Manic To Morose in Seven Hours

So…I spent my night tending to a friend who basically overdosed on booze and quaaludes. I was almost out the fucking door until one of his friends called and asked me if I would stay and make sure he didn’t, ya know, die. So I did. But I am getting really tired of being the one he calls when he’s wasted. Which apparently is always.
Makes me realize just how far I’ve come over the years. I used to be an idiot like that. Hitting rock bottom is the only way out. I feel sorry for him but on the other hand…I’m not a bloody nursemaid.

Then I had a flat tire on the car. Had to call R to take my kid to school while I waited for stepmonster to come to town and fix it. I do not like being stranded, it’s terrifying. This town is so spread out, walking is unrealistic. Must have car.

Then I went manic and my mother called and started going off on me about being drunk at 9 am. and I can’t explain manic episodes to her for shit. She’s obtuse. Mostly she just seems hell bent on believing the worst about me.
So yeah, manic.
I did my hair, put on nice clothes, make up, even earrings. I was feeling soooo on top of the world. So strong, so intrepid.Not feeling like some timid victim but like a strong capable competent person who has it all under control.

Around 1 p.m…I just bottomed out. I am feeling fragile and hateful and fearful and utterly inept.
I am trying to fight it but…
I am failing.
No trigger so I can only assume it’s the lump dose of the prozac making me crash and burn after flying so high.

I want to curl up in bed, stare off into space, and…Ponder why I am even on this planet since I seem to serve little purpose.
Oh, I try to self pep talk because I know the depression lies.
It’s just not working at this time. They may be lies my brain is feeding me, but they are permeating my entire consciousness.

I’d rather be manic or depressed. I don’t like this up and down and yet this is exactly what bipolar is.
Instability personified.

Then around 1 it


2 Responses to “Manic To Morose in Seven Hours”

  1. cavellemartin Says:

    Sorry to hear you’re on that roller coaster right now. If only the mania would stick around long enough to actually accomplish something…it’s such a short lived experience and then yeah….the lies your brain will tell when you’re down is relentless. It’s almost like your brain is constantly lying to you in a way. The high is a lie…the low is a lie. It’s extremely frustrating at times. I’ll be honest with you…your friend needs to go hit rock bottom on their own. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life and honestly bailing this guy out is just enabling him. Of course you don’t want him to die…that is a given but his actions and you constantly bailing him out is no good for your mental health and frankly gives him an out…hopefully I don’t sound to harsh about it but yeah take care of YOU.

  2. That’s quite a cliffhanger at the end of your post 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: