Back In The Shallow Again

Yeah, it just hit me today when I ventured back into the dish again per R’s request for “a visit”…and I was out 15 minutes before my precarious mental state slipped closer to the precipice.
The Aerosmith song “Back In The Saddle” screeched into my head with the word “shallow” instead of saddle.
Because I am in the fucking shallow end, the kiddie pool, of life, surrounded by people that vapid and lacking in emotional intelligence.
Now, I do know myself and my moodiness. This went beyond that.
I got to the shop and R’s friend S was there. Ok, she’s nice, she visits before she goes to work sometimes. No biggie.
But then her and R got into a conversation on “whiny” people who claim they are depressed and see a doctor when they have nothing to be depressed about.

That is the most ignorant, offensive mindset I’ve come across in my lifetime behind racism and homophobia.
And oh, yes, I opened my mouth.
And it just lead to a debate of, “Oh, this is my dad, you don’t know him, he’s in decent health for his age, he still has money, he has no reason to be depressed.”
OMG, the ignorance alone made my brain nearly implode.
I’m not an expert and even if her dad is the biggest malingerer on the planet…HER mentality is exactly what is wrong with a large part of society.
Depression doesn’t give a fuck if you are healthy, rich, have everything to live for. (Robin Williams ring any bells?)
It’s an illness. And when moronic people, even if well meaning, treat it so trivially…I get bent.
I walked away.

I knew I wasn’t ready to be back in the dish again, but after opting out for three days, I felt obligated to make an effort.
God, it was a mistake.
Because no sooner than I stopped gnashing teeth over the depression debacle…
R called a customer who said they couldn’t pick up their (electronic gadget of some sort) until they got paid on the 3rd.
So he went on a tirade about people on disability being useless bags of shit who expect everyone else to support their good times.

O
M
G

So I casually said, “Ya know, I’m on disability and when you say shit like that, I get offended.”
Rather than even think he might be, ya know, behaving like a dickhead, he said, “What, you think the rest of us should support you?”

At which point my mood became rather contentious. And he made note of it. Then when I didn’t laugh at some youtube thing he found funny, he told me I was being snarky.

I am no genius. Hell, I’m not even that great of a person.
But I am nowhere near the level of vapid asshole that I am surrounded by here at every turn.

On the plus side, I’m pretty sure I made my point when I told him, “You think you need someone here to keep you company every single day, be a big boy for once.”
Yeah, well, don’t start shit, won’t be any shit.
Polite is off the table in light of the unbridled rudeness and judgment those around me can fling about and still consider themselves such great human beings.

These great people who are already telling me I am a moron for taking back in a friend who hurt my badly. Well, I look back and think of all the people I hurt with my bad choices..I was not beyond redemption and neither is my friend. It’s the last chance, because I don’t have the strength for another knife in the heart and back.
But she was there for me several times over the years when no one else was and I am simply returning the favor. It’s what you do when you’re really a decent person and a good friend.
So while all these so called good people around me are so quick to judge me “you’re just gonna get fucked over again, don’t cry to us”…
Truth be told, I still trust her over them because she damn well knows she hurt me and she learned her lesson in a way that hurt her. Those around me think they are above causing psychological pain. Awareness of flaw and willingness to own it…That counts for a lot with me.

It just hit me like an epiphany today.
The world is a giant pool.
Most people spend their entire lives wading in the shallow kiddie end, having a grand old time, cooling off.
I’ve always liked the deep end, having to bob down to touch bottom and claw my way back up, enjoying the exhilaration of the dive in, the gasp of air when you burst through the surface.
No one would judge you for where you prefer to swim in a pool.
But because emotionally, I am the deeper end, I feel judged for not being shallow enough.

And the fact that the world at large is so shallow…
Makes my soul cry a few tears.

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2 Responses to “Back In The Shallow Again”

  1. I loved this post. Particularly the last three lines. So powerful !

  2. The Professionally Depressed Professional Says:

    Wow. Great post. I can completely relate to being in the deep end.

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