More Jousting

My mood has continued sliding into the gutter as the day progresses. Which is right in keeping with my prozac dose no longer being split in two. Before, I could take 20 in the a.m. and 20 toward 4 pm and it would sort of ward off the abrupt crash.

My eardrums have the cringey thing going on, kinda like when you stick tinfoil in a filling. Every sound seems deafening.Very irritating, and it makes me irritated. The anxiety really knows how mess with your head. Kind of like a cat batting a mouse around then leaving it wounded rather than just killing it mercifully.
My kid has been an incessant chatterbox all day, and she has no concept of indoor voice so while my irritation mounts, my anxiety skyrockets.

The tipping point, where my pool noodle jousting proved to be an epic fail against the mental illness jousting pole was when my dad and his crew stopped in for a visit. My mood was already low, my anxiety already bubbling over, and I had to paste on the civilized face. They all talk at once, loudly, and my brother was playing with my kid which had her shrieking and bouncing off the walls with psychotic adhd.
I just sat here, trying to pretend it wasn’t making me want to stab myself with a dozen forks. I am super sensitive to loud noise (and yeah, that even includes music as much as I love it). I can’t keep track of conversations when everyone is talking over everyone else.
The kicker was when my father told me someone thought my sister (six years my junior) was my daughter because I look so tired, old, and worn out.
I am tired and worn out, though I dispute the old part.
You spend three quarters of your life fighting off depression while the other third is spent hovering between cycles, stability, and a revolving door of med changes that completely turn your life upside down..Not to mention the sleep disturbance…

Depression makes you look twice your age, I swear.
Though when I am not in the abyss and clean up, I can pull of looking younger than I am.
I can’t say I blame people for taking my haggish appearance as a sign of age.
It hit me earlier than I THINK the last time I showered was Wednesday.
This is always the pinnacle of the depressive cycles, when hygiene goes out the window and you can’t even work up the energy to fight back. I mean, you do fight back, but a floppy pool noodle is no good against the honed sharp edge of a jousting pole.
I’m down the rabbit hole, and as usual, I never saw it coming. I just kept going through the motions, on auto pilot, thinking, hey, I am up and functioning, I can handle this.
But going 4 days without a shower and not even remembering it or caring…Okay, I have crossed a line here.
I have got to find a way to drag myself in off the ledge.

Unfortunately, the mind is not cooperating.
I watched my brother playing with my kid and she was laughing and he was laughing and it hit me…I have to fake that whole thing. Because I don’t feel it. I want to and yet…There is no joy in it. Just more pressure, more failure, more self loathing. My kid’s being cheated as much as I am by my mental issues.
I need to do something.
If I thought talking to the doctor would help, I’d reach out. But short of having a razor blade to your wrists, it could be weeks before they could work you in. Triage and all that. Just not wanting to live isn’t really considered urgent.
In my book, lack of will to live is just as bad as a desire to hurt yourself.

I am so envious of others. I have managed through abandonment and single parenthood and my home being robbed and my transmission blowing up…
Yet I can’t beat the depressions.
I’d rather have mental stability than win the lottery.
So why can’t I beat it?

Jousting is not my favorite.


One Response to “More Jousting”

  1. None of us can beat it – perhaps the goal needs to change, so that we’re satisfied with minimising the damage. I reckon that only situational depression can be truly thrashed in a jousting (match? Challenge? Idk what they’re called).

    I hate that hearing thing soooo much. You must be really strong to be able to tough it out the way you do – without medical help and with responsibilities. I wish you could see a doctor.

    Hang in there …

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