Something’s Got To Give

I could feel my mood starting to slide around 4p.m. No trigger. Just like tripping down three or four steps.
I remember the seasonal affect lasted longer than normal last year, too. I kept wondering why I wasn’t snapping out of it. And so I wonder the same this year.
When will this sense of emptiness and hopelessness mid day stop slamming into me?
I suppose the up and down spring weather isn’t helping. One day it’s warm, one day it’s cold, nothing sticks.
And when I get cold I practically shut down. The shivering and inability to ever get warm drives me into this overwhelming urge to bundle up in warm blankets. I was worse off, depression wise, last year. But I was focused, my anxiety was lesser, and my meds were at least serving as a buoy to keep my afloat.

This last two months, I have learned that heightened anxiety, paranoia, an all encompassing depression around the same time every day and complete lack of focus or interest…Leads to one hell of a traffic jam of the brain.
It’s like I’m glued to this spot, I fight and fight and I go nowhere. I’m stuck.
If sheer willpower alone did the trick, I would so kick this depression and anxiety to the bloody curb. I am SICK of feeling this way.

SOMETHING’S GOT TO GIVE.

Maybe the new shrink, seeing me in person an april 2nd, will have some ideas on what’s holding me down.
There has GOT to be that magic bullet cocktail of meds that will stabilize me.
And keep me stable. Which hasn’t happened yet for more than a few months at a time.
I wish to God I were one of the people who can tough this shit out without meds. I’ve gotten to the point where nothing is helping so I’m wondering if it’s making it worse. Except experience (and going off my meds impromptu) never leads any place good.
I know I will feel “sobered” for a couple of weeks once the meds are flushed out but I’ll go right back down the rabbit hole. And it will be even worse.
So much as I’d love to give big pharma the middle finger by curing mental illness with candied apples and primal scream therapy…
It’s just not happening for me.

So here I am, in the middle of a metaphoric ocean, treading water day after day, week after week…And I am sore and exhausted and starting to go under and I pull myself up but at some point if something doesn’t give…
I’m gonna go under and I’m not gonna bob back to the surface.
At least with actual drowning there comes a point where you pass out.
Psychological drowning you are awake for the entire time. You scream, thrash, beg for help, berate yourself for not knowing how to swim in the murky waters of mental illness…You grab onto anything that remotely resembles a buoy to cling to in order to stay afloat.

And it becomes so exhausting, you just want to give up, let go, and disappear under the surface.

But what we want and what we do are often very different things and that’s probably on the positive side.

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4 Responses to “Something’s Got To Give”

  1. Victoria A Says:

    hey girl I got into a huge fight with my gf the other day. You know you said how people don’t take meds. I only don’t because was such an ass. I think they are necessary when proven to be. If they are successful well do it, right. but even if they lessen things I say YES! Any who I started a new blog mostly for my gf. I thought you should check out my last post. I feel kinds manic right now and I just I don’t know its to much right now.

    https://cyclothymia11.blogspot.com/b/post-preview?token=rCzeS0wBAAA.PXKktS4oSA6DSDaHEk0YwA.wSk_3qBawMJXKx94chYRlQ&postId=8579917434409411978&type=POST

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      Definitely on manic overload, Luv. Which just amplifies the emotions that are already there. I feel for you. I started Lithium like five times to get out of that exact state. It was a pain in the ass, side effects are shit, but when you can live feeling like your entire brain has been injected with Novacaine…It helps. Then sad things happen and you can’t cry so you stop lithium because you need to feel something.

      Yeah, meds are sort of evil. It’s just picking your poison, so to speak. Lamictal keeps me out of the rubber ramada manic phases and xanax slows my brain down.

      One question and this is because it’s like this for me: Do you find, once the manic thought process slows down and time passes, that all the emotions you felt so strongly dull a little? It’s not like it stops bothering or hurting you, it just feels like, “Um, I kind of took that a little too hard.” Just curious, because it’s like that for me sometimes.

      And if cognitive helps you, call the doctor. Whatever works, even if it’s snorting sea monkeys and licking smurfs.

      On Mon, Mar 23, 2015 at 11:06 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Victoria A Says:

        Yes. Now as I feel like I’m coming down if you will. I’m reflecting on what made me so made the other night, and you know what, it wasn’t as harsh as I want to lead on. As far as me execrating what the fuck I was feeling as it happened. That’s kinda why I feel like I’m ready for meds. I think that sometimes I turn situations and feeling into something way more than they actually are and when I feel like I’m having these come down periods, like now, I can actually look at the situation and say, “That got way more out of hand than necessary.” And the sad part is it’s as much my fault as hers. I knew I needed help and that it was just building. I can’t expect everyone to be so form fitting to me you know, oh well. I bit off more than I can chew and looking back it seems that I never really had a grasp. I hope that answers your question. I posted a couple of pics in a manic morphing power ranger phase. Maybe it will give you insight to how colorful perception can be for such a fucked way of thinking. haha. have a great day. I am trying.

      • morgueticiaatoms Says:

        It’s funny because two weeks ago I was post menstrual, in a manic episode, and I made some seriously questionable choices. It lead to the usual mess and of course, first it was fun and games. Then came the let down and I took it so personally I probably could have spat nails and built an arc. Now…Mania is over, I am back down low, but amazingly…It doesn’t seem like a big deal now. I am actually fairly apathetic toward the whole thing other than finding my own idiocy slightly funny. This is why I get pissy when people call bipolar a “simple mood disorder.” Nothing simple about your perception changing from day to day and tainting every aspect of your life. Hopefully your mood is swinging to a more even keel now. One thing about cyclothymic shifts..They don’t linger too long. Blessing and curse.

        On Tue, Mar 24, 2015 at 8:51 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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