The wheels on my brain go round and round

Yesterday was fairly uneventful. Neither high nor low. My daughter demanded a playdate with her grandmother so she spent almost six hours over there. I thought about doing housework but then found this cool show from called “Sequestered” and binge watched. Clean laundry needing to be folded barely rates in my top ten cos the clothes are clean, folding them isn’t pressing.
Normally, I enjoy my alone time. Yesterday it was interrupted when dad and stepmonster announced they were bringing a truck load of used toys for Spook which meant I had to rearrange her room to make space. OMG, the little demon spawn had stuff stuck in every space imaginable as if trash cans don’t exist. I was stunned. I gave her a little trash can so she wouldn’t do that shit anymore and still…Children are either little sponges that absorb all or brick walls where everything bounces off like an echo. Mine is a sponge for foul language and a wall for every other lesson.
I think the biggest irksome thing was, I had planned (ha ha) on rearranging the living room to do some stuff for my own interests and once again, my plan is foiled by others and their plans. Maybe binge watching tv shows is my only control since every other aspect of my life seems held hostage by others. It’s not ingratitude, my kid is very lucky to get two hundred dollars worth of brand name toys that cost me nothing. It made her happy (How she loved the little kitchenette with its plastic food, the concoctions she feeds me are horrific yet hysterical.)
I just resent people thinking I don’t have a life or things I need or want to do. And of course, I feel unreasonable for feeling that way most of the time because I have been so invalidate at every turn the only true emotion I feel completely entitled to is my anger. And it’s been proven time again that people forgive anger. If you cry in front of them, they become uneasy and begin backing away.
Sad fucking statement about the human race when anger is less shameful than an honest display of tearful emotion.

And that was when it hit me yesterday, another epiphany. The world has such distorted views. I am deemed “unstable” and “volatile” when in fact, aside from snarkasm and verbal sparring…I shy from confrontation, let alone physical altercation.
Yet those around me…I have witnessed their “I am gonna beat their ass” mentality and subsequent throwing of punches and such.
So who’s really unstable and volatile?
It is, as predicted by Daria in te 90’s, a sick sad world.

And onto the real reason I felt so compelled to blog about the inane first thing in the morning…
I woke at 6:30 a.m from a nightmare. Now, the logic contained within is not based on any true realism.But it was enough to send me into a panic attack.
I dreamt that I went to pick Spook up from school. And the teacher kept stalling, going to the office, and wouldn’t tell me why I wasn’t being allowed to take my child. So I finally confronted her and she informed me there had been a visit by The Donor informing her the paperwork was in works for he wants to remarry and take Spook away from me so he needs to talk to everyone about my fitness as a parent.
The part about him wanting to remarry thus needing a divorce fast, well, that’s factoid.
But after three years of me retaining the same address and numbers and him making zero effort to inquire about her wellfare…It’s kind of far fetched he would give a damn.
Unless that was the end game. Threaten to take her from me unless I cave to his demands in spite of a lawyer being the one who told me not to sign his DIY divorce paperwork.

Yes, it’s just a nightmare.
One that plays on my biggest fear.
I could feel the terror, the violation, the indignation. Dreams can be so real and even when you think you’ve woken, you realize you’re still in the dream.
Is my subconscious trying to tell me something:? Some sixth sense that he’s going to make some idiot move?
Yes, likely i am being a paranoid moron.
But paranoia is for those who haven’t had something happen before, repeatedly, therefore are basing their paranoid feelings on “it did happen.”
That’s called realistic expectation. And face it, parents who abandon their kids yet put on a big display of “I’ve reformed and I can provide a better life (now that I’ve had umpteen years to rebuild while the other parent took up all the slack) regain custody all the time. It’s despicable.
Not that people are beyond redemption and change.
But if you abandoned a child once because things were too tough.You’d do it again.

Where as things have been tough for me but I’ve not once shirked my responsibility.

If only being a good person and doing the right thing meant fuck all in this wading pool of corruption and hypocrisy called life.

Sometimes my posts remind me of an old Faster Pussycat song.
“No, she won’t shut up, she’s just babbling on and on…”

C’est la vie.
My purge is complete.
Now time to binge on some more reality.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: