Does bipolar ever make you feel like a fraud?

It’s one of those rare eclipse like events…I am NOT praying for death today. The sun is shining, I socialized a bit last night while my kid was at her grandpa’s, I had a decent night’s sleep with my bed to myself (decent as in no five year old knee to the back, but still kept waking up.) I woke before the alarm today, did the fully dressed/made up functional thing so R could go to the dentist while I mind the shop. (Which means answering an occasional call and and basically torturing myself reading threads on Reddit that quash my faith in humanity.)
I’ve even smiled at people willingly. Participated in communicating with others on line and in person.

So why does it feel so fraudulent?
Or maybe that’s not the right word. It’s like a mirage, actually. I am having a rare “functional” day and I want them all to be this way but I know they won’t be…It gets you downhearted.
How many times have I met people while in a state like this or manic and they just adored me to pieces? Only to see the facade crumble away and basically run screaming into the night.
Maybe that’s why depression is just easier (as if any part of mental illness is simple). If people see you as you normally are and still stick around, they’re the real deal. People you encounter while manic or on a rare even keel just take that as your norm and to find out otherwise…It lets you know who your real friends are real fast.
I realize I don’t have many.
And it’s fine, because I am what I am and I have enough of a struggle trying to keep myself afloat. I don’t need the added stress of pasting on a happy fun ball mask to assure others I am worthy of their time.
I have a framed Marilyn Monroe quote on my wall that I pretty much live by. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
I love that.
Of course, there are the trolls who claim it’s just an excuse for behaving badly and expecting others to put up with it.
That’s rubbish. Monroe had a lot of mental issues and if taken in that context…Here was this beautiful sex symbol movie star that lit up rooms simply by walking in.
The flipside was Norma Jean, the troubled woman living inside that Hollywood created shell. And she was renowned for being difficult. So why should people be allowed to enjoy you when you’re pleasant but abandon ship when you struggle?
That’s my only point. Sure, there comes a time you have to jump off the ship to avoid going down with it. But for mentally ill people, it just seems too common to jump off the ship just because of a turbulent wave.
Take me at my best and worst or go to hell. There, I think I clarified.

This was going to be a lucid post. My brain is starting to spin, though, and I am bouncing everywhere.

It’s weird…When you spend so much of your time in a darkened room called depression…A day like this is much like waking from a coma or coming out of a drunken drugged stupor. You look around and realize the sky isn’t falling, you aren’t a lost cause, and even if a large percentage of people are assclown trollfucks…It’s not the end of the world.
If only this clarity were present in the depressive moments.

Guess that’s why I feel like a fraud at times. Weeks and weeks I will feel like I should gargle razor blades because there is no hope. Then I will go manic for a week or two. Then come down, slide back into depression, come back up.
I am confused by bipolar and I live it so I wonder if I am not expecting too much of others asking them to understand.
Which is ridiculous because when a loved one has a physical illness, people can’t wait to get more information, ask questions, be supportive.
Why is it so different for mental illness?

So…I am just going to go with whatever *this* is. Moment of lucidity, sanity, calm before the storm…
But I’ve pasted on so many fake smiles, I’m even suspicious of the real ones now.
That’s the suckiest thing about bipolar.
You can make good choices.
But what your mind tells you is a good choice can’t always be trusted to be right.


2 Responses to “Does bipolar ever make you feel like a fraud?”

  1. You aren’t a fraud. I think most everyone else is. Have another good day.

    • I agree with the most are frauds thing, but my mind is so precarious at times I can’t tell if I am just depressed and hateful or if I am being rational. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

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