Panxiety Strikes Back

Oh, yes. The paranoia and anxiety are out in full force this morning.Which is weird because when I got up, I was okay. In spite of sleeping in my kid’s bed because she was having nightmares and the bedhog made sure I slept on half an inch of mattress and mostly wooden bedframe. Forget water boarding, you want to torture someone, let ’em sleep with Spook. She just kept waking up so often, I thought it’d be easier to stay by her side to comfort her. Not so sure easier was worth splinters in my back and side. (Okay, slight exaggeration but it really was uncomfortable, made the protruding springs on my mattress seem comfy.)

Anyway…Shark week arrived. Damn it. It does however explain why I was miffed over every tiny thing last week. Perhaps I overshare, but the hormonal imbalances do play a role in making the bipolar issues worse so it’s relevant. It explains why I’ll go off on some tangent on Monday and yet forget why I even had a problem with it by Friday. It’s not so much being mercurial as it is just having all this imbalance going on within.

So I am uncomfortable, I did not sleep well, and the panxiety is kicking my ass. I just have this uneasy feeling, call it bad vibes, bad juju. I can’t explain it. After the snafu with my meds, I just keep thinking, oh what will I screw up next…Or what catastrophic thing can life throw at me next.
I am told it’s negativity.
The trepidation and anxiety are very real to me, so I don’t agree it’s mere attitude. You can spew sunshine and rainbows all you want, it doesn’t change a thing. You feel how you feel. Fighting it can prove beneficial or detrimental. I get to a point where if fighting it has just left me feeling like a failure beating my head against a wall…I’m done, I will embrace my misery and ride it out.

Geesh. One of the cats just jumped down with a thud and I jumped. Every tiny sound is setting me off in spite of the Xanax. I must admit, this has been a bizarre time for me, the anxiety going so off the charts that the Xanax barely makes a dent. Been a few years since it was this bad.
I just remind myself, I can do this, I have done it many times before. I’ve done it without Xanax, and insane with pregnancy hormones. I CAN do this.
Doesn’t make it any easier.

Riding the storm out. Much as I don’t like REO Speedwagon, that song seems to be fitting at the moment.

And because my TNOS (topic not otherwise specified) post seemed to get a positive response…I give you this link.
That is my random blog where I just spout off about anything and everything. It’s disjointed, it lacks segues, it’s…beautifully crazily random. Very me. And I don’t discuss my mental illness like it’s the center of the universe.


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