Time Springs Forward, I take five steps back

Earlier, I thought I might feel the edges of the depression tugging away. Clocks go ahead an hour tonight. That’s tied to seasonal affect. Yet…Once that initial 40mg Prozac wore off, I was right back to sliding down the rabbit hole.
I was outside my bubble for over 8 hours. Enter freak out. It’s like wearing someone else’s clothes and wearing a kick me sign. You just want back into your safe space so you are no longer a target or at least don’t feel like one.

An old friend I knew as a child from infancy to age 10 stopped by my dad’s to see me today. I wasn’t even sure what to say to her. She’s still thinner and prettier than I ever was, but she got good genetics, I didn’t. Plus she had her kids 20 years ago so she’s not rest deprived like me. And she was upper crust and popular so she didn’t develop the social issues I have. Hell, dad and stepmonster had more to say to her than I did, but then…My history with her is all Barbie dolls and chearleader jackets. We were children.
I felt like a moron.
Hell, I feel like a moron most of the time.

The relief only came after I was back inside my bubble. At which point my child promptly started acting out after being such an angel over at Dad’s. And I am so exhausted and high strung, plus shark week arrived…She nearly reduces me to tears. And she knows it and she uses it.
I am not a weak person.
Hell, I’m the woman who makes grown men run screaming into the night I am so direct and dominant.
Yet my kid…Plays me like a fiddle. And if she isn’t playing me, then I’m not sure how to react.
It’s the cry wolf thing. If I dismiss her complaints because she’s had the same tantrum, verbatim, a thousand times…It’s gonna be the one time she’s seriously messed up. But if I keep caving in, showing weakness, and allowing her to manipulate me…
There’s no answer here.

All I know is…my mood should be lifting, and not just for brief hypomanic episodes. The seasonal affect should be morphing.
Yet…Once that initial dose of Prozac wears off…I take ten steps back.
So even when the anxiety isn’t killing me, the mood crashes are.
Anomalies weird me out. I don’t do change with grace. And this entire winter has been off with the weather and such.
So my disorder’s been thrown off and rather than emerging from the darkness with the oncoming spring…
I am on the hamster wheel of dark futility.

And on a final note…
If I had two wishes, the first of course would be for all this mental shit to go away.
My second wish…would be the ability to tell when people are playing me.
I am so sick of being used. Sick of my vulnerabilities being taken advantage of. I am so direct. I don’t get why others can’t be the same. Why they have to lie and build you up then once they get their way, they act like you never existed.
I guess it’s my karma for all the white lies I’ve told. “No, I’m not mad at you.” “Yeah, that new shirt looks awesome.”
Little white lies just pale in comparison to blatant manipulation.
I accept karma.
I accept that I am as much a part of my problem as my mental issues are.

But I do not accept that people can lie so easily without conscience. Even I, fucked up as I am, have a conscience. It may not be standard issue but it’s there. But I feel like I am surrounded by sociopaths without conscience, without apathy.
And it’s my fault for letting them in.

Goddamn it to hell.
All the professionals have told me to keep trying, keep putting myself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
But sometimes, you just end up losing even more.
And not wanting to do it again is logical.
But I’m like a record with a scratch in it. I keep repeating the same mistakes, all because a bunch of so called professionals think protecting yourself is a bad thing.

So bloody sick of it all.
Spring’s coming, clocks moves forward, and I take ten steps back. But no one understands why I have an attitude. Or why my depression is worsened by personal experience.

I should stick to cats.
They can attack, claw, scratch, draw blood, eat my food without letting me pet them…And I don’t even get that offended.
But with people…
I wish I could view them more like cats. Not expect them to be…well, human.

I think I ceased to make sense ten paragraphs back.

One thing for sure…I am gonna sleep well tonight. I have run myself into the ground physically and psychologically this week. I may not sleep through but I predict that I will sleep and but hard.

Then again…Things aren’t standard issue anymore so…I can’t even count on the patterns of old.

Bloody. Hell.


2 Responses to “Time Springs Forward, I take five steps back”

  1. Tough stuff to go through 😦

  2. manyofus1980 Says:

    Sending you hugs. I hope your mood starts to pick up soon. Mine is dipped too right now so I can relate to your struggle a lot ❤

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