The Hypo manic brain

The hamster on the wheel in my head has had spoonfuls of meth and is spinning round and round like a madman.
To put it more simply…Racing thoughts that accompany a hypo manic mind.

I have so many thoughts bouncing about I can’t sort them out. It paralyzes me. I can’t decide which thought I should bring to fruition. Do dishes? Fold laundry? Go clear the snow off the car? Do I write?Play Word Poker? Why are single people viewed as pathetic on Valentine’s Day? Would it be weird if I went and saw Fifty Shades of Grey by myself?

Round and round it goes. I can’t capture a thought long enough to carry through and some of them are just so much flotsam and jetsam anyway. I like being single, I don’t give a fuck about Valentine’s Day, and I can’t afford to go see a movie.
As for housework…Meh. I am going to attempt to do the dishes while watching this Jack the Ripper documentary. Charming material on a day committed to love. (Insert puking sound here).
Bloody hell, I hate when my brain goes manic but it’s not even a productive mania.
It’s like a ball bouncing off walls. Pointless. No sooner than the ball stops…It’s bouncing again.

But hey, at least I survived last night’s social outing. I went in like a deer frozen in headlights because it’s usually just R and his wife and me and then the two little kids. But instead of their usual parents night out, R’s daughter and her husband stuck around. I am ill at ease around them. I know it’s mostly me because aside from their trailer trash comments not aimed at me (guilt by association)…I get along fine with them.
Wine helped.
Then they got out Uno attack. Which I’d never played before so I didn’t recognize half the cards and they acted like I was drunk and stupid. I was honestly at a loss. I don’t do change, I don’t like being thrust into an activity unfamiliar to me with witnesses to my own ineptitude.

But suffice it to say…It was eventually fun once the anxiety died down and I was relaxing. I think I may have pissed R off by teasing him about this chick we’ve both known for years coming by the shop and tidying up and offering to run his errands…Mrs. R does not like the woman or want her around at all. It wasn’t my goal to start shit, even if I am a troll. I just found it weird that this woman is at the shop washing out his coffee cup and tidying the desk (MY kingdom, damn it.)Oh, well. I am wound tighter than an old time alarm clock but when I relax…I can be obnoxiously funny. After the last couple of weeks…I was due.

Now back to the evil hamster brain. It’s definitely a type of manic episode because not even a Xanax has slowed it down. Normal racing thoughts it will. Manic episode type stuff, it does fuck all.
I’d like to bitch about being on 250 mg Lamictal daily to stabilize my mood yet still being all over the map…
But then I remember just how bad the extremes used to be and I can learn to appreciate the rapid but brief cycles of cyclothymia. Okay, not appreciate, but accept as the lesser evil.

My kid is spending the night at her grandmother’s tonight so I will truly be alone on Valentine’s Day. Before anyone makes that sad “poor woman” look…
I think I am going to watch Vampires Suck, maybe do some reading or writing, make some tinfoil hats to wear. Hell, I might even get out the broom and attack those cobwebs up in the corners.
Alone is my bliss because I have so much trouble with how fast life moves and how hard it is to interact with others.
While I will have empty nest tonight…
There’s a good chance I may actually be able to sleep through the night without.
Funny how parenthood makes you giddy for what are otherwise normal things. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Though I didn’t see this coming. I got more sleep when she was an infant. She’s doing it wrong, waking up every three hours every night.

So yeah…Vampires Suck.
My bloody Valentine. 😉


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