Panic Ninjas

I got jumped by a stealthy squad of panic ninjas today.
What was the trigger?
I had lunch with R and that was it.
By the time I went to get my kid, I was in full on hyperventilation pounding heart meltdown mode.
It passed, but it was particularly nasty panic attack.

My mood today has been…subdued. It started fairly level but then came the midday crash into the abyss. I’ve been forcing myself to take every breath and step today. I have no motivation. I am quite honestly, exhausted. I want nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep.
And I think I can identify the trigger for that. I’ve been doing the semi social thing, going to R’s to watch Arrow and The Flash, or he pops by to spout off on his latest conspiracy theory. Two nights in a row. I’m burned out. If I burn out just staying in watching TV, it’s a damned good thing I don’t have a more exciting life. My head might implode.

My gut has been in painful twisting pretzels today. No idea what that’s about other than the underlying thrum of anxiety I can’t explain.

My nerves feel twitchy and I have the tin foil in the ears feeling going on. Every sound, kid, cat, neighbor,passing traffic…It all feels like it’s being amplified through stack amps for a freaking stadium show. I know this is my mind perceiving the normal noise of life as something much larger than it is, but the affect remains the same.
It’s freaking me out.

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my kid for the next nine days. Spring break. Yay. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t have the attention span of a gnat and need constant entertainment. But she is so easily bored and distracted and spends only a couple of minutes on any activity….It’s going to be a bumpy nine day ride. Get me prepared for the coming three months of summer insanity.

I just feel…off.
I can’t really put my finger on what is causing it other than circuit overload.
And it sounds nuts, who gets stressed out over relaxing with a friend and watching TV?

Tomorrow I am just going to breathe, focus on housework, errands, get it done before she gets home…
Or my mood could be absolute shit and I’ll curl up into a fetal ball in bed.
I never know, my brain doesn’t give me advanced warnings of its shenanigans.

Just give me warm blankets, tv background noise, and let me sleep it off. Whatever this is. For others it’s called life.
For me it feels more like a daily ride on a hamster wheel only the hamster’s on meth and the wheel is demonically possessed.
Chaos be thy name.

Stupid ninja bipolar.


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