My mood is low. My anxiety is bubbling. I’m not sure if it’s a spoke in the mood cycle or just the continuing aftermath of last week’s “I’m a normal functioning person who can totally keep this pace.”
I can’t keep that pace. I am still paying the price.

I have trouble getting to sleep at night. Toss, turn, torture myself with spinning thoughts. I have Trazadone. I won’t take it. Even a tiny dose makes me useless should my kid wake up, the house catch on fire, or even waking to an alarm. I can’t handle the stuff. So nightly I either make the choice to have a drink or tough it out. I am trying to tough it out. It sucks. If one 7% alcohol drink can help ease me to sleep without nasty side effects…Why can’t the pharma companies come up with a sleepy pill to do it? Is it somehow advantageous to have a society of sleeping pill hungover zombies combined with sleep deprived stress messes?

I can’t focus. I can’t get motivated. I got my kid up and off to school. That’s the extent of today’s accomplishments. I am trying to watch my favorite shows. I can’t get interested, my mind is spinning out of control. I tried to write. Because my writing is what keeps me sane and yet…For weeks now it’s been like pulling teeth out of a struggling gator. Only the gator has dull chiclet teeth so instead of drawing blood, it just chafes my skin. I’d rather bleed and be in pain for my art than simply feel chapped and raw.
I sound nuts, don’t I? It’s a writer thing.
I need back in my pocket, that secure writing pocket where not even my own miserable mental state can intrude. I can’t get there. Maybe because I can’t seem to drop out of reality long enough. I am always with cats climbing me and a child browbeating me and friends making requests, reasonable and unreasonable. Ringing phones.
Creativity is an odd thing, it comes and goes. Writer’s block is like spending time in a body cast, full conscious yet unable to do a fucking productive thing.
But last year at this time…I was in a very dark place and still…my writing flowed like a faucet with a broken handle.
This year the mind space isn’t so dark but I am being torn in so many different directions, I can’t get all my jigsaw puzzle pieces together in a way that makes a picture.
I’m ill at ease in my own skin. It’s like wearing shoes that are too tight and every step hurts and you want to take off the shoes but…they’re super glued to your feet. No escape.

So day after day I sit and look at this thousand piece jigsaw puzzle that comprises my life…And I know what the picture should be but the pieces don’t seem to fit. And even if they do fit, my chaotic mind can’t focus enough to even find the corner pieces and work from there.
The shrink says it’s all anxiety.
Once upon a time, I’d have bought that.
But after that near death reaction I had to an MAOI back in 2000 that left my brain basically an omelet…
This is something more. This is literally mental chaos. It affects every aspect of my life. And it is a daily form of torture and the professionals won’t even hear me out, let alone help me. So does it matter if the other meds are helping if I still have an issue this big mucking up my day to day life?

I tried ginko biloba.
Memory may have been better, but focus…
The only thing over the last 15 years that made a dent was Focalin.
But because I don’t fit some textbook ADHD diagnoses and am not a teenager…The doctor won’t even entertain a notion other than “anxiety”.

I am beyond frustrated.
I am sick of sorting through jigsaw puzzle pieces. I’m not even sure the pieces are all for the same puzzle.
It’s enough to make me miss the agony of last week’s bruised rib. Which still smarts but is much better.
Physical pain people can allow leeway for.
But if you have scrambled eggs for brains…
You’re on your own and people are merciless in judging you for being so “flaky”.

My posts are proof enough of how disorganized my brain is. It’s not a deliberate attempt to be random and incoherent.
This is what I live with day to day.

And it sucks.
And sometimes…I feel like I am the only one who has this problem because no one will talk about it.
Perhaps the worst part is…I have the medical documentation to prove that reaction to the MAOI really did do brain damage…And my file is so thick doctors can’t be bothered to read more than the highlights of the last couple of years.
I’m screwed.
To think it would take one tiny dose of Focalin to make it all better…and I am talking to walls.

Ever seen the movie Misery, read the book? After the crazy fan hobbles him?
That’s how my life feels at times. Like I have been hobbled yet it’s invisible and I am still being held to the same standards as an able bodied (or minded, as this case is) person.
One of the great mysteries of the world is how I haven’t gone batshit and ended up on Deadly Women.
How much can one person take before their mind implodes?


One Response to “Jigsaw”

  1. I struggle with attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity and have other issues too, mainly anxiety issues. I take adderal (I’m sure I spelled that wrong) and xanax for those issues. I would maybe see another doctor because it can be a huge help for me to function and stay on track. I take a low dose, 20mg daily, just to not add to or make worse my anxiety issues. I know everyone is different but you can treat both and have a healthy respect for both issues. It sounds like you have attention deficit disorder just from the past posts I have read of yours…. Not that I am a doctor but they are issues I struggle with and your days and thinking, etc. sounds like attention deficit to me;)

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