Herbal Hangover

The crash yesterday was horrendous. I hit the wall so hard I think I got brain damage. I kept trying to fight it. Even did the “Let’s run an errand, get out in the fresh air” thing in an effort to maybe put myself in a different frame of mind.
Epic fail.
So once my kid was asleep, my exhausted mind and body drove me to my bed. I took a single 3mg Melatonin. Herbal is good, right?
It put me to sleep. Unfortunately, it took forever and it didn’t keep me down for more than a couple of hours at a time.

This morning I woke with a skull crushing headache. Like someone had hit me in the head with a bloody shovel.
And I did not drink a drop of alcohol, all I took was the herbal supplement for sleep.
I could put away a bottle of whiskey and not feel so shitty come morning.

I don’t for the life of me understand why sleep inducers give me worse hangovers than putting away half a liquor store.
Drinking is bad.
Insomnia sucks.
But the “aides” to fix the latter are worse than the former.
Catch 22.
Guess I am back on the crazy train to no sleepsville again.

I think what is most confusing is I once had a shrink who wouldn’t prescribe sleep meds. He told me to drink a glass of wine at bedtime.
And it worked for the most part.
Now it’s all “don’t drink, blah blah blah.”
But their pills and even the over the counter stuff make it sooo much worse.
It’s taken two hours for the fog to clear and the headache to die down.

I had just hit such a low point, such a dark place. But I’m smart enough to know drinking isn’t the answer. I had a bottle of whiskey and a single of red wine in the cabinet and touched neither. Instead, I tried to go the “healthier” route.
I can’t win.

Today I am…in a “fuck it all” place.
Hungry but too lazy to feed myself.
The sunlight is making me feel like an eyeball is about to burst out of the socket.
I am disgusted with people.
I am trying so hard to do right by my kid but then I have people like my mother always pointing out it’s never good enough.
My so called friends only call when they need something yet leave me hanging if I am in need.
I should be depressed even without depression.

Yet…The people thing doesn’t bother me so much. I don’t do social anyway, I am bad at it and an hour in, wanting to run screaming into the night because I have nothing in common with those around me. Literally.
I think…The depression and manias have distorted everything to a point where “I hate everything” mode has kicked in.
And I still haven’t heard a thing from the dr’s office. I figured once they got that letter they might call and work me in.
My luck they will decide to drop me as a client. That’s what happens with doctors if you rock the boat too much.
I’m a boat rocker.
And I am not getting better so I have the right to speak up.
They may not take me seriously but this is my fucking life and they are either part of the solution or part of the problem.

I just want to…not be broken anymore.
My emotional scars run deep, I can’t escape them. I can just keep battling.
My own mind, though, and its machinations…There is no escape.
In some ways, bipolar is a lot like going through life drunk or knocked out on Nyquil. You’re never in your right mind because the mental illness is always influencing and distorted everything.
Odd how the doctors don’t seem to grasp that concept.
I don’t merely grasp it.
I live it.

And as much as I am a fighter…The exhaustion is wearing me down.


2 Responses to “Herbal Hangover”

  1. Arghhhh this HORRIBLE disorder 😦 sorry things are so rough. A few sleeping thingies give me headaches too (the antihistamine, phenergan was the worst and my shrink said – whut … it usually cures people’s headaches). Haven’t tried melatonin yet. Got thorazine prn for it at the moment.

  2. The Professionally Depressed Professional Says:

    Not going to give advice, I don’t actually have any to give. Just want you to know that you’re not alone and although you’re exhausted, it will pass.

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