Pictures of an Unfocused Brain

This is what my brain is like.

index

See, somewhere in that pit is a single black ball. And I am supposed to grab only that one ball out of that whole pit. So I spend all my time searching, looking, never accomplishing anything because it all shifts around me every time I start digging and I am back to square one.

Or another analogy I found because I thought of an old game show.

money-machine

You’re broke, you need every dollar you can lay hands on, and there is your chance. All you gotta do is grab with both fists.
Except there’s a motor blowing the money up all around you in every direction and you can barely grab a single bill, let alone fill up your fists even if the money is right there.

That’s what focusing is like for me.

But on the plus side…A friend wanted my couch to avoid a DUI and I said, yeah, ok, as long as you’re not expecting good company, or well, even civilized company.
Now they are zonked out and I feel like I can’t breathe.
It was a little like this when Bex stayed but not to this extent.
I do not share space well.
I mean, I should have welcomed the company, right, maybe to avoid the mood crash? Instead, every fiber of my being screamed GO AWAY GO AWAY NOW. My mouth went its own way. Because all the counseling and shrink rapping has brainwashed me into thinking going outside my comfort zone if for my own good.
Time after time I try it.
Time after time it just presents a new problem on top of the old ones.
So I had a mood crash, got irate and snarky, and now I can’t get to sleep in my own home because I dared to step outside the comfort zone.

For the life of me, I don’t get why it’s perfectly logical to avoid certain foods that upset your stomach. But if other things set off your anxiety and moods, well, avoidance is unhealthy and you need to suck it up.
If you come out hurting either way, how is it different?
Isn’t it logical for one to want to avoid what makes them ill?

I waste so much time trying to evolve because it’s what’s expected. Fact is, I evolve more, and it sticks more, when I am doing it of my own free will as opposed to meeting some societal expectation.
Still. I try.
Not that I get any credit for effort.
But history sure has credited me for every failure.

Back to the ball pit.
Maybe I’ll fall asleep during my search for that one odd colored ball.
Or maybe I’ll gouge my brain out with a super long q-tip.
Could go either way with me.

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2 Responses to “Pictures of an Unfocused Brain”

  1. It’s hard to make anyone understand how depression feels and that at times the best thing the other person can do is to leave you alone.

  2. Reblogged this on Are. You. Mental? and commented:
    Thank you for sharing.

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