When Life Gets Lost In The Details

I think I last bathed on Sunday. (Yes, gross, I know.) On the plus side, I am keeping the dishes done. Maybe because my subconscious feels they are more worthy of the time and attention than I feel I am.
I don’t know, I baffle myself.

I crashed so hard last night. I’m talking 5:30 pm, hiding in my bedroom crash. Just absolute bleakness like I’d been dosed with something, it came on so abruptly. And meantime, I am trying to be loving mommy and snuggle and read to my kid and she keeps asking, “Why do you look so sad, Mommy?”
That’s the million dollar question.
Nothing in my life has really changed. The usual stresses. No huge calamities. So why am I crashing into the abyss this way? If anything, as the season change nears, I should be bordering on manic.
Yet I am not, and it was the same last year. I kept waiting for the depression to lift and it was summer before it did. And I was sliding back down the rabbit hole by September. My psych clinic claims they specialize in seasonal affect disorder and yet it seems to be the one area where they have failed me the most.
And yesterday I decided to check out my current doc’s credentials. He graduated from a school in Mexico, translation of which is something to the extent of University of Chihuahua. Not to be judgmental but I can’t even say it with a straight face. My mother doctor graduated from Sarajevo.
Do Americans not go into psychiatry anymore? And no I am not racist, it’s a general observation since of all my doctors, only three were American.
And I think the answer is yes, lots of Americans go into psychiatry. They just don’t want stuck in this armpit of the midwest. That’s why we get telepsychiatry. They can’t even be bothered to drive one day a week to this miserable place.

So…Yeah. I was asleep by 7:30 last night, didn’t even eat supper. Instant my kid was down, I was too. But I kept tossing and turning and waking up. I could be a bloody grandfather clock chiming every hour the way I seem to wake up every hour. And that too is not normal, winter is usually my “sleep too much” period.
My instability has gone ever more unstable. The universe has a wicked (sucky) sense of humor.

Shower. I need to do that.
Why does it feel like such a chore?
Isn’t it enough I went out yesterday with bra and underwear and clothes I hadn’t slept in?
Of course, yesterday was a treat in itself. I was lambasted for not being good company, then asked, “How many things have you screwed up this week?” Oh and it was rubbed in my face how some stoner is now doing all the computer work that I was supposed to have trained for.
I should have skipped the tiger tattoo and gone with LOSER on my forehead. Because this is all being said by people allegedly like me.

I am submitting my disability paperwork today, after I run some print outs at the library. (I have two printers and can’t afford ink for either, cos apparently squeezing each squid is expensive for Canon and Lexmark) I am including journal entries from Feb of 13 to Feb of 15, as well as a list of all the doctors I have seen over the years and how as soon as I start to improve, the seasonal kicks in or the doctors leave.
I’m not sure how much weight it will carry but a willingness to see a doctor of their choosing should be a good indicator that I have nothing to hide except insanity. Or in this politically correct world “state of being sanity challenged.”
There is only so much I can, some things are beyond my control. Giving myself more ulcers isn’t going to change a thing. Let go and let god.
I won’t go down without a fight, though. I haven’t lost faith in myself but a steady doctor for stable care might actually help.

Ugh. Seems like so much work.
I got my kid dressed and out the door, isn’t that enough? And I think her shoes were even on the right feet, though I think she may have taken advantage of my morning lethargy and worn shirt with stains simply because she loves it so much.
I fed the cats.
I don’t wanna shower. What’s the point?
Um…It’s going on three days, I guess that’s the point.

It’s so bizarre because I am normally an obsessive compulsive about being clean myself. Once you go down that rabbit hole,who you are becomes a totally different being.


2 Responses to “When Life Gets Lost In The Details”

  1. Victoria A Says:

    damnit! Yes! exactly! I digress. We should start a business to employ individuals who think like us. Its a shame none of us with be in cordial attendance, nor will any of us smell fresh on Tuesdays ๐Ÿ™‚

    • LOL. Excellent. We will just put the bipolar ones in rotation during their manias so the bipolar twos can have mental health months.

      Forget flex time. We need jobs with flex moods.

      And I did get that shower eventually so nose plugs will not be needed. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      On Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 10:14 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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