Little Known Fact: Mental Illness Causes Physical Illness

Got a bad case of pretzel gut this morning. And I haven’t eaten anything to disagree with me nor have I encountered any triggers. It’s just overall anxiety. The doctors call it “generalized”. I wonder if they’ve ever opened a dictionary to understand what generalized means.
It’s not contained to one aspect.
It’s in charge.
The General.
It makes me ponder how “mild” an issue it would be if people had “generalized” stomach aches or headaches every single day of their lives.
Mental illness truly is the bastard child of the medical world. Just because it can’t be seen on a slide doesn’t make it any less real or serious than any other chronic condition. So why do I always find myself leading the charge to convince people it’s the real deal? Maybe because someone has to speak up and speak out. It may be a pebble tossed into water but the ripples could eventually cause some change.
Or am in grandiose manic phase?
Probably the latter.
But I am an outspoken person so manic or not, I’d still be doing my rebel yell thing.

Yesterday and last night were…interesting.
Not because anything happened.
It was what didn’t happen.
I was manic, but it was a good hypo mania. I got all the laundry done and folded. Six baskets that have been stalking and haunting me and I did it all. Well, I work in spurts, which is probably why the job thing is so different for me. You have to complete tasks in a timely fashion. It’s not in my skillset to work on a schedule. I can barely keep up with my kid’s school schedule. I manage but only because I’ve gotten the truancy letter. I think without that, I’d probably drop the ball more often and say “Fuck it, let’s take a sick day.”
I digress.
I eventually crashed down from the manic high but…the splat wasn’t as bad.
Until I started trying the sleep thing. Then the anxiety and paranoia went off the charts and the stomach ache started back up.
So…I had this 99 cent bottle of wine and thought…I’ll have this and maybe it will calm me enough to sleep.
I took two sips. It was putrid. The rest went down the sink drain.
I am a bad alcoholic, if I am indeed one. If it doesn’t taste good, I don’t want it. It’s gotta be plain swill for me to dump good booze.
Oddly…I wasn’t crawling out of my skin for alcohol.
I think maybe the mania is slowing down. The anxiety sure as hell isn’t but I think having seen someone in worse shape than me, totally out of control and not even caring anymore…I think it was a jar back to reality for me.
I’ve been through shit that would have made most people kill themselves.
I am a badass.
I can weather this storm.

Or so I keep telling myself. Maybe I will start to believe my own lies and self delusions.

The power of suggestion…That, too, is killing me. My kid said the school has been doing scalp checks, which means someone has lice. Suddenly we are both itching. But we both have dry scalp so itching is our norm. This has just…metastasized.
Lice is the scourge of the earth.
And not because I think it means people are dirty, it’s got nothing to do with that.
It’s just so hard to get rid of, especially since I won’t use the chemical crap. And with poor eyesight and no focus, it takes days of combing to get all the fuckers.
So I have become petrified and paranoid.
One more thing to add to the list of suckage.

I am due in the petri dish soon. I don’t want to be since I am expected to be. Also, my stomach is in such bad shape, I may end up needing a carton of milk and a lay on my stomach on the floor til it dies down break. Hard to do out in public.
Not to mention the paranoia.
I watched CSI:Cyber and it’s enough to make you (almost) throw out your computers and run screaming from wifi. We have acquiesced so much control, turned over so much of our lives, to the computer deities. We will pay the ultimate price, dramatic as it sounds.
Makes me glad I have a prepaid cheapie flip phone, a 1988 car, and nothing to hide even if I did get hacked. (Ha ha, couple years back someone got my debit card number and tried to buy a bunch of shit on Newegg…I doubt they were happy to find out it had a thirty two cent balance, ha ha ha.) Being broke and having bad credit are a good thing when it comes to hacking.

Okay…Now I’m just rambling.
Time to pretend I want to get dressed and go be functional.
Pretzel gut sucks.

On a final note..I’d like to hear from anyone who reads my drivel on how their mental illness affects their daily lives. Is it just me who’s so messed up? How are so many other bipolars so high functioning? Why can’t I shake this monkey on my back? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?
What do YOU do to cope?


2 Responses to “Little Known Fact: Mental Illness Causes Physical Illness”

  1. Victoria A Says:

    whose to say what functional is. Attending work regularly, not crying sometimes just because, letting the anxiety not alter every moment of your existence. Functional is overrated. I think the fact that you wake up every morning and try to achieve one more day than you had makes your extremely functional. Bottom line nikki, anyone can pretend to be functional, isn’t that what everyone does anyway. I mean have you ever met someone with or without a mental illness that doesn’t have some fucked up crud skeleton in their closest dying to come out to haunt their victim. The only difference between the fakers that pull it off and those of us that find it more challenging is that we think with our thoughts, feel our feelings truly and deeply, the ones who pull off the façade get away with it because they think and feel with their brains. Not to say that you and I and others like us do not use ours, its just that our souls, ours hearts are what motivate us. We rationalize and we function just fine. Who standards are we trying to live up to? our own? or societies? If you try for one moment each day to make your little ones life better than your own, I would like to offer congratulations because you both are functional. Obviously I have had a tangent with the phrasing of functionality but I am over being fit into a cookie cutter image. Aren’t you? Why can’t we be who the hell we want to be motivated by whatever moment we feel we need to be motivated by? If you don’t give up on this Rollercoaster of shit this disorders puts anyone through then just know you have made a great difference. Every time I have a fucked up day I read your blog and think, “Fuck My day was utter shit of panic and tear stricken moments, but at least I know I am not alone. If she keeps chugging’ along, with a person that depends on her, maybe I have hope to achieve becoming a lawyer, providing for my partner, traveling the world, and just because I’m paranoid to face everyday things doesn’t mean that I can not overcome my struggle.” Fuck you do. What does that say if I can not chug on and offer support to you. By just existing and reading your words.
    You are fine unless you don’t get out of bed, or start to commit unjust crimes. I think you are just fine, but then again I am only someone with the same disorder, not a doctor.

    • Thank you. I don’t think you’ll ever realize how much it means that you chimed in with this. Especially when I slipping up and down on the bipolar coaster and feeling like such a failure. People don’t give credit for making the effort anymore…Thanks for reminding me I try and it counts, and I am glad that my words resonate with you in some way. Truly…thanks.

      On Thu, Mar 12, 2015 at 7:35 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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