Anxiety knocks, crazy is on the other side of the door

To say I am crawling out of my skin with anxiety would be understatement of the year. It’s been progressively getting worse since 11 a.m. My mind keeps wandering, I try to focus and yet…No sooner than a number is rattled off I find myself totally blank. I started itching and breaking out in hives so I demanded R check my hair for bugs.
It’s apparently all psychological, yet it manifests physically.
How this is no big deal escapes logic.
It is a big deal.
It is the hindrance holding me back even when I deny it permission and challenge it to take its best shot. It knows the pressure points and it takes me down but good and fast. Maybe I don’t stay down but the damage adds up. One day I may not get back up. That’s what I fear. I’ve seen it happen to people less screwed up than I am. Everyone hits their wall. Living in fear of it doesn’t control me, but it’s like a phantom toothache, whereas the tooth may be gone but the pain isn’t. My fear of hitting the wall doesn’t control me but it’s that dull ache reminding me…it’s possible.

So yeah…Anxiety knocked on the door, I answered it, and it was crazy.

And my stomach never did let up. Even now after the petri dish time has been served, it’s still tense and knotted.
I have bad juju, I can feel it in my gut, in my bones.
Something bad is coming. It’s going to bring about my own apocalypse. And while I am big on helping myself…I am trying so very hard but with no support system and it just leads to failure after failure.
I’ve done some serious soul searching. Is this just personality? Is this just laziness or lack of coping ability?
The bottom line is, the cycles are all the same, even if they don’t repeat verbatim. Manic, functional, manic, depressed, functional, six month depression…Rinse, lather, repeat. I feel like I am walking on an escalator that never reaches the top of bottom, just keeps going and going.

To add to the crawly skin and tin foil ear thing, the weather has warmed up significantly and it is staying out longer which means parents have let their kids off the winter leashes and now they are running feral and noisy all over the place. If only I could put a dome over my place that was soundproof to block it all out so it doesn’t metastasize my pre existing conditions.

I can feel that short patience bitchiness kicking in because I am wound so tight.
Didn’t help that R was in a bitchy mood and taking it out on me. You need a pogo stick to jump through his hoops and that’s just being his friend.
And I think that’s where I have seriously gone wrong.
I have tried so hard to be social for my own good because it’s the party line one size fits all mentality…I’ve lost myself. I am playing in a sandbox that’s filled with quicksand and I keep sinking further down. The less I can meet the expectations of those around me the more I slip down.

Very dramatic sounding and yet so accurate a description.

It may be time to step back. Shut down, shut out. MUch as I can. Get back to being myself. When the world moves too fast, it means I either step back or crash and burn. I don’t wanna crash and burn. The splat is bad enough.

Ugh, sweaty palms, itchy skin, and cringing ears over the knocking next door,the barking dogs, the screaming kids, the noisy cars…And my kid smells blood in the water so she is having fits every time I say the word no.

I’m tapped out.
I felt so hopeful earlier, even had this loose idea for a story, kind of a Supernatural-esque thing. Had a title, an idea…I was actually getting this spark of hope and maybe inspiration.
And now…It’s gone, lost amongst the flotsam and jetsam of a wandering mind, screaming nerves, and a kid throwing a tantrum.
Splat is coming early.

Unfortunately, splat comes with or without a trigger, that’s the bitch of it. Identifying triggers and avoiding, removing, or changing coping mechanisms can be attempted.
When it all comes from nowhere, then the triggers amplify it…

Crazy’s at the door.


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