Mommy Fearest

So I did…the “right thing” for my kid and went for the playdate thing. I was at rock bottom and of course, Mrs. R couldn’t protest quick enough to my kid acting up and ignoring me. She even went so far as to say, “I will turn you across my knee!:
Which both pissed me off and made me feel inferior.

Wine didn’t help.
Playing Uno attack didn’t help.
I lightened up only a bit but the “breathe again” moment only came once we were home inside our bubble. R just had to bring up my “fuck up everything” ability and make it all very weird. I know I am a fuck up, can’t we just um keep it private?
I come to Nightshade having had three kittens and she ain’t done yet. Shade is a shit cat mom so I am not optimistic for the survival of the itty bitties.
In light of the neighbor chick informing me her pit bull killed the kitten she’d just gotten thus giving me dreams of dead cats…
This is a very bad place to be.
I feel so utterly alone and…inept. Which is not something I am all that familiar with. I am used to feeling alone but inept is only subject to the input of others who are way more high functioning than me…thus…dismissible.

Low. Low. Low.
Scared. Terror filled. Fearful.
Maybe I am a shit mom.
But were it not for her, I’d have stayed in all night and avoided this social gauntlet thing. I TRIED for her sake.

Now I am waiting for sleep and I can hear the new kittens scritching and mewing and Nightshade is not done popping them out yet I have to go dogsit in Bymfuck tomorrow to pay for that flat tire…
When I would rather be home tending to momma cat and newbies.
But nooo, Dad’s clan going to an auction thus needing a sitter would trump a knife thru my skull.

I think it’s bedtime. With any luck the four hours of sleep will make me good to go tomorrow. Because I was useless today.
Kittens…I’d rather have a bouquet of kittens than flowers…So why are the newbie cries grating on my nerves:?
Oh, right. Because until three days ago, I didn’t even realize Shady was preggo. I guess she is that thin or I am that oblivious.
Suffice it to say… Whatever my judgement…Shade’s got kittens now.

I am so in over my head and so bloody alone in this battle.

Maybe I will have another manic episode.
The bad choices I can do without.
But that zest for life, that hope, that “flying close to the sun” thing…
Yes, please.
It’s bedtime. Brain reboot time.
It’s not a bad life.
It’s just a bad mind.

One Response to “Mommy Fearest”

  1. You tried for her sake, but then those remarks by mrs r …. well that’s not good for you or your kid. She sounds horrible. It’s not surprising that the attempt failed, it’s also not your fault.

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