Down the rabbit hole is not my favorite

My kid is forever turning down things by declaring “It’s not my favorite.”
Well…Abrupt mood crashes after a day of…managing…is not my favorite.
The anxiety has been like a crushing weight for days on end now. It’s not my favorite, either.
Now I can grasp stressful situations cause anxiety to rise.
But for me, even when there is nothing going on around me, my anxiety tends to ebb and flow and skyrocket.

Like this abrupt mood crash down the rabbit hole. I managed the whole day pretty well. If going through the motions and putting on a bra are considered doing well. But rather than cave into the anxiety and negative thoughts plaguing my mind…I dealt.
Then from out of nowhere…Down the black rabbit hole.
I have done everything to combat this crap. I have spent twenty years in therapy and gotten to the point where I have come to terms with my emotional baggage, bad habits, et al. I have learned new coping mechanisms, broken old patters.
These mood swings without triggers…Continue to boggle my mind.
There was no catastrophic event. Nothing. But I could feel that depressive tug so I thought, we’ll go out for a car ride, get into the sunshine, fresh air, get up and moving about. Ya know, all the propaganda says that cures mental issues.

Shocker. It did not help. I am sliding downward faster and faster, ready to assume the fetal position in bed because my mind is in a very dark space. Everything is stressing me out now. Every sound seems amplified. Incessant chatter makes me want to stab bbq skewers into my ears. As long as the mind was hobbling on crutches, I could manage the anxiety. But once the floor dropped out on my mood,suddenly my entire mind frame changes.
And while the propaganda demands there be an explanation, some trigger (some way for it to be your fault because you just have a weak personality and get bent over reality.)
In my case, there really is not one.
This was why my med dosage was divided into a.m and p.m dose, to soften this mid day mood crash.
Now the current doctor has it all going in one dose a day and I am sliding down, down, down. It’s time to make a call, I guess. Not that I have much faith in them. After the snafu with my meds, I called the office to explain and they said they’d get back to me. Three days later I had still heard nothing, so I called in a panic as I was out of Prozac…And they so nonchalantly said, “Oh, we took care of that two days ago, you should check with your pharmacy.”
UM…No one thought to clue me in? I suppose that would be insane, it’s not my like I’m a patient and this pertains to my well being…
Oh, wait…
I don’t think my current regime is really helping me. They are so afraid of setting off a manic episode they are conservative with dosages. They won’t even address the attention/lack of focus except to dismiss it as anxiety related. I want to have faith in the doctor, really. But when he spends five minutes with me on a tv screen, won’t address the most troubling things for me, changes my med routine without telling me, and then they fail to even return a all after three days…
Ya know, if a waitress or cashier gave such inept service, I’d be complaining to management or corporate.
Yet with doctors, you’re taught to defer to their education and experience. I’ve lost so much of my life doing just that.
Speaking up doesn’t seem to help much, either.
What’s the answer?

I am going to keep fighting.
As long as I can keep my nose above water, maybe I won’t drown.
And since I am spending so much time down the rabbit hole…It may be time to decorate, maybe some posters and a blacklight, a recliner…
Normally my own facetiousness makes me smile.
My smile is broken right now.

Sometimes I would really like to change my middle name to Frustration.
Seems the definition of my very existence.

I try so damned hard, take three steps forward, then six steps back, all the while everyone’s asking why I can’t just get my act together.
Kind of like asking why glass is falling off shelves and breaking during an earthquake. No stability, it all comes undone.

The rabbit hole is soo not my favorite.


2 Responses to “Down the rabbit hole is not my favorite”

  1. Victoria A Says:

    Honestly your blog gives me hope. Day in and day out I put a smile on my face when deep down I know that my smile really isn’t the same one that I know to be genuine. But on my best days no one says anything I mesh in, just like one of the crowd. However, on the days that I can’t seem to shine my inner light and my mind takes me on a trip no druggy would ever dream……that same fake smile that gets me by…cracks. The sadness from my core seeps out. Im discovered……and rather than face the music I do cower off to my bed….in the darkness. the emptiness ((when my partner attends work)) which she does regularly…..the only thing that makes me get back up other than that girl….is reading this blog. Your words transcend my emotions to the fluidity of words. Its like poetry and to my astonishment she doesn’t get the words you so eloquently flow out, but I do. I get every single statement. I hate knowing that I’m alone all day 24 hrs in my head, rupturing my own mental competence, then I read your blog Nikki and I know I’m not alone. Thank you. For doing everything that you do. You kid is going to truly be proud in having such an inspirational mother. You mean so much and I have no idea who you are. But if you are the words in this blog then you will always be my soul sister.

    • These words are like breathing fresh air into a dried out husk. Just when the mental monsters make me think I am absolutely pointless…I hear this from you and realize, I may not cure cancer or help millions or even smell good half the time…(ha ha) But my voice resonates with you and that’s more than enough for me. I found a poem I did that your words reminded me of, thought I’d send you the link.

      On Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 10:08 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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