly two hundred bucks? That’s a psychopath, as far as I am concerned. Conscienceless. Soulless.
I want it over with. I am so nervous it’s like my entire life is on hold until this no longer looms over my head. One way or the other, I NEED to rip this band aid off.
At the same time, there is this minute sliver deep within me praying, hoping, sacrificing metaphoric infant souls, that this man will LISTEN to me.
I don’t see how I can be called a pessimist when I still have the naivete to hope for the best.
And it’s more amazing because I have PTSS.
Post traumatic shrink syndrome.
God, a lot of assholes go into psychiatry.
That level of apathy they should just work at the gas station.

Deviations are creepifying.
Just got my reminder call about tomorrow’s appointment. And she said to bring in all my meds and my insurance card.
I’ve not done that in three years.
Guess the actual dr is different from the telepsych doctors.
Maybe that means he’s going to form his own judgment rather than simply reading the prior parade’s notes.
I feel nauseated.
And the teeth gnashing is making my gums hurt.
I don’t like deviation.
And shark week arrived (explaining the bloating and spinal pain of the last week) but it’s also making me feel very…irritable.
Not a good mix for meeting a new doctor. I could be…volatile.

Or I could burst into tears.

Neither is optimal.

Bloody hell, I am exhausted by my own mind.

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