Psychological Restraints

I often feel like I am in this invisible straightjacket, except it’s my mind that’s bound rather than my arms. It’s stuck in this place I can’t escape no matter how hard I struggle, no matter what I do trying to free myself.
It’s a mindframe and I have spent way too much time in it as of late.
Like smashing into a wall, only to have the wall wrap around me in a little cube leaving me little but elbow room and a glimpse of light at the top, like a chimney. There are no handgrips or footholds, no ladder or rope being dropped down to lift me out.
I’m restrained.
Little doubt that the cramps and spinal pain the curse has brought are aiding in my inertia but this has become…too frequent. Too common. I can’t move backward, forward. I’m psychologically immobile.
Yes, I do all the tricks to “snap” myself out of it.
All avenues lead back to the brick box. I’m down here in the darkness, looking up, seeing the light at the very top, wanting to reach toward it, and yet…It’s too far away and I have no way out.
It’s the psychological equivalent of a hamster on a wheel. Round and round, never stop going, still get nowhere.
Talk about feeling futile. This was why that stationary bike I had served as a coat rack. No one enjoys working so hard and getting nothing in return. (I didn’t even lose weight.)

I try so very hard to help myself, to keep an open mind, to do all the tricks that will allegedly fix me.
Fail after fail I get downhearted and the self loathing explodes.
Why do they encourage us to do this to ourselves?
Positive attitude is one thing, but acting like it’s the key to curing mental illness when all it does is set us up for failure if our brain chemistry isn’t on board…It seems cruel and counter productive.

I want out of the restraints, I want lifted out of this brick well I’ve fallen down. I scramble at the walls, scuffing my knees and arms and hands and face. I try to climb up, climb out, but there is nothing to grab at and I am only hurting myself and accomplishing nothing.
And I wonder, am I doing this to myself? Because that’s the consensus, mentally ill people are all lazy fakers too weak to cope with life’s harsh realities so we create these issues in our own mind as an easy out.
I know the truth.
This was never my choice. No more than someone chooses to be born with a birth defect, a heart defect, or any other illness or disorder.
The propaganda monsters are getting to me, stabbing at my brain with their ignorance, making me doubt myself.

I have a song I’d like to sing to mental illness. It’s an old tune by Helloween.
“I want out–to live my life alone
I want out–leave me be
I want out–to do things on my own
I want out–to live my life and to be free.”

Seriously, what the fuck does it take to break these chains?

5 Responses to “Psychological Restraints”

  1. A cbt counsellor told me not to bother with positive thinking, because it has no basis in reality.

    And I thought you might enjoy this http://greatist.com/happiness/positive-thinking-negative-benefits

    • I did enjoy that read, thanks for the share. I think I will stick with “cautious optimism”, a counselor once taught me. It seems the middle ground and it’s less stress because I can still be apprehensive without dooming myself.

      On Wed, Apr 1, 2015 at 12:41 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. Mental Thoughts with Michael Says:

    Excellent post. I love the allegory of the well. Very visual writing. I could see myself in that well trying to get out. Only I don’t only see myself in the well, I also see storm clouds brewing and I’m running out of time. I would like to repost this post. As I said, excellent work. Thank you for writing this šŸ™‚

  3. Mental Thoughts with Michael Says:

    Reblogged this on Mental Thoughts with Michael and commented:
    How do you see yourself in the well?

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