Cyclothymic Crash and Burn

I have no idea why but my mental state has tanked out today. Maybe it’s the single digit temperature and lack of sun. (Odd how I loathe sun because it makes my head hurt and yet, it seems to improve my mental state.)
I had a quiet night without my kid for Valentine’s. I spent the day watching crime documentaries. Crashed at 8:30 p.m. Woke up four times even though she wasn’t here. I even leapt up once thinking I forgot to feed her supper…But she wasn’t here for me to feed, that was on Grandma.
I was up before the alarm.
So I could go get her from Mom’s for Sunday School.
My mother, of course, has made her snarky little comments about how they have no trouble with Spook therefore the problem is with me being too strict and making her not like me. She likes me fine until I say no.
So while mom is critiquing my parenting ability, I ask, “Has she had breakfast yet?”
And mom says, “I gave her a Hershey’s Kiss.”
Um….Yeah her criticism means shit. She was the yes mom, no boundaries, constant criticism, screaming fits followed by teary I love yous…
Pardon me for wanting to do better by saying no to my kid wearing summer clothes during winter and shoveling candy rather than actual food.
I can always count on my mother for an ego boost. Or self confidence assassination.
I’ve come to a point where I consider the source and blow it off but my kid was so vile to me yesterday while she was home with me…I let my eeevil momster get inside my head and feed my self doubt. I wanted to take my kid out for lunch yesterday (gift certificate) but she did nothing but scream, bawl, and basically drive me to submission to take her to Grandma’s.
I am chopped liver all because I want to do right and be a parent instead of a best buddy.
Bloody hell.
To add to my anxiety, the woman who picked Spook up for church (who is a lovely woman and means well) said I am welcome to come along any time and she understands how winter and anxiety affect people. And it was so kind of her and I just ended up feeling like a big loser because I really cannot do the crowd thing often. It just costs too much in aftermath.

So I am low. My horrorscope said I am going to do something to get myself into trouble because people don’t like my abrasive manner. I’d blow that off except, I am abrasive at times even if I prefer to view it as blunt honesty. Good thing I have no plans to leave the house today. Or tomorrow, for that matter. Unless I have to. This cold gloom makes me wanna become a hermit.
I was doing ok.
Now I feel like I need a ladder just to peek out of the mood gutter.
Good old cyclothymia without rhyme or reason.
Though I doubt the defiant child and overly critical mom exposure helped. My Teflon coating wore off long ago, so things tend to stick to me and not even soaking and scouring can get the lingering flecks off the surface.
Ride it out. It’s all I can do.
And maybe avoid reading horrorscopes.
But then again, my ringing phone or the mail coming make me paranoid and anxious and I can’t very well avoid them.
I reiterate…bloody hell.
Low mood, high anxiety, and frustration..


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